


Two Lost Dreamers

by Ice_Queen784



Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: Affairs, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Romance, Self-Harm, Sexual Assault, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-09-21 10:06:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 32
Words: 55,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17041718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ice_Queen784/pseuds/Ice_Queen784
Summary: P.T. Barnum and Jenny Lind are lost, troubled souls who met by chance. P.T. understands Jenny in a way no one has before, and she understands things his wife never could. They both dreamed their way to where they are now, but it's still not enough for them. And when they go on a tour across America, they grow far closer than either of them intended.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic for The Greatest Showman. Not sure why I suddenly got the idea to write this, but I did and here we are.

Phineas was in awe. He was at Buckingham Palace with Queen Victoria, mingling among Europe’s richest and most famous. But everyone else in the room faded when he caught a glimpse of the beautiful scarlet-haired woman walked through the door.

 

“Miss Jenny Lind,” she was announced as she walked up to meet the Queen.

 

“Who’s that?” He asked Phillip.

 

“She’s a Swedish opera singer. She’s the most famous singer in Europe. Sold out the Scala a dozen times, not to mention the French Opera.”

 

“Can you introduce me to her?” Phineas requested.

 

“I don’t know her.”

 

“Everybody knows her, you just said so yourself.”

 

“But I don’t know her personally.”

 

After a bit of argument, Phillip agreed and led him over to Jenny.

 

“Miss Lind,” he caught her attention. “My name is Phillip Carlyle and this extraordinary gentleman next to me is-,”

 

“Phineas Taylor Barnum, the pleasure is mine.” He interrupted, kissing her hand.

 

“Of course, you’re the American.” Jenny replied. “I believe I might have heard of you.”

 

“Well, if I’m heard of all the way over here, I must be doing something right.” Phineas remarked.

 

“That, or something very wrong.” She quipped.

 

“In the world of publicity there is hardly a difference.”

 

“I believe those are the words of a scoundrel, Mr. Barnum.”

 

“A showman, Miss Lind, just a showman.” He smiled. “The best on my side of the Atlantic.”

 

“If you do say so yourself.”

 

“I do, but I don’t have to.” He nudged Phillip, who had simply been observing the conversation with an amused smile.

 

“Oh, no, no, he is one of the best-,”

 

“That’s very kind of you.” Phineas cut him off. “Miss Lind, let me get to the point. I’d like to take you to New York. And if you agree, I could make you the most famous singer not in Europe, but in the entire world.”

 

“And have you heard me sing?” She asked.

 

“No,” “Absolutely,” Phineas and Phillip answered at the same time.

 

“No, I haven’t.” Phineas explained. “But like mine, your reputation precedes you, and I trust your reputation more than my own taste.”

 

“I’ve never been to America.”

 

“You’ll sing in the grandest theater with the finest orchestra in the greatest city on Earth. Jenny Lind, one night only, maybe two.” She gave a small laugh. She hadn’t agreed yet, but he hoped he was convincing her. “And at twenty percent at the gate, it’ll be a queen’s ransom for your reference.”

 

“I give most of my earnings to charity, Mr. Barnum. To the orphans and widows.”

 

“Voice of a nightingale, heart of an angel.” Phillip remarked.

 

“That’s brilliant. I mean, the press will be crazy for that story.”

 

“That’s not a story.” She replied. “May I ask you something, Mr. Barnum?”

 

“Anything.”

 

“Why me?”

 

“People come to my show for the pleasure of being hoodwinked. Just once, I’d love to give them something real.”

 

*****

 

Jenny stepped off the ship in New York City. She was both nervous and excited. This experience would be both terrifying and exhilarating. Everyone back in Europe had told her this was ridiculous. That it was crazy to follow a man she hardly knew halfway across the globe. She had everything she needed back home and there was no way this circus master could make her the most famous singer in the world, as he had promised. But something in his eyes and his voice had convinced her to go along with it, even if it was crazy. Besides, she was terribly unhappy in Europe. Perhaps this would be an opportunity for her to find happiness, and to really find her place in the world. Because, in that moment, she wasn’t sure she really had one.

 

Phineas met her on the docks. Her performance wasn’t until tomorrow, but he was going to show her to the hotel and make sure she got settled in alright. He helped her into the carriage and set down next to her.

 

“How was the journey over here?” He asked.

 

“Long and boring, but I made it in one piece.”

 

“Well, that's a relief.” He smiled. “Are you ready for tomorrow night?”

 

“I don’t know.” She replied. “This is a crazy, new adventure for me.”

 

“That makes two of us.” He took her hand and gave her a comforting smile.

 

Jenny didn’t know why, but she felt so at ease around Phineas. Just his presence was enough to calm her anxiety. He made her feel like maybe she did belong somewhere. He gave her hope, and that was something she hadn’t had in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jenny Lind is actually the best character in The Greatest Showman and I will not tolerate any hate against her. Everything she did in the movie was completely justified and Barnum had it coming. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.


	2. Chapter 2

Phineas walked nervously towards the theater. Charity and his daughters were with them, excited to see Jenny Lind sing. He didn’t quite share their excitement. He was nervous.

“God, I hope she can sing.” He remarked to Charity. She just laughed in response.

Charity and the girls took their seats in the audience, while he headed backstage to meet Jenny. He knocked on the door to her dressing room.

“Come in.” She called.

She was checking her makeup in the mirror.

“How are you doing?” He asked her.

“I’m a little nervous.” She admitted, turning around to face him.

He gasped a little when he saw her. He had known what her dress would look like, but he hadn’t known she would look that beautiful in it.

“You’ll do great,” He reassured her.

“How can you possibly know that?” She questioned. “You’ve never even heard me sing.”

“You wouldn’t be the most famous singer in Europe if you couldn’t sing.” He reminded her. She gave a little smile, but didn’t really look reassured. She looked back in the mirror, and her smile faded completely.

“Do I look alright?” She asked him.

“Alright? You look gorgeous.” He was a little surprised to hear her ask a question like that.

“You’re just saying that.” She wouldn’t turn to look at him. She just kept staring sadly in the mirror.

“Look at me,” he gently turned her head so she was looking at him. “You’re absolutely stunning. You’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen.”

“You can’t be serious.” She looked skeptical.

“I am serious. You’re beautiful and I’m sorry you don’t see that.” He told her softly.

In that moment, Phineas sensed that there was something strange about Jenny. She gave no response and her expression was hard to read. But he could tell there was something wrong. He wanted to know what it was, but he didn’t have time to ask, and even if he did, he didn’t feel comfortable asking. He didn’t know her very well yet.

He didn’t say anything else to her. He just pulled her into a hug. She wrapped her arms around him tightly. He could feel her nervous breaths against him, and hoped he could calm her. He rubbed her back comfortingly. Her breathing gradually calmed down a little, but still didn’t sound normal.

Phineas wanted to stay there and hold her for as long as it took to calm her down completely, but he knew they didn’t have time for that. She had to go on soon.

“Come on.” He pulled away from her, but kept his hand on her shoulder. “It’s almost time for the show.”

She nodded and followed him out the door. As they stood in the wings, he could hear the crowd chattering. It was a packed house.

“It’s time.” One of the staff told him.

He nodded.

“You’ll do great.” He told Jenny. She gave him a nervous smile. He turned around and took a deep breath. It was time. He stepped out on stage to introduce her.

“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your patience.” Phineas began. The audience quieted. “I recently had the privilege of hearing the most divine voice I’ve ever heard. Now I know that sounds like Barnum Humbug, but I have a hundred bottles of good champagne on ice that says this isn’t just another sight show. May I present the Swedish Nightingale, Miss Jenny Lind.”

Jenny took her place on stage and Phineas stood in the wings to watch her. He sent up a silent prayer that she was as good as he’d heard she was.

The moment she opened her mouth to sing she took his breath away. Her voice was absolute perfection. Watching her sing, he knew he had truly found someone incredible.

The audience erupted in applause as soon as she was done and she received a well-deserved standing ovation.

After the concert, Phineas hosted a reception for Jenny. She changed into a bright yellow dress, and he noticed she looked just as stunning as she had in her ball gown. But he didn’t tell her so. It would’ve been awkward now. Charity was with him.

He decided he might as well introduce Jenny to Charity and the girls. He had told her plenty about them, but this was the first time she had the chance to meet them.

“Jenny, this is my wife Charity, and these are my girls.”

“Of course, I’ve heard so much about you.” She shook Charity’s hand, then knelt down to talk to Caroline and Helen. “Your father tells me you’re a fan of the ballet.” She said to Caroline.

“Yes, I’m studying ballet.” Caroline replied proudly.

“Are you?”

“”Of course I am.”

“And what about you Helen?” She turned towards the younger daughter.

“You look like a princess, Madam.” Helen told her, looking starstruck. Jenny giggled. 

Phineas loved seeing her interact with the girls like this. He was thrilled to see they liked her as much as he did.

Jenny talked to the girls for a bit, until Charity’s parents walked up to them. He knew this would be awkward, but he welcomed the opportunity to show them how wrong they had been about him.

“Jenny, I’d like you to meet Charity’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Hallett.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” She shook their hands, blissfully unaware of he and Charity’s strained relationship with them.

“Mother,” Charity greeted Mrs. Hallett icily. She ignored her father entirely.

“Hello dear,”

“Are these?” Mr. Hallett started.

“Yes, those are your granddaughters.” Phineas interrupted.

“Phineas, not here,” Charity interjected before things could get out of hand.

Her parents just left them all standing there awkwardly.

“Sorry about that.” Phineas told Jenny.

“It’s alright.” She muttered, forcing a smile. “Let’s not let that little incident ruin the whole night.”

*****

Jenny always felt out of place at events like these, even when they were held in her honor. But having Phineas there helped. She had a feeling he felt the same way.

Her performance had gone incredibly. The audience had been just as enthralled with her as audiences in Europe had been. Maybe Phineas wasn’t lying when he said he could make her the most famous singer in the world. She had turned to look at him during the performance, and she knew he wasn’t disappointed. She had picked a particularly meaningful line of the song to look at him and she wondered if he had noticed. He had set off a dream in her. A dream of a world where she really belonged. A world where she felt like she was worth something.

After the incident with Charity’s parents, things got awkward and Jenny had perhaps drank one glass of champagne too many. She suddenly felt the need to propose a toast to Phineas.

“Well, Phineas, I believe I told you that free champagne is a recipe for disaster.” She began once she had everyone’s attention. “Now, would everyone raise their glasses to Mr. Barnum, who has shown once and for all that a man’s station is limited only by his imagination.”

“Thank you.” He replied, walking over to her. “It’s hard to understand wealth and privilege when you’re born into it.” He remarked.

“Yes.” She agreed. “I sometimes feel like I don’t belong here.”

“You?”

”I was born out of wedlock and that put shame on my family. Life always manages to remind me that I don’t deserve a place in this world and that leaves a hole that no ovation can ever fill.” He gave her a sympathetic look and put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Jenny almost elaborated, but thought better of it. She wasn’t sure why she had even told him that much. She hardly knew him. Perhaps it was the champagne clouding her judgment. Or perhaps it was because, for some reason, she trusted him. Perhaps it was a mix of both.

“Well, come on.” Phineas gave her a smile. “Let’s enjoy the rest of tonight.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you’re enjoying it so far. I’ll write more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, Jenny heard a knock on the door of her hotel room. It was early and she had just gotten up. She was only partially dressed, so she threw on her robe before answering the door.

“Phineas,” She was surprised to see him. He wasn’t supposed to meet her again until her second concert tonight. She led him inside. “What are you doing here?”

“I had an idea and I needed to discuss it with you before I started making concrete plans.” He explained.

“Why do you need to discuss it with me?” She asked, confused. She sat down on the couch and he sat next to her.

“Because it would most definitely need your consent to go forward.” She raised an eyebrow. “Now, I know this is going to sound crazy, but hear me out.”

“All of your ideas are crazy, but I’m listening.” 

“Last night was a huge success. The crowds loved you. The show tonight is sold out too, and I would say it’s a pretty safe bet tonight’s crowd will love you just as much. I know the plan was for you to do two concerts here then go back to Europe, but what if this was just the beginning of your adventure in America?”

“What exactly are you proposing?”

“I want to take you on a tour all across the country. I want to make you a household name all over America. I want everyone in the country to hear how amazing your voice is and to see how incredibly beautiful you are.”

She blushed at his compliments, but tried to ignore the flattery. She had serious questions about this.

“And how long would this tour be?”

“I’m not sure yet. Maybe six months?”

“That’s a long time to be in a foreign country you know little about and know no one in.” She remarked.

“Maybe. But it’ll be an adventure. You’ll get to explore a whole new place. And you won’t be alone.” He took her hand. “You’ll have me.”

“This would be a huge risk for me. For my career.”

“It would. But if last night was any indication it’s a risk that will pay off.” He convinced her. He leaned closer. “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, Jenny. Don’t pass this up.”

She was silent for a moment, but finally, she took a deep breath and spoke.

“Alright. I’ll do it.” She agreed with a smile.

“Thank you Jenny.” He placed his hands on her shoulders and leaned even closer to her. Their noses were almost touching now. “You won’t regret this.”

Caught up in the excitement of the moment, Jenny almost kissed him. But she pulled away at the last second. She wanted to kiss him, but she thought better of it. He was married and had two daughters. And she had only just met him, anyway.

“You’d better get going.” She told him quietly. “I’m sure you have a lot of work to do.”

“I certainly do now,” he replied with a smile. “I’ve got a tour to plan.”

As he got up to leave, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She sighed. She had been foolish to even think about kissing him. He had a beautiful wife at home. She was just an ugly little wretch that no one was interested in unless they wanted her to sing. But then she remembered what he’d said the night before. Had he meant it?

”Phineas,” she called after him. He turned around. She looked back in the mirror, too shy to look him in the eyes. “Last night you said I was one of the most beautiful women you’d ever seen. Looking at me now, in a robe, with my hair down, without any makeup, do you still think that?”

“Yes, Jenny.” He gave her a soft smile. “I do.”

*****

The second show went off without a hitch and the audience had received Jenny just as well as the night before. But Phineas hadn’t been worried about that. He was more worried about facing Charity and telling her he was leaving for six months to go on tour with Jenny.

“How did the concert go?” Charity asked him as he walked into the bedroom. She was already in bed, but she had been waiting up for him.

“Fantastic.” He sighed. “Charity, I need to talk to you about something.”

“What is it, Phin?”

“I’m going on tour with Jenny Lind.” He explained, nervously.

“First, it was buying the house on the same street as my parents, then meeting the Queen, then bringing Jenny Lind, and my father last night... When will that ever be enough for you?” Charity questioned.

He had known she wouldn’t be happy about this. And he had known it would take some convincing for her to think this was a good idea.

“I‘m doing this for Caroline and Helen.” He told her.

“Look around you, they have everything.” She argued.

“You don’t understand.”

“I do understand,”

“No, you don’t understand!” He raised his voice a little. “How could you?”

This wasn’t about material things. This was about making Barnum a respected name. He wanted his daughters to have a name, and a father, that they could be proud of. That wouldn’t be looked down upon in high society. Charity was born in this world, and she would never truly understand what it was like to be an outsider in it.

“I was treated like dirt. My father was treated like dirt.” He told her. “My children won’t be.”

Charity looked sad.

“You don’t need everyone to love you, Phin,” She told him. “Just a few good people.”

“I know that.” This wasn’t about love. It was about respect. But he was tired of arguing.

He crawled into bed next to her and took her in his arms.

“I love you, Chairy.” He kissed her. “You know that, don’t you?”

“I do.” She replied, kissing him back. “And I love you too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m excited about this cuz it’s new, but don’t expect me to always update this fast. But I will have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	4. Chapter 4

The next few weeks went fast. They were filled with meetings and finalizing plans and details for the tour. Phineas was exhausted, but excited. This was an opportunity to finally make Barnum a respected name. And an opportunity to make a wonderful young woman the most famous singer in the world.

The carriage pulled up to Phineas’s house. Jenny was already inside, as the carriage had picked her up from her hotel first. He found it hard to believe they were already leaving- everything had gone so fast- but the first concert was only a few days away.

He turned to Charity and the girls. He would miss them, but he had convinced himself that they were the reason he was doing this. He knelt down to hug Caroline and Helen.

“I love you,” he told them. “I’ll be gone for a while, but the time will fly. I’ll be back before you know it.”

He stood up and kissed Charity.

“Be careful, Phin.” He could hear the worry in Charity’s voice.

“I will.” He hugged her. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He pulled away, looking at them one last time before he left.

“Now, you three take care of each other.”

Charity nodded. Guilt rose up in Phineas as he walked away, but he pushed it aside and got in the carriage.

“Are you excited for the tour?” He asked Jenny.

“I can’t tell if I’m excited or nervous.” She gave a shy smile as she took his hand. “But it makes me feel better to know you’ll be with me.”

As the carriage pulled away, he heard Caroline and Helen calling after him. He turned around to see them running after the carriage. Guilt rose up in him again. Jenny turned around too. She squeezed his hand.

“I know this must be hard for you. But they’ll be alright.” She comforted him. “Charity seems like a wonderful mother.”

“She is.”

Neither of them said anything else for awhile. Phineas just let himself be comforted by Jenny’s presence.

*****

Jenny took Phineas’s hand as he led her through the crowded train station. They were heading off for the first stop on the tour. Boston, Massachusetts.

They boarded the train car. Jenny sat down next to him.

“Have you ever been to Boston before?” She asked him.

“No. But it’s a very important city in American history.”

“So I hear.” She smirked. “And are we going to dump tea into the harbor? I’ve heard that’s a favorite pastime of the locals.”

“No, I don’t think we worked that into the itinerary.” He winked at her. She blushed, then got embarrassed by her reaction, causing her to blush more. “You alright there?” He teased.

“Of course.” She could feel herself developing a crush on him, but she tried to push it down. Phineas was a married man. And Jenny was a lot of things, but she did not intend on being a homewrecker. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll take a nap.”

“That’s fine. I could probably use one myself.”

She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. Phineas put an arm around her and she automatically leaned against his chest. This wasn’t helping the crush. She tried to ignore the feelings budding inside of her, but he made it impossible.

She pressed herself against him, curling her legs up on the seat. He planted a kiss in her hair.

“Sleep tight, Jenny.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eventually I will stop updating so fast. Chapters will start getting longer soon, I think. But whatever. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: self-harm

“Jenny, we’re here.” Phineas gently shook her awake.

He had tried to take a nap too, but didn’t. He became too focused on making sure Jenny was comfortable. She looked like a porcelain doll. Beautiful but fragile. He held her gently while she slept, as if she would shatter if she was touched too hard.

Jenny yawned and sat up.

“Good morning.” She mumbled.

“I’m not sure exactly what time it is, but I think it’s well into the afternoon.” He teased.

“Well, I feel like it’s morning.”

“I take it you slept well.” He remarked. She nodded.

Phineas took her hand and led her off the train. They made their way through the train station and got in the carriage waiting for them. They had a rehearsal to go to at the theater first. Phineas needed to make sure everything had arrived on time. It also gave Jenny a chance to rehearse on the stage to get a feel for what the performance would be like.

As Phineas stood in the wings watching Jenny practice, he felt the same sense of awe he had the first time he heard her sing. Her voice was just as incredible as ever, even though she hadn’t warmed up much before the rehearsal. And even though she wasn’t decked out in a ball gown, she looked just as stunning as she had at her concerts. If anything, Phineas thought she looked even better with her fiery hair hanging around her shoulders than with it in a fancy updo.

She sang a couple of songs before heading backstage to Phineas.

“How did I sound?” She asked him.

“Perfect as always.” He smiled and winked at her. She blushed when he winked like she had on the train. He felt a little flutter in his stomach at the embarrassed smile she gave. “How about we go to dinner before we head to the hotel?” He suggested.

“Alright.”

Phineas didn’t know his way around Boston very well, but after walking for awhile, they found a little restaurant. They made small talk and flirted as they ate. Phineas told her funny stories about his daughters and the people in the circus. She seemed to enjoy the stories, but he noticed she didn’t bring up any stories about her own friends or family.

After they ate, they got a carriage to their hotel. It wasn’t the absolute nicest hotel in Boston, but it was the best they could afford. And it was still pretty damn nice. Jenny had agreed to share a hotel room with him to save a bit of money.

Phineas had ordered champagne to their room. He poured a glass for each of them.

“Here’s to a whole new adventure,” he toasted.

“Yes. And here’s to the man who made it happen.”

For the second time, they almost kissed. This time, it was Phineas that pulled away. They drank champagne and talked for about an hour. Phineas noticed that Jenny drank a lot more than he expected. Perhaps it was just because he expected a European opera singer wouldn’t drink much. Although he remembered she had downed plenty of alcohol at the receptions they’d been to so far. He was definitely surprised she could drink so much alcohol and barely be drunk. Either she naturally had an incredible tolerance for alcohol, or she drank like this all the time. From what Phineas had seen so far, he guessed it was the latter.

“We have a long day tomorrow.” He remarked. “We should probably get to bed.”

It wasn’t really that late and he wasn’t really that tired, but he felt like Jenny should get to bed before she got too drunk. He didn’t want anything bad to happen to her, and he increasingly felt like it was his job to protect her. Like she was a precious jewel he had to keep safe.

“But I don’t want to.” She protested, starting to pour herself another glass.

“But I think you should.” He took the glass from her hand and set it on the table, just out of her reach. She pouted. “You need to rest up for the concert tomorrow.”

“Fine.” She agreed. She stumbled a little when she stood up and he helped her regain her footing. She went to the bathroom and changed into her nightgown. When she came out, he noticed that she looked like she’d been crying.

“Are you alright?” He asked her.

“I’m fine.” She replied quietly. He didn’t believe her, but he didn’t press the issue. Instead, he went to the bathroom to change.

As he was leaving, he noticed a speck of blood in the sink. He thought it was odd, but didn’t think too much of it. Maybe she’d had a nosebleed or something.

When he came out of the bathroom, she was sitting on the edge of her bed, looking sad.

“Can I sleep in your bed tonight?” She asked.

“Of course.” They each did have a separate bed, but he felt like he couldn’t say no to her.

He crawled in bed and she crawled in next to him. She cuddled up against him and he held her in his arms as she fell asleep. He wasn’t quite tired yet, so he stayed awake thinking. Questions swirled through his mind. Was Jenny alright? And, for some reason more concerning, did she have feelings for him? Did he have feelings for her.

Phineas was pretty sure he knew the answers to all three questions. Jenny was not alright, but he figured eventually she would open up and tell him what was wrong. She seemed to have feelings for him, or at least she acted like it. He had started developing feelings for her as well, but he pushed them aside. He was a married man. He had no business falling for Jenny. He eventually fell asleep, doing his best to ignore his feelings, but not quite succeeding.

*****

Jenny loved seeing Phineas’ face when she sang. The love and admiration in his expression meant more than any ovation from an audience ever could. The concert in Boston was no different. His expression was just as awestruck as it had been in New York City. But the dynamic between them had changed. They were already much closer than they were then. She felt like she could truly call him her friend. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had one.

When the concert was over, she hugged him offstage. Everytime he hugged her, she noticed he held on a little tighter. And everytime, she wanted to hold on a little longer. She knew it was foolish to let this crush develop, but she couldn’t help it. Besides, what did it hurt to dream a little? Wasn’t that what Phineas was teaching her?

As usual, Jenny had a bit too much to drink at the reception. And she was feeling a little more daring than normal when they got back to the hotel.

“I suppose we ought to get to bed.” Phineas said.

“But do we really have to?” She was in the mood to do something a bit different tonight.

“We don’t have to, but we probably should. The train leaves early tomorrow.”

“We can sleep on the train.” She argued.

“So what do you propose we do tonight instead?” He asked. He was a little tipsy himself, but was he drunk enough to go along with her plan? She figured there was only one way to find out.

“Oh, I don’t know.” She replied seductively. Alcohol may have clouded her judgement, but she could talk just fine. “I thought we might spend a little time together.”

“Doing what?” She started playing with his tie.

“Whatever you want.” She took his tie off and threw it on the floor.

“Jenny, what are you trying to do?” He seemed taken aback.

“You already know.” She finally did what she had been dying to do for days. She kissed him. On the lips. Hard.

For a second, he kissed back, the pulled away startled. Jenny instantly felt ashamed.

“I-I’m sorry.” She muttered. “You’re right. We should just go to bed. I’ll go change.”

She grabbed her nightgown and purse and stumbled to the bathroom, tears welling up in her eyes. She locked the door behind her and took out the razor she kept hidden in her purse. She started cutting her wrists, adding more scars to the ones she’d made the night before.

She did this often. It was a way of coping with her emotions. And her guilt. She felt like she deserved it. She deserved this pain. And in a way, she enjoyed it. She got a twisted sense of satisfaction from slitting her wrists. It was one of the only ways she knew how to deal with things. The other was alcohol.

She bandaged her arms and cleaned up the blood in the sink. Her nightgown had long sleeves so Phineas wouldn’t see her bandaged arms.

She stumbled out of the bathroom still crying.

“I’ll sleep in my own bed tonight if you want.” She sobbed.

Phineas looked up at her with a mixture of sadness and alarm.

“No, Jenny. It’s alright.” He told her. He walked across the room to meet her and pulled her into his arms. “You can still sleep with me.”

He led her to bed and she cuddled up next to him. She was surprised he still let her. She thought she had fucked everything up. She probably still had. She cursed herself for being so foolish. Why had she kissed him? He was a married man. Even if he was single, he still wouldn’t want her. Nobody did.

She tried to push her thoughts away, but she couldn’t. Instead, she cried herself to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you’re enjoying it so far. Thanks for reading! :)


	6. Chapter 6

“Wake up, Jenny.” Phineas shook the woman in his arms gently. Jenny opened her eyes, but closed them again. “Wake up.” He tried again.

“Why?” She whined.

“We have to catch a train soon.” Phineas explained. “We’re leaving Boston for Philadelphia.”

She groaned but opened her eyes. Two days, and two more concerts, had passed since Jenny had kissed him. She hadn’t tried it again, but a part of him wished she would. A part of him wanted to just kiss her himself. But another part of him knew he couldn’t. He was married. He was committed to Charity.

Jenny seemed hungover, as she had most mornings, but she still talked and flirted as they packed up their things. Phineas had made sure that the kiss didn’t impact their friendship.

He held her hand all the way from their room to the carriage and from the carriage to the train. She was perfectly capable of following him without getting lost, but he felt too protective of her to chance it. Besides, she seemed to enjoy having a hand to hold. He could tell she was lonely.

He found it strange that the most famous singer in Europe was somehow an outcast in European society, even if she was born out of wedlock. Did everyone else cast her aside, or did she push people away on her own? And if so, why? He desperately wanted to know, but he figured if she wanted him to know she’d tell him on her own. He had to wait for her to feel comfortable. He didn’t know what kind of dark secrets she was hiding. It was best not to pressure her into telling him something she wasn’t comfortable sharing.

On the train, they sat and talked and looked out the window, pointing out cute animals and pretty flowers along the tracks.

“I bet Sweden’s a lot prettier.” Phineas remarked.

“Maybe, but I like it out here.” She replied. “Perhaps I could take you to Sweden sometime.”

“I’d like that.”

“Oh, those are pretty.” Jenny pointed to some purple and yellow flowers.

“I’m not entirely sure, but I believe those are New England Asters.” He told her.

“We don’t have those in Sweden.”   
Phineas took a mental note of her fascination with the wildflowers.

When they arrived in Philadelphia, they rehearsed at the theater and ate dinner like they had in Boston. They went back to their hotel and stayed up late into the night talking, until Jenny fell asleep in his arms.

*****

  
After the first concert in Philadelphia, and after Jenny met all the snobby, rich people at the  reception, Phineas took her arm  and led her out the door.

“You go ahead and get in the carriage,” he instructed. “I’ll meet you back at the hotel in a bit.”

She was confused, but didn’t ask any questions. She waited at the hotel for about a half an hour before he finally came back.

“Close your eyes.” He told her as he walked through the door. “Hold out your hands, careful.” He handed her what felt like a vase. “Open your eyes.”

It was a vase of New England Asters. She smiled.

“Phineas, I love them. Where did you get them?”

“I found saw them at a little flower shop down the road from the theater and I remembered how much you’d liked them yesterday.”

“Thank you so much.” It had been a long time since someone had bought her a truly meaningful gift. A gift that came from the heart, instead of a gift to impress her.

She sat them on the table and he sat down next to her on the couch. Her impulse told her to kiss him, but her sober judgement said no. But she listened to her impulse. She kissed him on the lips and he kissed back. But she pulled away, embarrassed and ashamed again.

“I’m sorry.” She mumbled.

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. You’re a married man and-,”

He cut her off with a kiss. They held on for a bit before he pulled away, smiling. She rested her head on his shoulder, and for awhile, they just sat there in silence, content to just be in each other’s company. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a short fluffy chapter. I wanted to keep it happy cuz it’s Christmas. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: sexual assault, self-harm, mentions of suicide and rape

“Goodnight, Jenny.” Phineas kissed her. 

 

“Goodnight, Phineas.” She closed her eyes and cuddled up against him. Over the last few nights, it had become a routine for him to kiss her goodnight. 

 

Part of him felt guilty about it. He was still married. Charity would be rightfully furious if she knew what he was doing. And he loved her. He would never want to hurt her. But she wasn’t here. Jenny was, and she seemed to need him more than he could actually understand. 

 

*****

 

The next morning, Jenny sat next to Phineas on the train. They were headed to Washington D.C. She was excited to see the nation’s capital. And rumor had it, the President would be at her concert the next night. 

 

She held Phineas’ hand on the train. She felt so safe when she was holding his hand. She felt like someone finally cared about her. She was starting to think she loved him. But did he love her? No one ever had before. She wasn’t sure it was possible. Over the last few days, she had been waiting to hear him tell her he loved her. He hadn’t yet, and she tried to be okay with it. She didn’t want him to say those words if he didn’t mean them. No one had ever told her they loved her and meant it before, and she wasn’t counting on it happening now. 

 

That night, after Jenny and Phineas got to the hotel, they went out on the balcony of their room. It had a beautiful view of the city.

 

“Isn’t it incredible?” She remarked. 

 

“It is.” He lifted her chin to look her in the eyes. “But not as beautiful as you.”

 

He leaned down to kiss her and she eagerly kissed back. There was something addictive about the way he kissed her. It felt so gentle and loving. But this kiss got more passionate than the others they’d shared. Eventually, he backed her against the wall. She took off his jacket and tie and he took off her robe. When she started to unbutton his shirt, he suddenly pulled away. He looked ashamed and he wouldn’t meet her eyes.

 

“I’m sorry,” he muttered. He picked up his clothes and walked back inside, leaving her standing on the balcony in nothing but her slip and undergarments. 

 

She walked back inside and ran to the bathroom with her purse and nightgown. She hadn’t cut herself since they had been in Boston, because Phineas had made her feel like she didn’t need to. But that night, reality came crashing back down. 

 

Jenny cried as she reopened the healing scars and created new ones. Of course Phineas didn’t really love her. He was married. He was probably just using her because he knew he could make money off her. He was just like everyone else. And if he acted like he loved her, he was just manipulating her into thinking he wanted her for more than just her voice. 

 

She cleaned up her blood and bandaged her arms. She changed into her nightgown and went out into the room, this time crawling into her own bed. 

 

“Jenny, you can still sleep in my bed.” Phineas called to her. “I’m sorry about what happened, I-,”

 

“Shut up.” She spat. “I don’t want to sleep in your bed.”

 

“Jenny,” he got up and started to walk towards her.

 

“No! Fuck off!” She yelled, starting to cry again. 

 

Phineas backed away and went back to his bed. Jenny blew out the lamp on her nightstand and cried herself to sleep. 

 

The next day, Jenny intentionally kept Phineas at an arm’s length. As much as she wanted him to hold her in his arms, she kept reminding herself that he didn’t love her. All he cared about was the money he could make from her. 

 

During her performance that night, she intentionally didn’t look at him, and she ignored him when she walked off stage.

 

“Jenny,” he called after her as she walked past him. She didn’t turn around. She went straight to her dressing room to change. 

 

She ignored him during the reception, even when he raised a toast to her. He gave her a pleading look as he spoke, but she didn’t walk over to him, or even acknowledge his words. She walked away and stood in a corner alone. She knew she was supposed to meet with people, but she just didn’t feel like it. Suddenly, a young man came up to her.

 

“Well, you have quite the voice,” he told her. 

 

“Thank you.” She forced a smile.

 

“And you’re even more beautiful up close.” 

 

“Thank y-,” he suddenly covered her mouth with his hand. He pulled her around the corner and into a janitorial closet. 

 

“There, that’s better.” He said in a voice that made Jenny’s skin crawl. He pushed her against the wall. “We just needed some privacy, didn’t we?”

 

“Get off me!” She yelled, trying to push him away. He covered her mouth and slammed her against the wall again. 

 

“You stay quiet. We wouldn’t want anyone to know what’s going on in here, would we?” He lifted her dress and grabbed her ass. She squirmed, desperately trying to get away from him. “Calm down. The more you cooperate the less this will hurt.” 

 

He pulled down her panties. She started to cry as he touched her. He laughed in a way that made her want to vomit. Suddenly, she heard a voice in the hallway. 

 

“William,” a woman called. The man got a panicked look on his face and ran out the door. “What on earth were you doing in there?” The woman asked him. Jenny didn’t hear his answer, but had no doubt it was a lie. 

 

Jenny sank to the floor and sobbed. She wasn’t sure what the hell had just happened to her. Or why. But she was upset and angry. She knew that man would’ve raped her if that woman hadn’t come looking for him. 

 

She knew she should go back to the reception, but she didn’t want to. She just wanted to hide in that closet and cry. And for what seemed like an eternity, she did. But suddenly, she heard Phineas calling for her.

 

“Jenny!” He yelled, sounding panicked. “Jenny, where are you?” 

 

She stayed silent, hoping he wouldn’t open the door to the closet. But he did.

 

“Jenny, what are you doing in here?” He knelt down beside her. “There are people out there who want to meet you.”

 

“I don’t care.” She cried. “I want to leave.”

 

“You can’t leave yet.” He didn’t even seem to notice she was crying. Maybe he did and he just didn’t care. “President Fillmore is here. He wants to meet you.”

 

“Phineas, you don’t understand!” She started to raise her voice. “I can’t stay here! There was this man and he-,” 

 

“Whatever is wrong, we can talk about it later.” He cut her off. “I need you to come out here and meet the President.”

 

“You-,” she started to argue again, but stopped. He didn’t care what had happened to her. All he cared about was himself. And impressing other people. How dare he have to disappoint the President because she got assaulted and wanted to leave? “Fine.” She agreed quietly. “I’ll be out in a minute. I’ll meet you out there.”

 

After he left, she pulled her panties back up and wiped the tears that were still streaming down her face. She took a few deep breaths and shakily stepped out of the closet. She walked anxiously back to the reception. She saw Phineas talking to the President. He saw her and waved her over.

 

“Here she is.” Phineas announced as she approached. “President Fillmore, this is Jenny Lind.”

 

“Lovely to meet you.” He told her. She stood there frozen. Phineas nudged her and she reached her hand up. He kissed her hand, and she instinctively yanked it away. 

 

“I-I’m sorry.” She forced a smile. “It’s lovely to meet you, as well.”

 

“I just wanted to tell you that you have an incredible voice.” 

 

“Thank you.” 

 

They chatted awkwardly for a minute before he went on. Phineas turned towards her.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” He whispered angrily. “That was the President and you yanked your hand away when he tried to kiss it. He admired your voice and wanted to meet you and you were incredibly rude.”

 

“You don’t even care about me, do you?” She accused. “You don’t know what just happened to me. I had every reason not to want to meet him.”

 

“Jenny, I don’t know what happened but you need to get a handle on yourself. This is a reception in your honor and it doesn't exactly make either of us look good when you’re hostile to the guests.”

 

“That’s what this is about.” She spat. “It’s all about you and your reputation. You don’t give a shit about me.” 

 

She pushed past him and started to leave. 

 

“Jenny!” He called after her.

 

“Fuck you.” She didn’t even turn around. She ran out the door and took a carriage back to the hotel. 

 

About an hour later, Phineas returned. She was sitting on the couch, trying to process the night’s events. 

 

“Jenny, what the hell was that?” He slammed the door and walked over to her. “I had to tell people you got sick and had to leave. Do you know how humiliating that was?”

 

“You know what’s humiliating?” She yelled, standing up. She picked up a glass from the table in front of her and threw it at him. It just barely missed his head, shattering on the floor behind him. 

 

“Jenny,” He tried to touch her arm, but she pushed him away. 

 

“No!” She cut him off. “Listen to me, asshole! You know what’s humiliating? Meeting a young man who calls you beautiful and then drags you into a closet and, and,” she trailed off, bursting into tears.

 

“And what?” His tone softened and he now looked concerned. “What did he do to you?”

 

“He touched me.” She told him quietly.

 

“What do you mean he touched you?”  

 

“He tried to rape me. And he would have succeeded if someone hadn’t come looking for him.” 

 

“Oh God,” He gave her a hug. “I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“I tried. Several times. You wouldn’t listen.” She pulled away from him.

 

“Jenny, I’m so sorry.” 

 

“Stop.” She backed away slowly. “You’ve already shown me you don’t care. Don’t try to pretend you do now.”

 

Jenny ran to the bathroom and sobbed. She threw up on the floor. Then she took out her razor and cut her wrists until she thought she was going to pass out. 

 

As she held the razor in her hand, she got the idea to cut something else with it. She could stab herself in the stomach or chest. She could slit her throat. And it would all be over. No more suffering, no more pain. But she couldn’t. She physically didn’t have the strength left in her to do it. 

 

Instead, she cleaned up the mess she made and crawled into bed, thinking perhaps she’d do it in the morning.

 

***** 

 

Phineas couldn’t sleep that night. All he could think about was Jenny. Guilt gnawed at him. He felt responsible for what had happened to her. He should have noticed she was gone before the President wanted to meet her. If he’d kept an eye of her, he could’ve stopped that man from dragging her into that closet. But he was too caught up in himself. In his need to impress people. Make himself the center of attention. It was the same reason he wouldn’t listen to her after he found her. She had tried several times to tell him she had been assaulted. He wouldn’t listen. She didn’t feel safe there, but he forced her to stay rather than say no to the President. 

 

Now, Jenny wouldn’t even speak to him. And he deserved it. He wanted to crawl in her bed and hold her, but he knew she wouldn’t let him. And rightfully so. He had been selfish. He’d placed his wants over her needs. His ego over her safety. She would never forgive him for that. And he didn’t deserve to be forgiven. 

 

The next day, Jenny hardly spoke to him at all. He noticed she spent a little more time than usual in the bathroom that morning, and when she finally came out, she looked like a ghost. Phineas noticed that even as run down as she looked, she was still beautiful. 

 

She held it together during the concert, but just barely. He cancelled that night’s reception, telling people she was still sick, and couldn’t stay. 

 

When they got back to the hotel, Phineas had to talk to her. He knew it probably wouldn’t end well, but he couldn’t take her silence any longer. She sat down on the couch and he sat down next to her. She turned away from him.

 

“Jenny, please talk to me.” He pleaded. “I’m so sorry about last night. Guilt has been eating me alive all day. I couldn’t even sleep last night, knowing what I did to you. I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I need you to know that I love you.” 

 

She turned to face him, tears in her eyes.

 

“No you don’t.” She shook her head. “No one ever has and no one ever will.” 

 

“Jenny, that’s not true.” He took her hand. “I love you. I love you so much.” He pulled her closer and wiped her tears. “I mean that. I love you.” 

 

He lifted her chin and kissed her. 

 

“I love you.” He told her again. “I know I’m being repetitive, but I’m going to keep saying it until you believe it. I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” She whispered. 

 

He kissed her again. This time, neither of them pulled away. Eventually, she crawled in his lap and straddled him as they made out. They started undressing each other. When they got down to their undergarments, he picked her up and carried her to the bed. He laid her down and crawled on top of her. He started kissing her again, but suddenly pulled away. He sighed. He couldn’t do it. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. He was married.

 

“Jenny, I’m sorry.” He sighed. “I love you, but I can’t do this. I’m a married man.”

 

“I understand.” She replied sadly. 

 

He got off the bed and helped her sit up. But suddenly he noticed something that made his stomach turn. Jenny’s arms were covered in scars. He gasped and knelt down in front of her. 

 

“Jenny, what happened to your arms?” He asked. 

 

Jenny didn’t reply. Instead, she started to cry again. He looked closer at them. Had that man done this to her? He didn’t think so. She didn’t mention it and she wasn’t bleeding when he had found her in the closet. And some of the scars looked older than others. He realized with horror that she had done this to herself.

 

“You did this to yourself, didn’t you?” She nodded. “Why?” 

 

“I,” she started to explain, but instead started crying harder. He took her arms, and kissed her scars. 

 

“Please stop doing this, love.” He pleaded softly. The thought of Jenny cutting herself made him want to vomit. “Can you promise me you’ll stop?”

 

She just shrugged. 

 

“Why don’t we go to bed?” He suggested. She nodded weakly. 

 

Neither of them fell asleep. He just held her while she cried. He didn’t think she knew, but he was crying too. 

 

*****

 

“Phineas?” Jenny called softly. She wanted to give him an explanation for why she cut herself. For why she was so depressed. For why she was so lonely and felt so unloved. For why she felt so worthless.

 

“What?”

 

“Remember when I told you that life always manages to find a way to remind me that I don’t deserve a place in this world? I want to tell you what I meant by that.”

 

“Go ahead, love.” He planted a soft kiss in her hair and held her a little tighter.

 

“Growing up, my parents hated me. They still do. My birth brought shame on them and they blamed me for that. No matter what I did, it was wrong. Everything that went wrong was my fault. They were always upset with me and they made sure I knew I was worthless. Sometimes, when they were really mad, they would beat me. They used sticks, belts, whatever they could find. Sometimes, my mother would refuse to feed me for days at a time.”

 

“Oh, God. That’s terrible.” He remarked.

 

“It gets worse. When I turned seven, my father started taking me into his room and,” She trailed off, then took a deep breath before continuing. “Touching me. It wasn’t until I got a few years older that I realized that was very wrong. I tried to tell my mother but she didn’t believe me. Instead, she would accuse me of lying and beat me.”

 

“Jenny, I’m so sorry.”

 

“It might be because of my father that I’ve never had a healthy relationship with a man.” She went on. “I got my first boyfriend when I was 16. He started out wonderful, but soon he started yelling at me for no reason. He started getting mad at me over everything, and beating me when he got mad. One night, when we had been dating for about a year, he tried to have sex with me. I said no, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He raped me. Soon, he made a habit of that too. I was with him for two years until one day, out of the blue, he left me. He told me I was worthless and that I would never find someone that really loved me.”

 

“Jenny, why didn’t you leave him first?”

 

“Because I thought I deserved to be treated that way. I was devastated when he left.”

 

“Have you had any other boyfriends?”

 

“A few. But none of them treated me much better. I’ve never had a boyfriend who didn’t end up hurting me. And I’ve never had a friend who didn’t end up using me.”

 

“Well, none of those people deserved you. You’re amazing and you deserve so much better.” He told her. 

 

“I have no real friends. No close family. I have a lot of one night stands and spend every night getting drunk. Then I stumble home and slit my wrists. All to try to numb the pain. It never quite works.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a lot. But thanks for reading. I'll have more soon! :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been waiting to write this chapter since I started this fanfic. And I had to lighten the mood a bit after chapter 7. Hope you enjoy it! :)

The next morning, Phineas led Jenny through the train station. He felt extra protective of her now, knowing what she had been through. His stomach flipped when he imagined this sweet, beautiful woman being beaten, molested, and raped. He was certain that if he ever met her parents or her ex-boyfriend he would punch them out.

He understood now why she was so depressed. But he still hated the thought of her harming herself. He had to make sure she stopped. He needed to protect her. Not only from other people, but from herself and her own demons. He needed to keep her from getting hurt. He had already hurt her once. He couldn’t do it again.

Jenny cuddled up next to Phineas on the train.

“Where are we going again?” She asked, sounding tired.

“Richmond, Virginia.”

“Right.” She nodded.

He was tired, and she seemed tired, but neither of them slept on the train. Instead, they talked and laughed the whole way there. Jenny didn’t bring up the night before and neither did he. He figured if she wanted to talk about it again, she would bring it up herself. Besides, he wanted to have fun with her. She was very funny when she was in the right mood. And he wanted to get her mind off of her past.

The next night, Jenny actually seemed happy during her performance. They’d spent the past two days playing games and having fun around the city. It was great to see a genuine smile on her face.

She looked over and smiled at him several times during her performance. He noticed again how gorgeous she was. He suddenly found himself wondering if she sounded as beautiful moaning and she did singing. And despite a voice in in the back of his mind reminding him that he was married, he found himself very much wanting to find out.

*****

Jenny noticed something different in the way Phineas looked at her from offstage. It was a look of pure lust, and it excited her a little. But she ignored it as best she could. She was in the middle of a performance.

At the reception, there was a sexual tension between them she had never felt before. Sure, they had almost had sex twice before, but both of those incidents had been spontaneous. This time, Phineas seemed to be planning something. Jenny wondered if he would actually go through with it.

When they got back to the hotel, they sat down next to each other on the couch.

“I’d pour us another glass of champagne but I think we both had plenty at the reception.” Phineas remarked.

“Yes.” Jenny placed her hand on his leg.

“But I don’t think we’ve had enough to stop us from doing this.” He leaned in and kissed her, slowly leaning her back on the couch. He started to reach a hand up her skirt, but stopped. “Are you okay with this?”

“Of course.” She replied with a smile. No man had ever verbally asked for her consent before.

He pressed his lips against hers and they made out again. He started rubbing her through her panties and she let out a soft moan. With every second that passed, she could feel the desire growing between them. They started undressing each other and he pulled her off the couch to make it easier. When they were naked, he picked her up and carried her to the bed.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Jenny asked him. They had gone further than they had before, but she still half-expected him to remember his wife and back out.

“I’m sure.” He replied, climbing on top of her.

Jenny had never understood before why people sometimes referred to sex as making love. But now she did. When Phineas made love to her, she felt like she really cared about her. About her pleasure. Every other man she’d had sex with had only been focused on himself.

His kiss and his touch were passionate, but still gentle. He smiled when she moaned and he paid attention to her body’s responses. When she liked something, he did it more. For the first time in her life, he made her really feel loved.

When they finished, he rolled off her and she cuddled up to him. He kissed her again.

“I love you.” He told her.

“I love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter of 2019. I hope you enjoy it!

Jenny took Phineas’ hand as he led her onto the ship. There weren’t as many railroads in the southern United States as in the north so they were traveling from Richmond to Charleston, South Carolina on a ship. The journey would only take a few days, but it still made Jenny nervous. She didn’t particularly enjoy traveling by water. She feared the ship getting caught in a storm and sinking. She had spent much of her time during the journey across the Atlantic drinking. It was the only way she could calm her nerves. She would likely spend her time on this ship the same way.

 

They could’ve had separate cabins on the ship, but Jenny felt more comfortable staying with Phineas. When they got to their cabin, Jenny went to the small liquor cabinet in the corner of the room and took out a bottle of whiskey and a glass.

 

“Jenny, it’s noon.” Phineas pointed out.

 

“And?”

 

“I don’t think you need to get drunk at noon. I don’t know why you think you need to drink all the time.” 

 

“It’s the only way I know to calm my nerves.” She told him. “Although, I’ll have you know I’ve been doing much better since I’ve been with you.”

 

“Good. So put the bottle down, Jenny.” He took the bottle from her hands and set it on the table. 

 

He pulled her close and kissed her. His lips moved down to her neck. She giggled. They started moving towards the bed. They had sex for the second time. She wondered if part of him felt guilty about sleeping with her, given he had a wife a thousand miles away, completely clueless that his new act had become his new lover. But she didn’t really care if he felt guilty or how his wife might feel if she found out. She didn’t care that she could never have him completely for herself. She just cared that she had him now. 

 

*****

 

That night, Phineas fell asleep with Jenny in his arms. But he woke up in the middle of the night to find she wasn’t there. He was confused for a minute before he heard a glass being set down on the table. He sat up to see Jenny sitting at the table drinking the bottle of whiskey he had took from her earlier. 

 

“Jenny, what are you doing?” He asked.

 

“Numbing the pain.” She answered sadly. 

 

“Come to bed, love.” She shook her head. He sighed and got out of bed. He sat across from her at the table and took her hand. They sat in silence for a moment, until Jenny suddenly spoke.

 

“I’ve been drinking and cutting since I was a teenager.” She told him. “But it really became a serious problem three years ago, when I suddenly got a new reason to feel guilty, besides having been born.”

 

“What happened?” 

 

“I got pregnant.” She told him. “Obviously I wasn’t married. In fact, I didn’t even know who the father was. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell anyone. It could ruin my career. I spent almost every waking moment trying to think of a solution. But I couldn’t. Financially I could afford to care for a baby by myself, but mentally I couldn’t. I couldn’t handle the shame, and besides, I could barely handle my own emotions, let alone someone else’s. I panicked. And one night, to calm my panic, I thought I’d have a drink. One drink turned into two, then three, and before I knew it I was drunk. But I didn’t stop. By the early morning, I felt a horrifying pain in my womb. I had miscarried.”

 

“Oh God,” he squeezed her hand. 

 

“I didn’t do it on purpose.” She started to cry. “But everyone would think I did so I never told anyone. The only person who knew, until now, was the doctor I had seen. I just can’t handle the guilt. I killed someone. I killed my own child. After that happened, all my guilt and pain just multiplied. And that’s when the cutting and the drinking got really bad. A few months after it happened, I tried to kill myself. Obviously it didn’t work, but it should’ve.”

 

“No.” He got up and pulled her out of her chair and into his arms. “It shouldn’t have worked. If it had, I wouldn’t have you now. And I love you.” 

 

*****

 

Jenny stood in Phineas’ arms, crying. She had told him her darkest secret. She wasn’t sure if she should have, but she felt like she could trust him. And she didn’t trust people easily.

 

“Come back to bed, Jenny.” He told her.

 

He took her hand and led her to the bed. She crawled in beside him.

 

“Phineas, what’s your life been like?” She asked him. She figured she’d told her enough of her tragic backstory to deserve to hear his.

 

“Well, my mother died when I was three.” He began. “I don’t remember her very well, but my father always said that she was a wonderful mother and that she loved me very much. My father was a tailor and we were very poor. One of his clients were Charity’s parents, who were very wealthy. I knew from the day I met her that I loved her, but her parents never thought I was good enough for her. They sent her off to finishing school when we were ten and when I was eleven, my father died. I spent a few years living on the streets, begging for every scrap of food. I started working various menial jobs when I was 13. When Charity returned from finishing school, we were sixteen. We eloped together and got married. Over the next few years we had Caroline and Helen. Then one day, I lost my job. I used documents I had stolen from my old job as collateral to buy the museum. And I think you know what happened from there.”

 

“I’m sorry about your parents.” She told him. “I’m sure they were wonderful people.”

 

“They were.” He sighed. “But I don’t expect you to feel too sorry for me. My story doesn’t even come close to what you’ve been through.” 

 

“Maybe not. But it’s still sad.” She remarked. 

 

“We ought to get to sleep.” He kissed her. “Goodnight, Jenny.”

 

“Goodnight, Phineas.” She replied. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

*****

 

Phineas held Jenny as she fell asleep in his arms. He hoped there wasn’t yet another piece to her story she hadn’t told him. He understood why she was so depressed. Anyone would be if they’d been through what she had. She was like something out of a Shakespearean tragedy. But he had gained her trust. And he couldn’t break that. For better or worse, she was his. And now it was his job to love her and protect her. 

 

It had started to rain. He could hear the rain hit the window of their cabin. But it didn’t seem to be raining too hard. And he had always found the sound of rain to be comforting. He let the rain lull him to sleep. 

 

He woke up when he was suddenly thrown to the floor. He opened his eyes to see he had landed on top of Jenny. She laid below him, looking panicked. 

 

“Are you alright?” He asked her.

 

“I-I think so.” She answered. “What the hell was that?”

 

“I have no idea.” He could hear the rain coming down harder now and the wind whistling along with it. “I think we’ve hit a storm.”

 

“Oh God.” She muttered. She desperately tried to scramble from underneath him. He rolled off her but grabbed her arms.

 

“Calm down, love.” He comforted her. “Let’s just go back to bed. I’m sure everything is fine.” 

 

He helped her up and tried to lead her back to bed. But the ship rocked again, throwing them back to the floor. They rolled across the room and hit the wall. The glass and the bottle fell off the table and shattered on the floor. He heard a loud crash of thunder outside. 

 

“We’re going to die out here, aren’t we?” Jenny asked, panicked.

 

“No, no.” He took her in his arms. The boat rocked, but they had landed in a corner that prevented them from being thrown around too much. 

 

“Yes we are.” She started to cry. “The ship is going to sink and we’re going to drown. That’s one of my biggest fears. I’ve been scared the whole time that it would happen and it’s going to.”

 

“Shh.” He pulled her tighter against him, praying she was wrong. He was terrified, but he stifled his fear for her sake. Seeing him panic wouldn’t help her. 

 

For what seemed like an eternity, they sat pressed together in the corner as the ship rocked and things crashed to the ground around them. The rain and wind only seemed to be getting stronger and the thunder only seemed to be getting louder. But eventually, everything stilled. The sound of the storm softened, but Phineas and Jenny stayed frozen in the corner. Eventually, they fell back asleep. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'll have more soon! :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: self-harm

A day and a half later, Phineas stepped off the ship with Jenny. They had finally made it to Charleston. Unfortunately, it had taken them a day longer than they’d planned, as the storm had blown them off course. According to the crew, they really had come close to sinking. He thanked God they hadn’t. He also thanked God he had scheduled an extra day in Charleston before the performances, so he and Jenny would have more time to recover from the journey. They only had one day now, and they needed it more than he’d thought. 

 

They went to rehearsal at the theater then checked into their hotel. 

 

“Let’s go out. Do something fun.” Phineas suggested when they had settled in. “We deserve it.”

 

“What did you have in mind?” 

 

“Whatever you want.”

 

They got a carriage and headed downtown. They walked through the streets of the beautiful city. They headed into small shops as they went along. In one, Phineas noticed how much Jenny liked a necklace with an aquamarine. 

 

“Do you want to try it on?” He asked her.

 

“Sure.” He picked it up and put it on her. “You look stunning. It really brings out your eyes.”

 

“Thanks.” She blushed as his fingers grazed her cheek. 

 

“Do you want it? I’ll get it for you.” He offered.

 

“No, that won’t be necessary.” She shook her head. “I can buy it myself.”

 

“No, I insist. It’s my treat.”

 

“Alright.” She conceded. “Thank you.”

 

Phineas paid for the necklace, then they went out to dinner. 

 

When they got back to the hotel, he sat down on the bed next to Jenny. He kissed her and she kissed back. His lips moved down to her neck, then her chest. He unzipped her dress as his lips made their way down her body. He threw her dress to the floor and took off his jacket. She pressed her lips against his as they finished undressing each other. He teased her as he took off her panties, and she moaned into his mouth. He slowly put one finger in her, then another. 

 

“Phineas,” she gasped. 

 

He gently laid her down and got on top of her. She moaned as he entered her. He took his time, touching and kissing her where she needed it. 

 

When they finished, he rolled off her and kissed her again. 

 

“You’re amazing, you know that, right?” He whispered. Her only response was a smile. He loved seeing her smile. And he loved being the one to make her smile.

 

As he laid next to Jenny, he felt the guilt start to set in. It never got to him while he was having sex with Jenny. It always hit him after, when everything calmed down and he could think straight again. He imagined poor Charity’s face if she found out what he was doing. She didn’t deserve the hurt it would cause her. But he tried to push it aside. He loved her, but he loved Jenny too. And she needed him in a way Charity never had. He just had to make sure she never found out. 

 

*****

 

The next night, at the reception, Jenny stayed close to Phineas. She had really started to fall in love with him, despite how much she had tried to stop herself. He was married. But, he seemed to be falling in love with her as well. 

 

As they talked to one of the guests, she subtly reached out and grabbed his hand. He took it. She looked up at him, giving him a shy smile. He winked. The guest didn’t seem to notice any of it. He was too excited to meet her. 

 

After he left them alone, she led him to the champagne for a refill. Being around so many people made her anxious. She needed something to calm her nerves. Phineas just didn’t quite do the trick in this situation. But he did help somewhat. 

 

“I love you,” she lifted her glass for a toast. 

 

“I love you too,” he relied, taking a sip. 

 

She reached up to kiss him, but he pushed her away. 

 

“Not here,” he replied. “I’m sorry.”

 

“I thought you loved me,” she was hurt by his rejection.

 

“I do. But I can’t have people finding out about us. I’m sorry.” He walked away from her. 

 

She wanted to cry. Of course he didn’t want people to know about their relationship. She was just another act. He was probably ashamed to be seen as anything closer than business partners with her. She knew he was married, but naturally, she felt that this was deeper than that. He probably didn’t even really love her. She was just a talented woman who could make him a lot of money. She didn’t mean anything more to him than that. She had been foolish to think anything else. 

 

The carriage ride back to the hotel was silent and awkward. She sat as far away from him as she could, and looked out the window, giving him the cold shoulder. 

 

“Jenny, I’m sorry.” He told her, putting his hand on hers. She pushed it away. 

 

When they got back to the hotel, she grabbed her purse and went to the bathroom. She took out her razor and began cutting herself. She hadn’t done this in several days. She hadn’t felt the need to. But now she did, and she got a twisted sense of relief from reopening her healing scars. 

 

She heard a knock at the door.

 

“Jenny, are you alright in there?” Phineas called through the door. She didn’t reply. He banged on the door again. “Jenny! Jenny, answer me!” He kept banging on the door, but she gave no response. She just kept cutting herself. “Jenny!” He screamed. She didn’t reply. 

 

Phineas opened the door. She didn’t look up at him. She just continued cutting herself. 

 

“Oh my God, Jenny.” 

 

He tried to grab the razor from her hands, but she gripped it tighter. He tried again. This time, she turned around and stabbed his arm. He screamed. He reached for the razor again, and she tried to keep ahold of it. It cut into both of their hands as he wrestled her to the ground for it. Eventually, he took it from her and threw it behind him. She looked up at him and started to cry. He rolled off of her and laid down beside her. He grabbed her bloody arms and started crying too. 

 

“Jenny, I do love you. I really do. And I’m sorry about tonight.” 

 

“No. You don’t love me.” She moved out of his grasp. “Why would you? I’m just an ugly, little wretch. A lost, tortured soul, too far gone to find her way again. No one could ever love me.”

 

“That isn’t true, sweetheart.” He took her hand. “I love you.”

 

“You won’t even kiss me in public.”

 

“I just didn’t want someone to see us.” He tried to defend himself.

 

“Why? Are you ashamed to be with me or something?”

 

“No. I just,” He sighed. “I just don’t want my wife to find out about us.” 

 

“Who do you love more? Me or her?” She questioned.

 

“I don’t know. All I know is that my wife trusted me to go on this tour and I’ve gone and fallen in love with another woman. But I do love you. More than you could ever understand.” She wasn’t sure how much she believed him, but she was tired of arguing. “Let’s get you cleaned up, love.” 

 

He helped her sit up, then grabbed a wet washcloth to clean up the blood. He wrapped her arms, then picked her up and carried her out of the bathroom. She buried her head in his chest, still crying. 

 

He tucked her into bed, then crawled in beside her, taking her in his arms. He kissed her. 

 

“Goodnight, Jenny.” He whispered. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” She closed her eyes and tried to push aside her doubts about him. Eventually, she cried herself to sleep in his arms. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :) 
> 
> Fun fact: I have a pretty good idea of the story line from here on out, but I haven't actually decided how I'll end it yet.


	11. Chapter 11

Three days and two performances later, Phineas led Jenny aboard another ship, this time to Havana, Cuba. This journey would be a little longer than the previous one, but the weather was much nicer.

He felt horrible about the incident in Charleston and had spent the last few days trying to make it up to her. He had hurt her again. His actions had directly made her harm herself. And that brought with it more guilt than any reminder of Charity could.

That evening, they ate dinner out on the deck. All they could see for miles was the ocean, and the sunset was absolutely breathtaking.

“What a beautiful view.” Jenny remarked.

“Yes. But not as beautiful as you.” He replied.

“Stop.” She shook her head sadly. “You don’t have to lie to me. I know I’m not a pretty woman.”

“I’m not lying, love.” He took her hand. “You’re beautiful and I want you to know it.”

“Phineas, it’s hard to tell when you’re lying.” She let go of his hand. “You say one thing and do another. You tell me you love me then you push me away. I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

“Jenny, I do love you. And I care about you.”

“You don’t love me as much as you love yourself. And you don’t care about me as much as you care about your reputation.”

“That’s not true.” He defended himself. “I’m sorry about what happened in Charleston. I’m sorry about what happened in Washington. I’m sorry about everything. I fucked up. But I do love you and I do care about you.”

“I want to believe that, but I’m not sure I can.”

“Then I guess I’ll have to prove it to you.”

*****

Three days later, they arrived in Havana. Jenny held Phineas’ hand as they got off the ship. He had been so romantic with her the last few days, but she still couldn’t help but question if he really meant it. She had been reminded he had a wife at home several times. How much could he really love her?

She squeezed his hand and laid her head on his shoulder as they sat in the carriage. He planted a soft kiss in her hair and she smiled.

They had two days off before the first concert, and he filled them by taking her on romantic dates and buying her gifts and flowers. She loved it. No man had ever treated her this well before. She was pretty sure he loved her, but it was hard to push away the nagging doubt that he didn’t. It was hard to ignore the voice in her head that told her no one would ever really love her.

After the first concert, after they bowed and the audience applauded, he pulled her offstage and gave her a passionate kiss.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you too.”

When they got back to the hotel, he kissed her again. They undressed each other as he moved her toward the bed. He laid her down, but to her confusion, he didn’t climb on top of her. Instead, his lips moved down her body and he pulled her legs so they hung over the side of the bed. He kneeled down in front of her.

When she felt his lips between her legs, she gasped. She moaned as he licked, sucked, and kissed at her. His tongue flicked at her entrance and she grabbed his head with her hand.

“God, you sound beautiful when you moan.” He remarked, pulling away briefly. She moaned again when she felt his tongue on her again.

She had never been pleasured like this before. No man had ever done this to her. When she finished, she laid there, breathless.

“Phineas, that was amazing.” She told him.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, love.”

He didn’t ask for anything in return. He didn’t ask her to reciprocate or even to fuck him. He just crawled under the covers with her and held her. Perfectly content to just pleasure her. And at that moment, she felt reassured that he really loved her.

*****

The next morning, Phineas woke up with Jenny in his arms. She was still fast asleep. She looked so beautiful, with her fiery hair still spread out on the pillow. He wanted to kiss her, but he didn’t want to wake her up. So he laid next to her and let her sleep, admiring her beauty.

Eventually, she woke up on her own. He kissed her as her eyes fluttered open.

“Good morning, angel.” He said softly.

“I’m no angel.” She replied tiredly. Even having just woke up, she was arguing with his compliments.

“You are.” His fingers gently grazed her cheek. “You’re a troubled angel who has battled many demons. But you’re my angel.”

Jenny reached up and kissed him. The kiss quickly grew deeper and more passionate. His hands roamed her body, still naked from the night before. Eventually, she climbed on top of him.

“Would an angel do this?” She asked as she lowered herself down on him.

“Absolutely,” he moaned. She laughed, then kissed him again.

When they finished, she laid down on top of him.

“That was amazing,” he told her.

“I felt like I owed you something after last night.” She replied.

“Jenny, you don’t ever owe me anything. I did that because I wanted to pleasure you. You owe me nothing in return. Although, that was a fantastic way to start the day.”

She laughed again and he kissed her.

“I love you.” She told him.

“I love you too.”

*****

That night, after the performance, Phineas told Jenny he had a surprise for her. She was excited, if a little nervous.

When they got in the carriage, he put a blindfold on her so she couldn’t see where they were going. This made her even more nervous, even though she knew he wouldn’t hurt her. She took a bit of comfort in how he held her and planted soft kisses on her face and neck.

Eventually, the carriage stopped.

“We’re here.” Phineas announced.

“Can I take off my blindfold now?”

“Not yet.”

Phineas helped her out of the carriage and led her to wherever they were going. Wherever it was, it was outside.

After a few minutes of walking, he took off her blindfold. They stood on a dark, sandy beach. She gasped when she saw the view. All she could see for miles was water, with the moon and the stars reflected in it. They were alone on the beach, seemingly far from the crowded city.

“Phineas, it’s beautiful.” She remarked.

“I’m glad you like it.”

For awhile, they just stood there, admiring the view.

“The weather is amazing here.” Jenny said. “It’s a fall evening but it’s still so warm.”

“I know.” He smiled. “Perfect weather to take a swim.”

“But I don’t have a bathing suit.” She protested.

“You don’t need one.” He winked. She raised an eyebrow, but went along with it.

They undressed and got in the water. She couldn’t help but laugh. She felt a little ridiculous, but they were having fun.

They played around in the water for a bit before he pulled her in his arms and kissed her. His hands moved down her body as they made out. She moaned into his mouth as he started rubbing her. Her knees almost gave way from the pleasure, but he kept her upright. He fingered her until she came in his hand. Then he pulled away a bit and smirked before speaking.

“Let’s say we take this back to the hotel.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. There won’t be many more fluffy chapters like this, so enjoy them before shit hits the fan. 
> 
> I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	12. Chapter 12

After two more days in Havana, Phineas and Jenny boarded a ship to New Orleans. It would be another two day trip, but this would be their last journey by ship. Although he enjoyed the voyages to sea, he was glad this would be their last. He knew how anxious they made Jenny. And after the storm on the way to Charleston, he had to admit he had his own misgivings about this mode of transportation. But if he was a little nervous, he never let on to Jenny. He had to stay strong to keep her calm, lest she get anxious and pour herself a drink while he was asleep.

“So, how long are we going to be in New Orleans?” Jenny asked once they were settled into their cabin.

“A week.” He answered. “Which I know is a lot longer than we were in the other cities, but New Orleans had the largest demand for tickets. The demand is so high, that they’re having to auction them off, even with two shows a day for six days.”

“Holy shit.” She laughed. “That high of a demand to see me. Why? What’s so special about me?”

“Everything, love.” He kissed her and she laid her head on his chest.

*****

Jenny quickly figured out that Phineas hadn’t been exaggerating about her popularity here. There had been crowds greeting them when they arrived in the other cities, but nothing like this. This crowd was bigger than any she’d seen before. She knew she should have been flattered, but all the people and the noise just made her anxious. She forced a smile and waved, but she gripped Phineas’ hand tightly and walked to the carriage as fast as she could.

“It’s alright, sweetheart.” He took her in his arms when they got in the carriage, holding her tightly. “They’re just here to support you.”

“I know.” She breathed, trying to calm down. He planted a kiss in her hair.

“No one is going to hurt you.” He whispered. “I won’t let them.”

“I know.” She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, letting him comfort her. She had just gotten a little overwhelmed. She hadn’t been expecting that crowd. But she would be alright. He was there to protect her.

The next night, during the reception, she was physically and mentally exhausted. She had given two concerts that day and met God only knows how many people. She just wanted to go to the hotel and fall asleep in Phineas’ arms.

She had far too much to drink at the reception. She had never been this drunk in public before. Phineas had told her several times to stop drinking, but she couldn’t. She had to. She kept thinking that if she had one more, she would calm down. And she kept going until she couldn’t think anymore.

By the time they left the reception, Jenny was wasted. Phineas held her hand as they went down the stairs to the door, but she fell down them anyway. She landed at the bottom of the staircase, in front of the door. She tried to get up, but she was frozen to the spot. Phineas came running down the stairs to her.

“Jenny, are you alright?” He asked, kneeling down beside her.

“Y-,” she started to reply, but as soon as she opened her mouth she threw up on the floor in front of her.

After they got cleaned up, Phineas took her back to the hotel to sober her up. As soon as she was aware enough to know what had happened, she felt ashamed. She immediately found herself wishing she had her razor with her. But Phineas had taken it. Instead, she laid in his arms and sobbed.

“God, what have I done?” She cried.

She had made a drunken fool of herself in public. She had revealed to the world what a pitiful mess she really was. She had probably ruined her reputation, as well as Phineas’.

“I’m sorry.” She told him.

“It’s alright, angel.” He replied.

“Stop calling me that.” She protested. “I’ve just ruined both of our reputations in society. I’m no angel.”

“You are an angel.” He wiped her tears. “You may not be perfect. You may have issues. You may have made mistakes. But you’re still an angel. You’re my angel. And I don’t ever want you to forget that.”

*****

To Phineas’ relief, the next few days in New Orleans passed without issue. Nobody ever mentioned Jenny’s incident ah the reception. And they had actually had fun. The people of New Orleans certainly knew how to throw a party. And Phineas and Jenny certainly knew how to have fun at one. But he made sure he kept an eye on how much she was drinking, and he made her listen when he told her to stop. And after some argument, she did.

By the sixth day of concerts, Phineas and Jenny were both exhausted. Before her second concert that night, he took her in his arms offstage. He had made a habit of doing this, although he kept a close eye on his surroundings. He didn’t want the wrong person to see him holding her and run to the press. Not that he ever voiced his concern to Jenny.

“You’ll do great, angel.” He whispered, planting a soft kiss in her hair. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She replied. Then she pulled away and took a deep breath before giving him a smile. That was his signal she was ready for him to introduce her. He smiled back and winked before walking onstage.

After the concert, he took her back to the hotel. They had the next day off, thank God. Phineas knew Jenny desperately needed to rest her voice. And her body. But he wasn’t quite sure he wanted to let her rest either quite yet.

Jenny went to the bathroom to take a bath. He sat down on the couch and picked up a newspaper. But after a few minutes, he got an idea. If she wasn’t comfortable with it, he would leave, but he decided it was worth a shot.

He knocked on the bathroom door.

“May I come in?” He called.

“Um, I guess.” She replied. When he opened the door, she was sitting naked on the edge of the tub, waiting for it to fill. “What exactly do you want?”

“I was just wondering if you might like some help.” He explained suggestively. She didn’t catch on.

“Phineas, I’m 30 years old, I don’t need help bathing.”

“That’s not quite what I meant.” He took off his jacket and knelt down in front of her. He kissed her hard. His lips made their way down her neck and chest. She gasped as one finger swiped her teasingly. “Now I’ll ask you again. Would you like some help?”

“Of course.”

He finished undressing as Jenny turned off the tap. He climbed in the tub and she sat up against him. He washed her body teasingly, rubbing her core every once in a while. A moan escaped her lips. Eventually, he finished washing her and focused on fingering her.

“Phineas,” She moaned.

He loved the way she said his name. He loved the way her body twitched against him as he pleasured her. He loved how she tilted her head to give him easier access when he kissed her neck. And he loved how she leaned against him, breathless, after she came.

He loved her. He knew it was pointless to deny it. And he knew he wouldn’t be able to hide it for much longer. He loved her.

*****

The train from New Orleans left later than their other trains had. But Jenny was alright with that. It gave them more time there. A few more hours to relax.The week had gone fast. She’d had fun, but she was glad none of the other stops on the tour would be this grueling.

Before they left, they went to one last party. One of the wealthy families in town had hosted a farewell party for them at their estate. They drank and danced and talked until they realized they would miss their train if they didn’t leave soon.

On the train, they drank a bottle of champagne from the party that had been given to them as a gift. She was already feeling a bit tipsy, but there was no one in here to see her except Phineas. So her reputation wouldn’t be in danger if she crossed the line from tipsy to drunk.

“I would like to propose a toast.” She said to him, raising her glass. “To Phineas. The most incredible man I have ever met.”

“I would like to propose a toast as well.” He replied with a smile. “To Jenny. My angel.”

After they had taken a drink, he leaned in and kissed her.

“I love you.” She told him.

“I love you too.”

They laughed and talked the whole train ride, and by the time they arrived in Natchez, Mississippi, they had finished the bottle. But Jenny didn’t care if she and Phineas were arriving to their next tour stop drunk. She only cared that they were arriving together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: all of the tour stops in this fanfic are the places they went in real life, according to Wikipedia anyway. So if you wanna learn about what actually happened on the tour, check out the Wikipedia page for Jenny Lind’s American tour. 
> 
> And if you wanna learn about what happens in my fictionalized version of the tour, stay tuned. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter. But I hope you enjoy it! :)

It was very early in the morning when Phineas and Jenny arrived in Natchez, Mississippi. Jenny was glad. Hardly anyone was there to see them stumble off the train, still half-drunk from the night before. They spent most of the day at their hotel, recovering from their hangovers. They only left to rehearse at the theater that evening.

When they got back to the hotel, all Jenny wanted to do was crawl in bed and go to sleep. It was barely eight o’clock, but she was exhausted. And she had to rest up for her concert tomorrow.

“I’m so tired I could pass out on the floor.” She remarked to Phineas, changing into her nightgown.

“Me too.” He replied.

They crawled in bed together and he held her in his arms as she fell asleep. She used to have a hard time sleeping at night. All her secrets and her demons would keep her awake. If she fell asleep, it was because she cried herself to sleep, or passed out drunk or from exhaustion. But since she met Phineas, she found it a lot easier to fall asleep. In his arms, she felt safe. She felt loved. She could sleep knowing that he wouldn’t let any of her demons get to her. He would protect her.

*****

The next night, Phineas stood offstage watching Jenny perform. God, she was beautiful in that gown. But he knew she was even more beautiful out of it. He suddenly found himself in the mood to drag her off stage and make love to her. But he held back. He could fuck her later. Although that seemed years away. She was almost done with her concert, but they still had the reception afterwards before they could get back to the hotel.

As she walked offstage, he grabbed her from behind and pulled her against him. He kissed her neck.

“Phineas,” Jenny gasped in surprise. “What are you doing?”

“I’m just preparing you for what I’m going to do to you later.” He whispered in her ear. Then he let her go. She looked back at him and raised an eyebrow. He winked, then she giggled and walked away.

He started to head out to the lobby where the reception would be held to wait for her while she changed, but then he decided to follow her to her dressing room.

He knocked on the door.

“Don’t come in!” She called frantically.

“Are you sure?” He replied. “It’s me.”

He heard a giggle from the other side.

“Come in.”

He walked in and shut the door quickly behind him. Jenny was naked except for her panties. He smiled.

He crossed the room and kissed her hard. His hands moved down her body and he rubbed her through her panties. She let out a soft moan. He moved her panties aside to finger her. She moaned louder. She started to try and undress him, but he pulled away.

“Not yet.” He winked. Then he walked away, leaving her stunned.

The reception was filled with sexual tension between them. They both struggled to stifle the excitement for what would come later. At one point, they hid in a closet to make out and tease each other a bit.

By the time they got back to their hotel room, neither of them could take it anymore. As soon as they shut the door they started making out. They desperately undressed each other. He couldn’t even make it to the bed. Instead, he bent her over the arm of the couch and fucked her there. She let out a loud moan as he entered her. He reached around and rubbed her from the front while he fucked her from behind.

“Phineas,” she screamed in pleasure. He had never heard her scream like that before, but he loved it.

When they finished, they stood there for a moment, stunned and exhausted.

“Phineas, that was incredible.” She said, turning to face him.

“You’re incredible, love.” He kissed her softly before taking her hand and leading her to bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last sex scene I had come up with and we only have a few stops on the tour left, so the chapters might start getting more serious again. At the very least, the plot will really start moving again. This is the last pure fluff chapter. 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it! I’ll have more soon! :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: self-harm, mild physical and verbal abuse
> 
> I apologize in advance

Three days later, they arrived in Memphis, Tennessee. It was mid-afternoon by the time they got settled into their hotel. Phineas was sitting on the couch reading a newspaper while Jenny took a nap. There was nothing especially interesting in the newspaper, but he didn’t have anything better to do and he didn’t want to wake up Jenny.

Suddenly, he heard a knock at the door. He got up to answer it.

“Good afternoon, Sir,” a young man stood on the other side, holding an envelope. “This is for you.”

“Thank you.” He took the envelope and shut the door quietly. He checked to make sure he hadn’t woken up Jenny before sitting back down and opening the envelope.

It was a letter from Charity.

_Dear Phineas,_

_I haven’t heard anything from you since you left. You’ve been gone several weeks and you haven’t written at all. Caroline and Helen miss you. They desperately want to hear from you. So do I. We’re worried about you, Phin._

_Anyway, I hope you’re having fun on the tour. The girls want to hear all about it. They’re obsessed with Jenny and keep asking me questions about her that I don’t know the answer to. I’m sure you’ve gotten very close with her, being together all day every day. Maybe you could answer some of their questions. They want to know all about her and what she’s like. I’m a little curious myself. She must be quite fascinating, as you seem to have completely forgotten about your wife and children. Please write back to us. We miss you. We love you._

_Your Loving Wife,  
Charity_

Phineas wanted to cry reading the letter. He hadn’t written one word to them. He hadn’t even thought about it. And now she suspected something was going on. Could she possibly already know about him and Jenny? Had someone seen them? Had word gotten back to her somehow?

And she wanted to know about Jenny. What was he supposed to tell her? She was a depressed alcoholic? She had been abused as a child? She was amazing in bed?

He sighed and started writing a letter back. He didn’t know what to say, but he had to reply. It would break her heart if he didn’t.

_Dear Charity,_

_I apologize for not writing you for so long. I’ve been meaning to, but I’ve been so busy on the tour. I’ve missed you and the girls so much._

_I’ve had fun on the tour. We’ve been so many incredible places. I wish you were here with me. I would love to take you to see all the things I’ve seen._

_Jenny is a wonderful young woman. Tell the girls that she’s very kind, smart, and funny, and that she always looks like a princess. I’m sure the girls would love her. You would too. She’s become a good friend._

_I miss you and the girls so much. I love you all. Hug Caroline and Helen for them. I miss singing to them at bedtime. I hope you’re carrying on that tradition. I love you so much, Chairy._

_Your Loving Husband,  
Phineas_

He sighed and put down his pen and paper. He wasn’t sure if that’s what he’d send back to them, but it was something. He’d look at it again later. A reply wouldn’t reach them for awhile anyway. He looked over his shoulder to see Jenny still sleeping peacefully. He decided to join her. He could use a nap himself.

*****

Jenny woke up and looked at the clock. It was four in the afternoon. Phineas was asleep beside her now. She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. He moved a little, but didn’t open his eyes. She let him sleep. They would have to go to rehearsal in an hour, but for now, she decided to just let him be.

She got up and went to the couch. There was a newspaper on the coffee table, but none of the headlines looked that interesting. What interested her were two pieces of paper lying beside the newspaper. They looked like letters. She picked them up.

The first was from Charity. Guilt washed over her as she read it. This poor woman was writing to her husband about how she loved him and missed him while he was cheating on her. And she sounded like she already suspected there was something going on between Phineas and Jenny.

What the hell was she doing? Phineas was a husband and a father. He had a beautiful family that loved him. And she was going to destroy it. She was going to tear this wonderful family apart for what? Her selfish pursuit of a married man?

Then she read the letter Phineas was going to send back to her. If she was upset before, she lost it reading this. He didn’t love her. Of course he didn’t. He loved his wife. And their children. He missed them. He’d rather be with them than with her. She was just a friend. Of course he didn’t really loved her. No matter how much he insisted he did, there was just no way.

Jenny threw the letters down and got up, crying. She knew Phineas had her razor, but where? She opened his luggage and began searching through it. Eventually, she found it in the pocket of a pair of pants. Probably the pants he had been wearing the night he took it. Why had he kept her dirty, bloodstained razor? She had no idea, but she was glad he did. She took it to the bathroom and began cutting herself.

At one point, she looked at herself in the mirror. She hated the woman she saw staring back at her. That woman was an ugly, stupid whore. No one would ever love her. How could they? She was worthless. She didn’t deserve to be loved.

She threw the razor at her reflection, but it didn’t do anything. So she punched the mirror as hard as she could. It shattered, cutting her knuckles. She picked up a few shards of the broken glass and squeezed them in her hands, sobbing as she sank to the floor.

Suddenly, the door opened. It was Phineas.

“Dear God, Jenny what happened?” He asked looking around the bathroom.

She stood up and threw one handful of glass at him, then hit him in the face with the other.

“How could you do this to me?” She screamed. “Why are you doing this to me? You don’t love me. You know what I’ve been through and yet you keep leading me on like this. Why? I know you don’t love me. Stop pretending!”

“What are you talking about, love?” He looked confused. She shoved him against the wall.

“Don’t call me that! I read those letters.” She cried. “You don’t love me. Of course you don’t. You love Charity. You can’t possibly love me! But you keep acting like you do! Why? Why do you want to hurt me like this?”

“Jenny, I don-,”

“Don’t you dare say you don’t want to hurt me.” She snarled, slamming him against the wall again. “I know you do. You’re hurting me to make you feel better about your own pathetic self. Maybe that’s all you care about. Maybe you don’t give a shit about me. Maybe you don’t give a shit about your wife or your daughters. Maybe all you care about is yourself and your career.”

He threw her off him and punched her in the face. Then he threw her into the pile of glass from the mirror. He got on top of her and grabbed the collar of her dress, pulling her up to his face.

“Listen here, you stupid bitch.” He growled. “I do love you. I also happen to love my wife and daughters. But I do fucking love you. Don’t you ever say I only care about myself again. It’s not my fault you’re a needy slut who expects a married man to just abandon his wife and children for her.” He slammed her head into the floor and got up.

Before he left, he turned back around to her.

“Get the fuck up and quit being a psychotic whore. At this rate we’ll be late for the rehearsal.” He glared at her. “And you’re paying for that mirror.”

*****

Phineas felt like an absolute piece of shit. Jenny hadn’t spoken one word to him since their fight in the bathroom. She really hadn’t done anything but cry. He couldn’t blame her. He had really done it this time.

The next day, he mailed off the letter to Charity in the morning. Then he came back to the hotel. Jenny was still asleep in her own bed. He didn’t want to wake her. Well, actually he did. He wanted to wake her up and tell her he was sorry. But he knew it wouldn’t do any good. He didn’t deserve to be forgiven for what he’d done. He’d hurt her. He had put his hands on her. He had called her a bitch, a slut, and a whore. He didn’t mean any of it. He had just lost his temper at her. He loved her, but if she didn’t believe it before, she would never believe it now.

He looked in the bathroom. It was still covered in broken glass and dried blood. He cleaned it up for her. And he decided he’d pay for the broken mirror too.

When he was done, he crawled into her bed. He knew it was a bad idea, but he had to do it. He couldn’t let last night be the end of their relationship. He loved her too much.

He kissed her softly. She woke up, confused.

“Phineas?”

“Jenny, I am so sorry.” He told her. “I know you’re not going to forgive me, and you shouldn’t. But I have to tell you that I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything I said last night. And I certainly never meant to physically harm you.”

“Why wouldn’t I forgive you?” She cuddled up to him.

“What I did was unforgivable. I hit you. I threw you on the floor and slammed your head into the ground. Into broken glass.”

“People have done worse to me.” She remarked sadly.

“Jenny, you deserve to be treated so much better.” He took her hands. He noticed that her arms were still covered in dried blood. And she was still wearing the blood stained dress from the night before.

“No.” She shook her head. “You’re treating me exactly how I deserve to be treated. And everything you said was true. I’m a stupid, psychotic whore. I’m worthless. I deserve what happens to me.”

“That’s not true.” He kissed her. “You know this isn’t a healthy relationship, right?”

“I don’t even think I know what that means.” She replied. “Even with last night, you still treat me better than any boyfriend I’ve had before.”

“I’m so sorry.” He held her tighter and gave her another kiss. “And someday I hope you find someone who will treat you right. You deserve to know what true love is like.”

“Phineas, you’re as close to true love as I’m ever going to get.”

His heart absolutely broke for her. She had no sense of self-worth. She just did not understand that she didn’t deserve to be treated like this.

He desperately wanted to teach her to love herself, but he feared that was impossible. He figured he would just have to continue to love her as best as he could.

*****

That night, after the concert, Phineas met her in her dressing room before the reception. He pulled her into a hug.

“You did amazing.” He told her.

Jenny could tell he was still upset about the night before. She knew deep down that he had been right. She shouldn’t have forgiven him so easily. But she couldn’t help it. What he’d done, in comparison to what other men had done to her, wasn’t that bad. And besides, she had been the one to punch out a mirror and throw glass at him. She had screamed at him first.

He pulled away slightly and lifted her chin to meet his eyes.

“I love you, angel.” He told her softly.

“I love you too.” He kissed her lovingly.

Their relationship was far from perfect, but she knew that he loved her. He still loved her better than anyone had before. And she still loved him, despite the little voice in the back of her mind that told her this could never end well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn’t kidding when I said the fluff chapters were over. Although the next chapter won’t be nearly this intense. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that. Thanks for reading! I’ll have more soon! :)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: self-harm
> 
> Also, fair warning, there is a sex scene right at the beginning. Normally I wouldn't warn this, but it starts at like the second paragraph in and I don't want you to be like "Woah, that escalated quickly." So you've been warned.

Three days later, Phineas sat on the train with Jenny in his arms. They had both moved past the incident with the mirror. Or tried at least. Phineas wasn’t sure he could ever really get over that. But he was certainly trying his best to make it up to her.

 

They were in their own private rail car. So there was no one to see him kiss her. And no one was there to see his hand slide up her skirt. She gasped when he began rubbing her through her panties.

 

She climbed into his lap and rubbed herself against him. He instinctively lifted his hips to meet hers and kissed her again. They moaned into each other’s mouths as they grinded against each other. They kept teasing each other like this until Phineas just couldn’t take it anymore. He had to have her right now.

 

He reached up her dress and pulled down her panties while she took off his pants and underwear. She lowered herself onto him. Their lips met again and they made out as she rode him. He loved how close and intimate this position was. He loved how he could see the pleasure on her beautiful face when he opened his eyes. He loved how she moaned his name into his mouth, and she seemed to love when he moaned hers back.

 

When they finished, she stayed sitting in his lap. She leaned her head against his chest.

 

“I love you.” She told him softly.

 

“I love you too.” He took one of her hands and kissed it, before sadly rubbing the scars from the broken mirror. She sat up a little as his hand ran up the scars on her arm. “I thought you were doing better, love. Why did you start cutting again? Why did you break that mirror? Was it really just the letters?”

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Jenny, y-,”

 

“No.” She cut him off. “I told you I don’t want to talk about it.” He sighed.

 

“Alright.” He kissed her softly on the cheek. She leaned her head back against his chest. “I love you, angel.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

*****

 

Jenny held Phineas’ hand as they stepped off the train in St. Louis, Missouri.

 

“They call this place the Gateway to the West.” She remarked.

 

“They do.” He replied. “But it’s not a gateway for us. This is as far West as we’re going. At least for now.”

 

“What do you mean for now?”

 

“Who knows?” He smiled. “Maybe we’ll go further someday.”

 

“I would like that.” She squeezed his hand.

 

“So would I.”

 

Jenny tried to be happy with Phineas. After all, she loved him. And he treated her so well. But she just couldn’t shake the nagging doubt that he didn’t really love her.

 

She could feel herself slipping into another depression, no matter how hard she tried to fight it. He had gotten her to cut down on her drinking and even stop cutting for awhile. But she had picked up both habits again. After the incident with the mirror, he hadn’t taken her razor again. He had just stormed off and left her crying on the bathroom floor, the razor on the ground next to her.

 

The night of the second concert, Jenny stood in her dressing room before the show. She wanted to cry looking at the pathetic wretch staring back at her. She hated the woman in the mirror. And she hated the girl that the woman in the mirror stared at.

 

Jenny had lost count of the times Phineas had apologized for calling her all those names. For hurting her. But he had been right. She was everything he had said. She was a dumb bitch. And a needy slut. And a psychotic whore. How could she possibly expect him to love her when he had a beautiful, perfect wife at home? How could she possibly expect anyone to love her? She wasn’t worth loving. She didn’t deserve to be loved. She didn’t even deserve to be alive.

 

She put on a fake smile and got through the concert and the reception, but she was miserable. She just wanted to crawl in a bathroom and cry while she slit her wrists. And when she got back to the hotel, that's exactly what she did.

 

Jenny felt sad, angry tears stream down her face as she cut herself. She took a twisted sense of comfort from the pain she was inflicting on herself. From watching the blood drip from her arms onto the floor and counter.

 

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

 

“Jenny,” Phineas called from the other side. “Are you alright in there?”

 

“No.” She called back.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

“No.”

 

“Jenny, please.” He persisted. “I’m worried about you. I know what you’re doing in there.”

 

She sighed and threw the razor down on the counter before opening the door.

 

“Fine.” She swung the door open. “Here I am. I’m the same ugly, psychotic skank that walked in here.”

 

“Jenny, stop.” He walked towards her and took her in his arms, not seeming to care that her blood was now staining his shirt. “You are beautiful. You may have some issues, but you are an incredible woman. You’re my angel. And I love you.”

 

Jenny started crying harder.

 

“Ph-Phineas,” she replied through her tears. “Stop lying to me. I know none of that’s true. No one loves me. I’m not worth loving.”

 

“Love, I need to know why you started cutting again. I need to know why you broke that mirror. I want to help you, but I know there’s something you’re not telling me.”

 

Jenny pulled away from him and turned to look in the mirror.

 

“I broke the mirror for the same reason I started cutting again.” She explained. “I hate myself. I hate that woman that stares back at me in the mirror. She’s a stupid, ugly, whore. And I want to kill her.”

 

“Jenny, you are none of those things.” He turned her chin to look at him. “And I want you to know that. I want you to look in the mirror and see a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful woman staring back at you.”

 

Phineas wiped her tears, then helped her wash and bandage her arms. Then he took her hand and led her out of the bathroom.

 

“Come here, love.” He led her to a full length mirror that stood in the corner of the room. She wasn’t sure what he was doing, but she didn’t question it. “I want you to realize how beautiful you really are.”

 

He stood behind her. He took the pins out of her hair and let it fall around her shoulders.

 

“Your hair is like fire. It looks so breathtaking against your skin. Or when it blows behind you on a windy day.” He ran a hand down her face gently. “And you have such a beautiful face. I know you don’t see it, but it’s true. You’re a gorgeous woman. And your eyes are incredible. Like pools of water.”

 

Jenny didn’t reply. She just stared in the mirror, trying to see all these things in her that he saw. Phineas’ hand moved down her neck and shoulders to take off her robe. Then he slid her slip off, letting it fall to the ground. 

 

“Your body is perfect.” He told her, running his hands along her curves. “I’m in love with every inch of you.” He grabbed her arms. “These scars are like cracks on a porcelain doll. But they don’t make you any less beautiful. They’re battle scars from fighting the many demons you’ve faced. You look like a princess, but you’re a warrior.” He paused. 

 

Jenny teared up at the sweetness of his words, trying to see the beautiful, incredible woman he was describing. His hand moved to her chest.

 

“But this is my favorite part of you.” He told her. “You have a heart of gold. Even after everything you’ve been through, you’re an incredibly kind, intelligent, incredible woman. You’re beautiful inside and out, Jenny. And even if you can’t see it for yourself, know that I do. You’re my angel. And I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if the ending makes it seem like I'm romanticizing self-harm, but please know that is not my intent. Self-harm is a very serious issue and it should never be romanticized or trivialized. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is short

Phineas held Jenny in his arms on the train from St. Louis to Nashville, Tennessee. He had been doing his best to help her out of her depression. He knew there was only so much he could do for her. He couldn’t just magically fix her, as much as he wished he could. He couldn’t fight her demons for her. But he could help her. Or at least try to. 

 

He had taken her razor again, and this time he had thrown it away. He had taken to monitoring her closer. He made sure she wasn’t drinking too much. He made sure she was eating properly and getting enough sleep. He let her cry in his arms when she needed to, and listened to her when she needed to talk about something. He had to admit it took a toll on him. He hadn’t realized when he started the tour that he would end up being her caretaker. But he also hadn’t realized he would fall in love with her. 

 

Jenny fell asleep in his arms. He held her and ran his fingers through her hair as she slept. He noted for the millionth time how beautiful she was. And she looked so peaceful. She didn’t often look this content when she was awake. He silently prayed that someday she would truly find happiness. She deserved it. 

 

“We’re here, love.” He woke her gently a few hours later. She opened her eyes but snuggled closer to him. “We have to get up now.” 

 

“I just want to lay in your arms forever.” 

 

“I would love for you to do that.” He told her. “But we're here now.” She sighed, but took his hand as he helped her up and led her off the train.

 

That night, after dinner and rehearsal, they went to their hotel room. They sat down on the balcony.

 

“Phineas, I love you.” She told him randomly as they looked at the view. His heart skipped a beat as he turned to look at her and saw how she was looking at him.

 

“I love you too.” He replied. She crawled into his lap and kissed him. She pushed him down so he was laying on his back. They made out as they undressed each other desperately. Phineas was amazed how fast she could turn him on. All it took was a look and he came unglued. She was amazing like that. “Maybe we should take this inside.” He suggested. 

 

“Of course.” She giggled. They got up and ran inside, where he pushed her up against the wall and made out with her again as they finished undressing each other. 

 

Suddenly, she pulled away and pushed him away from the wall a bit. 

 

“Jenny, what are you doing?” He asked, confused.

 

“I just wanted to do something a little different.” She ran her hand down his chest. He gasped as her hand went lower. 

 

She reached up nibbled at his earlobe, which elicited a small moan from him. Her lips traveled down his body as she knelt in front of him. She continued to tease him until he just couldn’t take it anymore.

 

“Jenny, please.” He begged. She laughed and finally took him in her mouth.

 

He thought his knees might buckle with from pleasure. She was amazing at this like she was at everything. When he finished, he stood there breathless. 

 

“Jenny, stand up.” He told her. He wanted to reciprocate her little favor. She more than deserved it. “Come here.” 

 

He kissed her and pulled her to the bed. He laid down so she could climb on top of him and helped her position herself so she was sitting on his face. 

 

As soon as his tongue touched her she gasped. He loved doing this to her. He loved the moans she gave as he licked and kissed her. He loved the way she tasted on his tongue. He loved the way she grabbed onto his hair. The way she closed her eyes and threw her head back in pleasure. He loved everything about seeing her like this. About making her like this. 

 

“Phineas,” she moaned as his tongue briefly entered her. At this point, he knew exactly where he needed to lick her and touch her to drive her crazy. And he loved doing it. And even though he knew he shouldn’t, he loved her. 

 

*****

 

Two days later, Jenny woke up naked next to Phineas. It wasn’t unusual for her to wake up naked, but something inside her felt different. She felt off somehow. She quickly realized she was nauseous. She was extremely nauseous. She sat up and immediately gagged. She started to run to the bathroom, but quickly realized she wasn’t going to make it. So she grabbed the chamber pot instead. Thankfully it was empty. She threw up violently. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d thrown up this hard. In fact, she was pretty sure she had never woken up feeling like this before, and she’d woken up with some nasty hangovers. But this felt different. She felt almost like she was sick, but not quite. 

 

“Jenny,” Phineas called suddenly, startling her. “Are you alright?”

 

“Y-,” she started to reply, but threw up again. 

 

“Oh God,” he got up and ran over to her. He knelt down beside her and held her hair back. “Are you getting sick?”

 

“I don’t know.” She sat up, and was relieved when she didn’t throw up again. He touched her cheeks and forehead.

 

“You don’t have a fever.” 

 

“Maybe I just ate something that didn’t settle right.” She shrugged. She was worried, but she didn’t want him to be. She figured he was worried enough about her health without throwing some mysterious stomach illness into the mix. 

 

She felt fairly normal the rest of the day and she made it through the concert and reception just fine, much to her relief. Vomiting on stage would’ve been an embarrassing ending to their time in Nashville. 

 

When they got back to the hotel, Phineas kissed her. 

 

“You sure you’re alright now?” He asked.

 

“Yes.” She told him.

 

“Good.” His hands moved to take off her dress. “Because we’ve made love every night in Nashville, and I figured we might as well finish what we’ve started.” She giggled and started to undo his bow tie. 

 

“I’d love to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm 99.999999% that there will be no more sex scenes. And there will definitely be no more fluff chapters. Because shit's about to get serious. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading!


	17. Chapter 17

The next morning, Phineas woke up to the sound of Jenny vomiting again.

“Are you alright, love?” He asked, getting out of bed to help her.

“I’m f-,” she started to answer, but threw up again. He held her hair back for her.

“Are you sure you aren’t getting sick?” He was starting to worry about her. This was the second morning in a row she had thrown up. Maybe she had some kind of stomach bug. “Should I take you to see a doctor?”

“No.” She shook her head, sitting up. “No. I’m fine. I guess Nashville just doesn’t sit well with me.” She tried to joke, but he could see worry in her eyes. But he didn’t press the matter further.

“Alright.” He helped her off the floor.

They got dressed and packed up their things. It was time for another train ride. This time to Louisville, Kentucky.

The landscape on the train ride was pretty, but the train ride itself didn’t seem to set well with Jenny, and neither the landscape nor anything Phineas said to her seemed to help. She held a bucket the entire ride. She threw up violently twice. The first time she threw up her breakfast, the second time it was just bile. After the second time, she started crying. Then she went into a fit of dry heaving. Phineas had no idea how to help her. He ran a hand down her back and planted kisses in her hair to comfort her, but it didn’t help.

When they got to Louisville, they immediately went to the hotel. When they got to their room, Jenny laid down on the bed while Phineas unpacked their things.

“Phineas,” she called to him as he put some of her clothes in a dresser. “Can you come here?”

“Of course.” He laid down beside her and took her in his arms. She cuddled up to him.

“Maybe I am getting sick.” She murmured.

“Should I take you to a doctor?”

“Not tonight.” She shook her head. “We have the rehearsal and stuff. Maybe I’ll go in the morning.”

“Alright. But you are going to the doctor tomorrow.” He kissed her. “I’m worried about you, love.”

“Don’t be.” She forced a smile. “I’m sure I’m alright.”

She closed her eyes and snuggled tighter against him, trying to seem peaceful. But he had a suspicion that despite her reassurances, she wasn’t alright.

*****

The next morning, Jenny got a carriage to visit the doctor. Phineas had tried to come with her, but she refused. She felt like she needed to do this alone, even though it might have been comforting to have him with her. If it was what she feared it was, she wanted him to hear it from her, not a doctor.

She approached the doctor’s house and knocked on the door. The woman at the hotel desk had told her that the doctor ran his practice out of his home and accepted walk-in appointments. He did house-calls in emergency situations, but it was generally easier to go to him.

A middle-aged woman opened the door.

“Jenny Lind?” Her jaw practically hit the floor. “What on earth are you doing here?”

“I’m here to see Dr. James Harrison.”

“Oh, of course.” She smiled. “Come in.”

The woman led her to a sitting room.

“Dr. Harrison is seeing another patient right now, but he’ll be done soon. My name is Catherine, by the way.”

“Well, it’s lovely to meet you, Catherine.” She sat down and looked around. “Do you work for Dr. Harrison?”

“Not exactly.” Catherine smiled. She sat down next to Jenny. “He’s my husband. But I help him with his practice. I serve as an assistant of sorts. I bring patients in and escort them out. I cook for patients staying overnight. I help him look after them. I don’t know as much about medicine as he does, but I share his passion for helping people.”

“That’s very kind.” Jenny smiled. “A lot of doctor’s offices don’t seem near this welcoming.”

“I know.” She nodded. “A lot of our patients prefer coming here to the actual hospital, even though it’s a little out of the way.”

“The woman at the front desk of my hotel recommended your husband to me.”

“What are you here for?” She asked her. “I hadn’t known you were sick.”

“I seem to have come down with a stomach bug.” She shrugged. “I’m sure I’ll fine.” Jenny wasn’t about to tell her what she really thought was wrong. She didn’t need that rumor getting around. She didn’t trust Catherine not to tell, no matter how sweet she seemed.

“I hope you feel better soon.” She gave her a kind smile. “I better go check on my husband. I’ll see if he’s ready for you yet.”

A few minutes later, Catherine came back downstairs with a young man.

“Have a nice day,” she told him as she walked him to the door. “Get well soon.”

“Thank you.” he replied.

“Dr. Harrison will see you now.” She told Jenny.

Jenny felt nervousness rising inside of her as Catherine led her up the stairs to her husband’s office.

“Miss Jenny Lind.” Dr. Harrison stood up to shake her hand. “My wife warned me you were here. I have tickets to your concert tomorrow, and I was hoping to meet you then. I wasn’t expecting you to walk in my office.”

“Well, I’ll be sure to say ‘hi’ tomorrow.” Jenny promised as she sat down.

“So what brings you all the way out here this morning?”

“I seem to have caught some kind of stomach bug.”

“And what are your symptoms?”

“I’ve been violently throwing up every morning for several days now.” She explained. “And I got sick on the train ride up here too.”

“And you’ve only been throwing up in the mornings?”

“Yes.”

“Have you been doing something different at night?”

“No, I don’t think so.” She shook her head. “At first I thought it might be food poisoning, but it didn’t go away. I thought I might have the flu or something.”

“Have you had a fever? Or any other flu symptoms?”

“No.”

“Does the illness seem to be contagious?”

“No.”

“Well, if there’s no fever, it’s not contagious, and it’s only happening in the mornings, I’m going to say it’s not the flu or any other type of stomach illness.” He told her. “Have you been having any mood swings lately?”

“Perhaps.” She shrugged. Her emotions always seemed to run wild, but she didn’t feel the need to mention that.

“Have you been getting fatigued more easily than usual?”

“Yes.”

“Miss Lind, may I ask you a personal question?”

“Sure.”

“Are you sexually active?”

“Yes.” she admitted shyly.

“And have you missed a period in the last few weeks?”

“I have.” She felt her stomach drop. It seemed her fear was coming true.

“Well, Miss Lind, I can’t say for certain, but it sounds to me like you’re in the early stages of pregnancy.”

*****

Phineas waited anxiously for Jenny to come back from the doctor. When he heard a knock at the door, he ran to open it, hoping it was Jenny. It was.

“Jenny, what did the doctor say?” He asked.

“It’s just a little stomach bug.” She told him. “It’s nothing to worry about. I’ll be fine.”

He wanted to believe her, but he couldn’t quite.

“Did he give you any medicine?” He asked.

“No.” She answered, a little too quickly. “He said it would go away on its own in a few days.”

“Jenny, are you sure that’s what he said?”

“Yes.”

“Sweetheart, please don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying!” She yelled, starting to cry. He sighed and gave up. If she wasn’t telling the truth, he’d figure it out eventually.

For now, he took her in his arms to comfort her.

“It’s alright, love.” He whispered. “I’ll get you through this.”

She held onto him a little tighter. He planted a kiss in her hair and, for awhile, just let her cry into his chest.

The next night, at the reception, they ran into a middle aged couple. Jenny got a nervous look in her eyes as they approached.

“Miss Lind, you gave a wonderful concert tonight.” The woman said to her. She seemed to know Jenny.

“Thank you.”

“Jenny, do you know these people?” He hadn’t realized she knew anyone in Louisville.

“Phineas, this is Dr. James Harrison and his wife, Catherine. This is the doctor I saw yesterday.”

“Pleasure to meet you.” He shook both of their hands. “Thank you for helping Jenny.”

“We were glad to help. And I suppose congratulations are in order.” Dr. Harrison said, in a tone of voice that confused Phineas. Jenny shot him a look. “About the tour, I mean. You’ve been very well received here in Louisville.”

“Yes, thank you.” He replied.

The couple chatted with them awkwardly for a few more minutes, then walked away. Phineas felt unsettled. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of the doctor’s comment. There was definitely something Jenny wasn’t telling him, and he had a few ideas about what it could be. But he knew this wasn’t the time or place to bring it up. He would just have to let her tell him on her own.

*****

After the reception, Jenny held Phineas’ hand as they walked to the carriage. She knew she had to tell him she was pregnant. But how would he take it? Would he hate her? Would he leave her?

In the carriage, Phineas fell asleep while Jenny looked out the window, lost in her own thoughts and worries. She was pregnant. What would she do now? If the public found out, it would be a scandal. A scandal that could ruin them both.

She shook her thoughts away and leaned her head on his shoulder. She felt his head turn to rest against hers. Everything would be alright. The public didn’t need to know she was pregnant. And Phineas would take the news well. He would stay with her and support her and take care of her. He had to. Because he loved her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be out soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: self-harm
> 
> I apologize in advance

Two days later, Phineas held Jenny’s hand as they boarded the train to Cincinnati, Ohio. She seemed to be holding his hand even tighter than usual, and she looked around anxiously. She seemed to be scared of something, but he had no idea what. But he was certain she was lying to him about what the doctor had told her. 

 

When they arrived in Cincinnati, they got in the carriage that would take them to the hotel. She leaned her head on his shoulder and he put his arm around her.  

 

“Phineas, do you really love me?” She asked.

 

“Of course I do.”

 

“Are you sure?” She pressed. “Don’t lie to me. Do you really love me?”

 

“Yes, Jenny.” He planted a soft kiss in her hair and held her closer. “I really do love you. You’re my angel. I love you so much, and nothing will ever change that. I love you.”

 

*****

 

The next afternoon, Jenny sat on the couch with Phineas in their hotel room. She had just finished reading a newspaper article about their tour out loud to Phineas. 

 

“The world at our feet,” she quoted the article. “Well, Phineas, this is,” she poured them each a glass of champagne, “is to making dreams come true.”

 

They toasted their glasses, then he leaned forward and kissed her. 

 

“I’ve given you the world, haven’t I?” She remarked. 

 

“Yes.”

 

“You’ve given me a whole new world. And now, you’re about to give me another one.” She knew it was time to tell him. “A second chance I never thought I would get.” 

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Phineas, I’m pregnant.” His eyes widened in shock. 

 

“You’re kidding me.” He didn’t sound as happy as she’d hoped, but she tried to stay positive.

 

“Yes. Isn’t it wonderful?” He shook his head in disbelief.

 

“I-I should go.” He muttered. “I can’t do this. I-I have a wife and a family at home. I need to leave. I’m sorry, Jenny. You should finish the tour without me.”

 

“So that’s it?” She was stunned by his sudden change of attitude, even though she knew she should’ve expected it.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I’m just another one of your little acts.” She started tearing up. “You never really loved me. You led me on because of the money you’re making off of me. But now that you’ve gotten me pregnant, it’s time for you to run off and pretend none of this ever happened.” 

 

“No, Jenny, it’s not like that.” He defended himself. “You don’t understand.”

 

“I understand perfectly.” She spat back. “I’m done.” 

 

She got up and stormed off towards the door. She didn’t know where she was going, but she had to get out of this hotel room.

 

“Jenny!” He ran after her and stopped her. “I risked everything.”

 

“Well, so did I.” She snapped back. “It looks like we both lost.” 

 

She tried to leave, but he stopped her again. 

 

“Jenny, please. You have to finish the tour.”

 

“Must I?”

 

“It will ruin me.”

 

“When you’re careless with other people, Phineas, you bring ruin upon yourself.” 

 

Jenny ran out of the hotel room and into the street sobbing. How could he do this to her? He told her he loved her. He told her that nothing would ever make him stop loving her. He knew about her past and everything she had been through. He knew about all her issues with depression, and self-harm, and alcoholism. And he took advantage of her anyway. He led her on. He lied to her. He let her believe he really loved her. Just to push her away when he realized he had taken his lie too far. 

 

She should’ve known better. She did know better. She knew there was no one who would ever really love her. But she let herself be fooled by his kiss and his kind words. She let him fool her into thinking he loved her. 

 

The worst part was that she still loved him. She would forgive everything if he came running out of the building after her. If he told her he was sorry and that he would stay. But he didn’t. 

 

Jenny wandered down the street, not sure where she was going. Eventually, she hailed a carriage to take her to the theater. She knew she was much earlier than she needed to be, but she figured she would use the extra time to cry in her dressing room before she had to get ready. Normally she would eat before she went to the theater, but she had lost her appetite. 

 

She spoke to no one when she got to the theater. She just locked herself in her dressing room and bawled for an hour. 

 

Phineas was going to leave her. Because she was pregnant and he couldn’t handle it. She was aware that it would be a scandal, but if he really loved her, he could have handled it. But he didn’t love her. It had all been a lie. And now it felt like the world was crashing down on her shoulders. 

 

If Phineas thought she was going to finish the tour without him, he had another think coming. There was no way in hell she could handle that. Especially when she was pregnant. No way. If he was leaving, so was she. She didn’t know where she would go or what she would do. But she wasn’t finishing this god forsaken tour. She didn’t care if it ruined him. She didn’t care if it ruined her. Because at the end of the day, he made his bed. And she was going to make damn well sure that he laid in it. 

 

Jenny managed to pull herself together by the time of the concert. And she made it through most of the concert just fine. Until she sang Never Enough. Although she’d opened her concert in New York with it, it had become tradition for her to close her concerts with it on the tour. The song had come to mean so much to her. She was the most famous woman in the world, but she was still terribly lonely. All the fortune in the world didn’t mean a thing if she didn’t have anyone to share it with. Phineas had become that person. But she was about to lose him forever. The one person who had truly seemed to love her was leaving her. 

 

She broke down crying when she sang it. She barely made it through the song. She couldn’t even bring herself to sing the last two notes. She just let the music fade to silence. 

 

When Phineas came out to bow with her, the cameras started flashing. When he grabbed her hand onstage, it was the first time he had touched her since the fight at the hotel. 

 

Suddenly, she felt the urge to kiss him one last time. She didn’t care that there were thousands of people watching. She didn’t care that this could ruin them both forever. She was so far beyond caring. So she did it. She pulled him in and kissed him. The cameras went off again. He kissed back, but quickly pulled away.

 

“What was that?” He asked her, shocked.

 

“That was goodbye.” She cried. She turned around and walked away, wondering what the hell she had just done. And what the hell was going to happen to her now. 

 

*****

 

The next morning, Phineas packed his suitcase. He didn’t want to leave Jenny, but he had no choice. He needed to go home to Charity and his daughters. 

 

“Phineas, please don’t leave me.” Jenny begged, sobbing. 

 

“Jenny, please don’t make this harder for me than it already is.”

 

“I just don’t understand.” She cried. “You don’t have to leave. No one needs to know I’m pregnant. I won’t have the baby until long after the tour is over anyway.” 

 

He sighed and finally turned to look at her. The look on her face broke his heart, and what he was about to say wouldn’t make either of them feel better.

 

“Jenny, yesterday when I was sitting in here alone, I almost changed my mind about leaving.” He told her. “I had decided to at least wait a few more days to think about it. But then you kissed me onstage. You might as well have told the audience we were having an affair. If I don’t leave and people find out you’re pregnant, it’s all over. It will ruin me.”

 

“That’s all you care about, isn’t it?” 

 

“Jenny, please try to understand why I’m leaving.” He wanted to take her in his arms, but he knew if he did he would never let go. “Please don’t quit the tour. The people love you. They’re excited to see you. Please promise me you’ll finish the tour. If not for me, than for the people who want to see you.”

 

She sighed. 

 

“Fine.” She agreed. “I’ll finish the tour.” 

 

“Thank you.” 

 

Phineas finished packing his things as Jenny sat on the couch crying. They didn’t say anything else. 

 

When it finally came time for him to leave, he knew he had to say goodbye, even though it would be easier to leave if he didn’t.

 

“Jenny, it’s time for me to go.” He told her, sitting down next to her. “Please promise me that you’ll take care of yourself. And please never forget that you’re my angel. And that I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” She replied. “Phineas, will you kiss me one last time before you go?”

 

He knew he would never want to let go of this kiss, but he couldn’t deny her. He leaned forward and kissed her. He held on as long as he could, but eventually, he forced himself to pull away. 

 

“Goodbye, Jenny.” 

 

“Goodbye, Phineas.” 

 

He forced himself to get off the couch. He stared at her for a moment, just to take in her beauty one last time. Then he walked out the door. 

 

*****

 

Jenny cried for what seemed like hours after Phineas left. When she finally got off the couch, she ran outside and got a carriage to a little shop nearby, where she bought a pocket knife. She’d had nothing to cut herself with since Phineas had thrown her razor away. But he wasn’t here anymore. And he had been the only thing stopping her from hurting herself. 

 

When she got back to the hotel, she stood in front of a full length mirror. It was just like the one in St. Louis. The one Phineas had stood in front of with her and told her how beautiful she was. But now she knew all those words had been lies. She was none of the things he’d told her she was. She wasn’t his angel. And he didn’t love her. Everything he’d ever said to her had been a lie. 

 

These were the thoughts that ran through her mind as she slit her wrists. As she reopened the healing scars on her arms. She almost broke the mirror again, but stopped just short. Instead, she cut deeper into her arms. 

 

Her concert that night was even worse than the night before. She barely got through it. And as she walked off stage crying, she knew she couldn’t finish the tour. She didn’t care what she had promised Phineas. Phineas had promised her he loved her and that he would always stay with her. He had broken his promise. She had every right to break hers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, but this was also inevitable. The tour portion of the story is over, but there is still quite a bit more to come. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Phineas made it back to New York City in time to see Caroline’s ballet recital that night. It felt good to be home with Charity and the girls again, and he knew they were glad to see him. A voice kept nagging at the back of his mind though. Maybe he shouldn’t have left Jenny. He was worried about her, but he pushed the thoughts away. He was focused on enjoying being back with his family.

 

However, as they were leaving the recital, his enjoyment faded and his worries about Jenny disappeared. There was a fire at the circus. 

 

The moment he arrived at the circus, he knew it was going to be a total loss. But for now, his concern wasn’t about the building, but the people inside of it. It appeared everyone had made it out. Except Phillip. He had gone back in to look for Anne, who unbeknownst to him was already outside. Phineas knew he had to go in after him. He couldn’t lose Phillip.

 

He heard his daughters scream in terror as he ran inside, but he didn’t have time to be afraid. He had to save Phillip. It was hard to see through the flames, and he thought the smoke might choke him, but he stumbled his way through the burning building, desperately searching for Phillip.

 

“Phillip!” He called.

 

“Ph-Phineas?” He heard a choked reply in the distance.

 

“Phillip!” 

 

“Wh-where are you?” Phillip called back. He tried to follow the direction of his voice. Eventually he saw him, collapsed on the floor, trying to crawl forward.

 

“Phillip!” He ran towards him and picked him up.

 

“Where’s Anne?” Phillip asked. 

 

“She’s safe, don’t worry.” 

 

“Thank God,” His will to keep going seemed to evaporate now that he wasn’t worried about saving Anne. His eyes shut and his head fell back.

 

Phineas knew he had to get out fast. He knew the building was about to collapse. He made it out just before it did. 

 

They got Phillip onto a stretcher so he could be taken to the hospital. After making sure everyone else was okay, Phineas went home with Charity and his daughters. 

 

He wasn’t sure what he’d expected his first night home to be like, but it sure as hell wasn’t this. It was hard to put the girls to bed. They were both terrified, despite his reassurances that Phillip would be alright.

 

And the silence in his and Charity’s bedroom was deafening. He had no idea what was going to happen now. He had no idea what was going to happen to the circus now. Although since Jenny had promised to finish the tour, he figured he could pull some funds from that to rebuild.

 

“Everything will be okay, Phin.” Charity murmured. “We’ll figure it out. I’m just glad you’re home.”

 

“Me too.” He blew out his lamp and laid down. “Goodnight, Chairy. I love you.” He planted a soft kiss on her lips.

 

“I love you too.”

 

*****

 

The day after Jenny decided to quit, she boarded a train to New York City. From there, she would board a ship back to Europe, but that wouldn’t be until the next day. 

 

Jenny was so used to sitting next to Phineas on the train, it was weird to be riding without him. She felt so alone. She started crying for what seemed like the millionth time in the last three days. She looked the window, trying to find the same beauty in the landscapes as she had when she was with Phineas. But she couldn’t. Instead, all she saw was her stupid, ugly reflection staring back at her. 

 

When she arrived in New York City, she checked into her hotel. It was dinner time, but she still wasn’t hungry. She’d hardly eaten the last few days. She knew she should be eating more, given she was pregnant, but she just had no appetite. 

 

Jenny tried to sit in her hotel room, but it was too lonely without Phineas there. So she took a walk down the street. She found herself stopping at a newspaper stand, something she hardly ever did. But one headline in particular caught her eye. 

 

“Jenny Lind Quits" it read, with a picture of her kissing Phineas onstage. "The Barnum Scandal" read the caption under the picture. She bought the newspaper and went back to her hotel room with it.

 

She read every word of the article. Her kiss had indeed sparked rumors that they were having an affair, and the rumors had been fueled by the news that she was pregnant. Dr. Harrison and his wife had gone to the press. It would indeed be a massive scandal for both of them. She wondered if she should release some kind of statement, or if she should just ignore it. She decided on the latter. 

 

On the next page of the paper, she saw another story that made her stomach drop. Phineas’ circus had burned down the night before. And now that she had quit the tour, he would have no money to rebuild it. She felt awful. She really had ruined him. But then again, he had ruined her.

 

Jenny decided she was tired of thinking about Phineas. So she poured herself a drink, and kept drinking until she was almost too drunk to think about anything. Almost, but not quite. Her thoughts were all muddled, but somewhere floating around in her mind was Phineas. Telling her he loved her then pushing her away. 

 

As much as she tried to forget him, she knew she never would. His memory would haunt her forever. His face, his touch, his kiss, and his voice would be a constant reminder of the love she thought she had found, and the lie it all turned out to be. And the reminder was enough to make her want to keep drinking until she passed out on the floor. So that’s what she did. 

 

*****

 

The next morning, Phineas went out to see what remained of the circus. What he saw confirmed his fear. It was a total loss. There was no fixing this. They would have to rebuild from scratch. He also found out even worse news. He wouldn’t be able to use funds from the tour. Jenny had quit, destroying any kind of profit he could have made from it. And on top of that, the newspaper article had a picture of Jenny kissing him onstage. And revealed that she was pregnant. He really was ruined. 

 

By the time he got home, he had already come up with lies to tell Charity about what had happened with Jenny during the tour. He hoped she would believe him. But when he walked inside, he saw her walking down the stairs with a suitcase. 

 

“Charity,” he called out to her. “Oh, God, Charity, I am-,”

 

“I don’t want to talk to you.” She cut him off.

 

“N-nothing happened. This is ridiculous, it-,”

 

“Nothing happened? It’s on the cover of every paper in New York.”

 

“Because she orchestrated the photo. I’m not in love with her.” His first sentence was true, but he knew the second was a lie.

 

“Of course you’re not.” She retorted. “Not with her, not with me, not with anyone. Just you and your show.”

 

“Where are you going?” 

 

“I’m going home.” She replied, with tears in her eyes.

 

“What do you mean?” He stopped her. “This is your home.”

 

“A notice from the bank.” She cut him off and handed him an envelope. “They’re evicting us. Why didn’t you ask me? I would’ve said yes. I never minded the risk but we always did it together.”

 

Phineas didn’t need to open the letter to know what she was talking about. He had taken out a mortgage on their house to finance the tour. Now that the tour had collapsed and he wouldn’t make any money from the tour, the bank would take the house. 

 

“Charity, I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “I didn’t think the tour would end like that. It would’ve been a success if,” he trailed off, unsure of how to say it without admitting an affair.

 

“If what?” She spat. “If you hadn’t gotten Jenny Lind pregnant?” 

 

“No,” he lied. “That’s not what happened. We were not having an affair, I swear to God we weren’t. She staged that picture onstage of us kissing. We had gotten in an argument and-,”

 

“Phineas, stop.” she cut him off. “I don’t care why she kissed you. If you didn’t have an affair with her, then how did she get pregnant? Who’s the father then, if it isn’t you?”

 

“She’s a whore, Charity.” He blurted out. “Hell if I know who the father is. It could be anyone. She’s a psychotic whore. I told her she needed to clean up her act if she didn’t want to her true self to be exposed to society. She got mad and decided she wanted revenge. So she kissed me onstage.” 

 

He felt awful about dragging Jenny through the mud like this, but he was desperate. He couldn’t lose Charity. 

 

“Phineas,” she sighed. “I need some time away. And I think it’s best if the girls come with me.” 

 

“Will you come back?”

“I don’t know.” She started to cry. “I don’t even know if I can. As much as I hate to say it, I think this might be the end of us.”

 

“Charity, please,”

 

“No.” She shook her head sadly. “Just stop. It’s over, Phineas.”

 

Charity walked out, and Phineas felt his heart break in his chest. Jenny had ruined him. Or had he ruined himself? He didn’t know. All he knew was that his career was over, and so was his marriage. His life was ruined. And for once in his life, he couldn’t dream up a way to come back from this. 

 

*****

 

Jenny felt awful as she boarded the ship the next morning. She was still hungover from the night before. Not to mention the constant worry about her life. Would society in Europe reject her now that she was pregnant out of wedlock? Could she even handle being a mother? Would she be a good mother? Or would she fuck this up like she had everything else in her life? 

 

It would take six weeks to arrive in Sweden. Six weeks for her to regret every decision she’d made in her life. Six weeks for her to dream sadly of what she could have had with Phineas. Six weeks for her to mourn the loss of the only real love she had ever known. Six weeks for her to wonder what would happen to her now. Six weeks for her to dread what European society would say to her when she returned. Six weeks for her to fear what would happen to her after the inevitable rejection that was coming. Six weeks for her to drown her pain by slitting her wrists and drinking herself into oblivion. 

 

When they traveled by ship on the tour, Jenny had Phineas to comfort her and distract her from her misery. But now, the knife in her purse and the bottle on the table were the only things that would make the next six weeks bearable. Ships had always made her nervous, and she still feared the ship sinking, although part of her wished it would. At least then, she would be dead. Even a death as horrible as drowning would be better than suffering through the life she’d destroyed. 

 

She briefly thought about killing herself now. She could go onto the deck and jump into the ocean. She might even die as soon as her body hit the water, if the jump was high enough. She wouldn’t even have to suffer drowning. 

 

But she couldn’t do it. She was exhausted and she’d hardly eaten in days. She didn’t have the energy to walk up to the decks, let alone climb the railing and jump. So instead, she crawled in her bed and closed her eyes, fantasizing about the ending she would someday bring upon herself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are really going to go downhill for Jenny after this chapter, so just mentally prepare yourself. 
> 
> Anyway, I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, actual rape
> 
> I apologize in advance

Over the next several days, Phineas spent a lot of time wallowing in self-pity. He spent a lot of time in the bar he had bought, back when he had more money than he could ever need. A bar he realized he wouldn’t have for much longer. He was basically living in the bar at the moment, but once he could find somewhere else to live, he would have to sell the bar. 

 

He had so many regrets. About how he had treated his family. About how he had treated his friends. About what he had done to Jenny. Poor Jenny. Charity was a strong woman. Even if they never got back together, she would move on. She would be alright. But he wasn’t so sure Jenny would be. And she was pregnant. With his child. And he had no idea where she even was, let alone if she was okay. The guilt was eating him alive. And as much as he tried to drown it in alcohol, it didn’t work. 

 

What had he done? He had hurt Charity, the love of his life. He had lied to her and cheated on her. He had abandoned her and his daughters, to try and impress a society he would never truly be accepted in. He already had a successful career and a wonderful family. Why had he gone and fucked it all up?

 

And in the process, he had taken Jenny Lind, a sweet, beautiful young woman who had already been fucked up enough in her life and fucked her up some more. He had told her he loved her. And he had meant it. He called her his angel because she was. She was an incredible woman and he wanted her to finally realize it. He wanted to protect her from the many demons that haunted her. He really had fallen in love with her. He really did care about her. But when it came down to it, he cared about himself and his own reputation more. So he abandoned her when she needed him most. 

 

Just the thought of Jenny made Phineas want to cry. The poor woman had been hurt enough in her life. Why had he gone and hurt her again? He had tried so hard to protect her and care for her. To love her. But he was just too wrapped up in himself to really do it. 

 

He had fucked up his whole life and everyone around him because he was selfish. Jenny was right. He had brought his ruin upon himself with his own carelessness. And Charity was right. He didn’t really love anyone but himself and his show. Well, he did, but he certainly didn’t know how to act like it.

 

A week had passed since Charity left. Phineas was sitting in the bar, as usual, when, suddenly, the oddities walked in, except for Anne, who he assumed was at the hospital with Phillip. 

 

Until then, he had sat there feeling sorry for himself. But seeing them, and hearing what they had to say to him, motivated him to get off his ass and do something. To his surprise, they didn’t hate him. They wanted to help him. They wanted him to help them. After all, the fire had taken their jobs too. He couldn’t just sit there and let all their lives fall apart because he was wallowing in self-pity. The circus had been their home, and he had to do whatever he could to rebuild it for them.

 

He also needed to talk to Charity. She might be able to survive without him, but he knew he couldn’t do this without her. Despite everything, she was still the love of his life. He still loved her. He just hoped she still loved him. And that she was ready to forgive him. 

 

He got to Charity’s parents’ house as fast as he could, where his daughters told him Charity was at the beach. The beach was cold and the sun was setting as he walked out to her. He stood beside her for a moment, but she didn’t speak to him or even acknowledge that he was there. Finally, he spoke.

 

“I brought hardship on you.” He began. “On our family. You warned me, but I wouldn’t listen. I just, I wanted to be more than I was.”

 

“I never wanted anything but the man I fell in love with.” Charity replied sadly. “But it seems that I’ve lost him. First to his career, then to another woman. And I’m not sure which hurt more.”

 

“Charity, I’m so sorry. But you have to believe me when I say nothing happened between me and Jenny.” He felt guilty for lying to her, but he had to. She would never come back to him if he told her the truth. “She staged that picture and I am not the father of her child. And I will go to the press tomorrow and tell them the true story. I am not going to let that stupid slut ruin our lives, Chairy. I love you, and I promise I will never let anything come between us again.”

 

“I love you too.” She was clearly trying not to cry. “And I believe you. And I forgive you. I should’ve known better than to think you would cheat on me, after everything we’ve been through together. You love me and you love our family, and I’m sorry I doubted you. But please, never leave us again. And stop trying to be someone you’re not.”

 

“I promise.”

 

He pulled her in his arms and kissed her. It felt so good to finally kiss his wife again. She was back in his arms, and he would never let anything come between them again. Not the show. Not his ego. Not another woman. Not anyone. Not anything. He was going to stay by her side forever. Because he loved her, and he knew, despite it all, that she still loved him. And he would never be foolish enough to let her go again. 

 

*****

 

After six long, torturous weeks, Jenny stepped off the ship in Oslo, Norway. From there, she boarded a train to Stockholm, Sweden. As much as she was glad to be off the ship, she dreaded arriving in Stockholm. She would arrive late in the evening, so she would spend that night in a hotel, but the next day, she was visiting her parents. Something she was not looking forward to. In the train station, she purchased a newspaper to read on the train. 

 

On the train, she sat wondering why she had come back? Her parents wouldn’t want to see her. She had no other family that she was close to. She had no real friends. She didn’t even have a home in Sweden anymore. But still, she felt like she needed to see her parents. Maybe they would forgive her. Maybe they would finally accept her. She knew she was setting herself up for disappointment, but she felt like she had to try. It had been years since she’d seen them. Maybe they had changed. Maybe they weren’t abusive assholes anymore. Maybe they were ready to apologize for everything and try to have a good relationship with their only daughter. 

 

Jenny pushed aside her worries and picked up her newspaper. It was boring, until she got to an article about Phineas’ circus. Apparently, the fire and scandal had been news all the way over here. According to the article, the circus had reopened. They were in a tent now, since it was cheaper for them to buy a plot of land than to buy a new building. The first few shows had been a success. It seemed audiences had moved on from the scandal. She was happy for him, until she kept reading. Phineas had managed to move past the scandal by dragging her through the mud. He told the press that she was a whore. He made up a whole grand story to clear his name. She was sleeping around and he told her to stop before people found out. Then she got mad and kissed him onstage to try and ruin him. And he insisted that he wasn’t the father and he had no clue who was. And people had believed him.

 

She threw the newspaper down and cried. If she had been hoping to salvage her career in Europe, those hopes were gone now. Now everyone thought she was some psychotic slut. He had even exposed her alcoholism. He had told the papers that she had serious mental issues. How could he do this to her? The same way he abandoned her when he found out she was pregnant. He could do anything to protect himself and his career. That was all that mattered to him. 

 

And if it was in all the newspapers here, there was no way her parents didn’t know. The realization dashed any hopes she had for a happy reunion with them. They would scream at her and probably hit her a few times before they kicked her out of the house and told her never to come back. 

 

Her life was ruined. She certainly wouldn’t have any friends now. Not even fake ones. No one would want to associate with her again. And she would never get her career back after this. She would be outcast from society forever. The Swedish Nightingale was forced to die in disgrace. And the more that thought repeated itself in her mind, the more dying seemed like her best option. 

 

*****

 

Six weeks had passed since Charity had forgiven Phineas. They had moved into a small apartment with Caroline and Helen. Phillip had thankfully agreed to help Phineas revive the circus with the money he had made off it. He had helped him purchase a plot of land by the docks and a tent. A week ago, they had reopened the circus, and the people were just as excited as ever to see the show. It seemed everyone had moved on from his scandal.

 

Phineas had made Phillip is full partner, and he was eventually going to make him the ringmaster so he could spend time with his family. 

 

They were making money off the circus again, which Phineas was saving to buy back his house eventually. He hoped they could do it soon. Then everything would go back to normal and he could pretend nothing ever happened.

 

Phineas sat in his office with Phillip. For now, they made their office in Phillip’s apartment, where he lived with Anne. Phillip had had to tell the building managers that Anne was his servant in order for her to be able to move in, but at least they got to be together. Phineas could tell that Anne was going to be to Phillip what Charity had been to him. His soulmate. And his strength to carry on when things got tough. 

 

“Are you ready for tonight?” Phineas asked Phillip.

 

“I think so.” He has made a full recovery from the fire, and tonight would be his first night as ringmaster since the circus reopened. They were going to start phasing Phineas out, and in a few months, Phillip would be the main ringmaster. Not that Phineas wouldn’t make occasional appearances, because he most certainly would. But this would give him more time to spend with his family. He wanted to be able to watch his daughters grow up. 

 

“You’ll do great.” Phineas have him a smile. “The crowds love you.”

 

“The last time I was ringmaster, protesters burned down the building.”

 

“Those people would’ve burned it down even if I was there.” He reassured him. “That wasn’t your fault. And besides, those men are in jail now.”

 

“But there have still been protesters.”

 

“A few, yes.” He admitted. “But no one violent. And we have hired security people to escort protesters out if they cause trouble. There’s nothing to worry about.”

  
  


That night, Phineas took Charity and the girls to the circus. They wouldn’t always go, but Phillip had wanted Phineas there for reassurance. Besides, this was his first time seeing Phillip as ringmaster. 

 

The show went off without a hitch and Phillip did a great job as ringmaster. When they got home, Phineas and Charity put Caroline and Helen to bed, before going to their own bedroom. It wasn’t late and neither of them were tired, but Phineas wasn’t planning on going to sleep yet anyway. 

 

Instead, he closed the door behind them and kissed Charity, pushing her against the wall. It had been so long since he had made love with her. As much as he had enjoyed being with Jenny, he had missed his wife’s kiss and soft touch. Charity giggled as he started undressing her. 

 

“I’ve missed this.” She smiled. 

 

“Me too.” He kissed her again, harder this time. 

 

They made their way to the bed as they undressed each other. He laid her down and started to rub her gently. 

 

“Phin,” she moaned as he touched her. She moaned a little louder as his lips moved down to her neck. She gasped when he slid one finger inside her, then another. “Fuck,” she moaned. 

 

Eventually, he moved his hand away. 

 

“What are you doing?” She asked, with a little pout.

 

“Don’t worry about it.” He replied with smile.

 

Charity gasped again when he entered her. 

 

“Phin,” she moaned into his mouth, moving her hips up to meet him.

 

“Charity,” he moaned. He really had missed this. He had missed her. 

 

When they finished, he rolled off her and took her in his arms. For a moment, they laid there in silence, until Charity said something that made his stomach drop.

 

“Phin, something about that felt different.” She told him.

 

“In a good way or a bad way?”

 

“I’m not sure.” She replied. “It just seemed different than the way you used to make love to me.” 

 

“I felt that too.” Phineas knew exactly what she meant, even if she didn’t. He had made love to her the way he made love to Jenny. And even though Charity had seemed to enjoy it, she noticed the difference. 

 

Guilt rose up in him. Not just for cheating on Charity, but for abandoning Jenny. And although they were very different people, they were becoming tangled in his mind. They were two women that he loved very much and had hurt very badly. He could never hold Jenny without thinking of Charity, and now he would never be able to hold Charity without thinking of Jenny. He pushed his thoughts away. Maybe if he pretended none of it ever happened, he could ignore the consequences. But deep down he knew that wasn’t true. No matter how much time passed, the ghost of Jenny Lind would haunt him wherever he went. 

 

*****

 

The next morning, Jenny got a carriage to her parents’ house. She had already thrown up that morning, and she wasn’t sure if it was from morning sickness or anxiety. When the carriage pulled up to the house, she felt dread rise up inside of her. She got out of the carriage and walked up the path to their door. Her parents were far from rich, but they had enough money to live comfortably. Her hands shook as she knocked on the door. 

 

Her mother opened the door with a smile, replaced by a scowl when she saw her. 

 

“Jenny,” she greeted her coldly.

 

“Hello, Mother,” She called her parents Mother and Father. Other people called their parents Mom and Dad or Mama and Papa, but she’d never gotten that close to them. They’d never let her. 

 

“What are you doing here?” She demanded.

 

“I wanted to see you.” She replied shyly. “I was in town and I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

 

“Well you should’ve known better than to come here.” 

 

“Mother, please let me explain.” She begged. “Please let me in.” 

 

Jenny tried to walk in the house, but her mother pushed her back. 

 

“No. Why would we want to see you? Why would you think we would want anything to do with you after what you’ve done? If you hadn’t already brought shame on our family, you certainly have now.”

 

“Mother, please,” tears welled up in her eyes. “All I ever wanted was for you to love me. I just wanted to make you proud.”

 

“Yes, my daughter is the world’s most famous whore, I’m so proud.” She retorted. 

 

“You don’t understand.” She desperately tried to defend herself. “Barnum lied to the papers. I know exactly who the father is. He just lied to try and protect his own reputation, he-,”

 

“I don’t care who the father is.” Her mother spat. “It’s no better for the father to be a married man than a stranger. You’re still pregnant out of wedlock. And you’re still a whore.”

 

“Well, I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Jenny retorted. 

 

At this, her mother dragged her inside and slammed her against the wall. 

 

“How dare you speak to your mother like that?” She slapped her in the face. “Listen here, you stupid slut! I tried to raise you into a decent young woman. And I think I deserve some respect.” She slammed her head into the wall before slapping her again. “Wouldn’t you agree?”

 

“What seems to be the problem here?” A voice suddenly interrupted. It was her father. 

 

“Jenny has come home.” Her mother explained, letting go of her.

 

“I see that.” He replied. “I also see that she still needs to be taught a lesson on respect. I would’ve thought that by her age she would have figured out how to behave herself. But evidently, she has not.” 

 

“Father,” She tried to say something, but she couldn’t.

 

“I think you should come with me.” He ordered. 

 

“I think I should just leave.” Jenny knew what would happen if she went with him.

 

“No, Jenny.” He grabbed her arm. “You’re not leaving yet.”

 

She tried to wriggle out of his grasp, but he dragged her up the stairs to his room. 

 

“Jenny, I haven’t seen you in years. You’ve certainly grown up a lot.” He remarked. “Physically anyway. Behaviorally is clearly another story.”

 

He got closer to her and she instinctively backed away. But he pinned her against the wall. He reached a hand up her skirt.

 

“Father, please don’t.” She tears started streaming down her face. But he ignored her. She winced when he touched her. It was just as horrifying as she remembered. He started undressing her. She struggled to get away from him, but he overpowered her. Once she was naked, he undressed himself and dragged her to the bed. 

 

“No!” She screamed as he threw her on the bed. “Get off me!”

 

“Shut up, you stupid brat!” He punched her in the face. “You don’t get to say no to me.”

 

Jenny screamed in pain as he entered her. She kept trying to scream for help, but help never came. And the more she struggled, the worse it hurt. She screamed and cried until she thought she might choke to death on her own tears, but he wouldn’t stop.

 

When he finished, he got off of her and pushed her off the bed.

 

“Now get the hell out of my house and don’t you ever come back.” He ordered.

 

Jenny put on her clothes as fast as she could and ran out of the house and down the street. She wasn’t quite sure if she was running the right way back to the hotel, but she didn’t care. Eventually, she stopped at a bridge. It was tempting to just jump off of it. To end all her pain and suffering right then. And she almost did it. But then she looked down at her stomach and remembered that she was pregnant. She sighed. She couldn’t kill herself yet. Not while she was pregnant. She decided then that when the baby was born, she would give it up for adoption. Then she would run away and finally end it all. Maybe then, she would finally be at peace. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could've had this up yesterday, but I wasn't emotionally ready to write that last scene yet. That's probably the hardest scene I've ever written. I feel like I should say something else, but I don't know what, so I'm not going to.
> 
> Anyway, I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! (a smiley face doesn't seem appropriate after that chapter)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of sexual assault, depression, self-harm, alcoholism
> 
> Just in case it’s not clear, the first scene is two weeks after the last chapter and the other three are six more weeks after that.

Jenny tried to get help from every connection she had in Europe. But no one wanted anything to do with her. And no one would listen when she tried to tell them Phineas had lied about her. They all thought she was just some stupid whore.

She couldn’t stay any longer. So after just two weeks of being back, she was boarding a ship to New York City. She wasn’t sure she had a better chance of getting help there, but she just couldn’t stand to be in Europe anymore.

She was going to see Phineas. She doubted he would want to see her, but she had to try. He was her last hope at getting help. After all, he loved her. Or at least he claimed to. If he couldn’t be with her, maybe he would at least help her. If not for her than for their child.

Jenny boarded the ship, not looking forward to six more weeks of torture. When she got to her cabin, she didn’t even bother unpacking. Instead, she sat down on the bed and poured herself a drink. She knew the only way she could get through the journey without jumping off the ship was to spend the whole time getting drunk and slitting her wrists. Drinking and cutting. The only ways she knew how to deal with her emotions without Phineas.

But maybe this trip could change that. Maybe he wouldn’t push her away this time. She didn’t know what she’d do if he did. She finished her drink and pushed the thought from her mind. She couldn’t think like that. She couldn’t let herself. Phineas would take her back. He loved her. He was the only person who ever had. He loved her and when he saw her, he would tell her that. And this time, he wouldn’t leave her.

*****

Eight weeks went by, and every week, Phineas was able to spend more time with his family. Phillip was taking over more and more responsibilities every day. He was confident that the circus would be in good hands when he handed over the role of ringmaster. With his profits from the circus and a little help from Phillip, he had already been able to buy back his house.

Charity seemed to have completely moved on from the tour and everything that had happened with Jenny. She believed his lie that nothing had happened between him and Jenny. They were happy again. It almost felt like nothing ever happened. Almost.

As much as he tried to pretend the tour never happened, a part of him couldn’t. The thought of Jenny followed him around everywhere, despite his best efforts to push it away. Every time he saw a woman with red hair or blue eyes, he thought of her. Every time he saw New England Asters, he thought of her and how much she liked them. Even hearing birds sing reminded him of her. She was the Swedish Nightingale. And she was his angel.

Once in awhile, Caroline and Helen would sing Never Enough. They weren’t old enough to understand the scandal or anything that had happened. They simply admired her and thought her song was pretty. But everytime they sang it, he was transported back to the theatre, watching her sing it. He felt a million emotions. Love. Sadness. Guilt. God, he felt guilty. He had abandoned her when she needed him most, then dragged her through the mud to clear his own name. Because he never stopped to think about the consequences his actions had on other people.

“When you’re careless with other people, Phineas, you bring ruin upon yourself.” Jenny’s words played in his mind every night when he tried to sleep. And when he closed his eyes, he saw the hurt on her face. She had been right. But he hadn’t let his carelessness ruin himself. Instead, he let it ruin Jenny.

He wondered where she was. What was she doing? Was she alright? Part of him wanted to see her again. But he knew he would only make things worse. He would only hurt her again. It was best like this. For him to stay far away from her and pretend she never existed. And if he couldn’t pretend she never existed, at least he could stay far away from her.

*****

Jenny spent spent most of her time on the ship at least slightly intoxicated. And whenever she got overwhelmed or upset, which was often, she cut herself. She started cutting her legs as well when she ran out of room on her arms.

After six long, unbearable weeks, she stepped off the ship in New York City. It was mid-morning, and although the docks were busy, no one seemed to notice her. She figured that meant the scandal had subsided. The American public had moved on. Maybe she could too.

She kept looking down at her stomach. She was visibly pregnant now. She wasn’t obviously pregnant yet, but there was a small bump there. A small bump holding her child. Phineas’s child.

She ate lunch at a small restaurant before getting a carriage to Phineas’s house. She hoped he was home. She hoped he would want to see her. She didn’t know what she would do if he pushed her away again. She had no one else.

Jenny felt like she might vomit as she knocked on the door. She felt like she definitely would vomit when the door opened. But she didn’t. Instead, she stood there, looking into the confused face of Charity Barnum.

“Jenny, what are you doing here?” Charity asked.

“I would like to see Phineas.” She replied, tears already welling up in her eyes. Charity still looked confused, but turned around.

“Phineas, there’s someone here to see you!” She called.

“Coming!” He called back. Jenny’s heart skipped a beat when she heard his voice.

“Come in.” Charity told her, turning back around.

She stepped inside the house nervously. She could see him coming down the stairs. He stopped in his tracks when he saw her. “Jenny. What are you doing here?”

“Phineas,” she started to cry. “We need to talk. You have to help me.”

“Haven’t you ruined my life enough?” He replied coldly.

“I ruined your life?” She stepped forward to meet him. “You’re the one who lied to the press about me. You’re the reason no one in Europe wants anything to do with me. You’re the reason my career is over. You ruined my life. All I’m asking is for you to help me fix it.”

“I’m sorry, Jenny.” He shook his head. “I can’t do that.”

“Phineas, you are the only person who has ever loved me.” She could see Charity out of the corner of her eye. She knew what she was about to say would upset her. But she needed to say this. “I spent most of my life thinking that no one could ever love me. You gave me hope that someone could love me. You made me feel like I was worth loving. You told me that I was beautiful and incredible. You called me your angel. You told me you loved me. But it was all a lie. You never loved me. You just used me to make money.”

“I’m sorry.” He muttered, not meeting her eyes. She turned to look at Charity, who was starting to cry. Jenny realized that she was not the only one Phineas had hurt. She also realized that Charity didn’t know what had really happened on the tour. She believed that lie Phineas told the press. Jenny decided it was time for her to know the truth.

“How much does Charity know?” She questioned. “What did you tell her?”

“I told her the same thing I told the papers.” He confessed.

“You don’t think she deserves to know the truth?” Jenny asked.

“Phineas, what is the truth?” Charity asked.

“I slept with Jenny.” Phineas admitted. “I’m ashamed of it, but I did.”

“Is her baby yours?”

“Yes. It is.”

Tears streamed down Charity’s face. But Jenny was even more devastated. He was ashamed that he slept with her. He was ashamed that he had even pretended to love her. Of course he was. Who wouldn’t be. She was just an ugly, stupid wretch. No one would want to love her.

“Why did you lie to me?” She broke down. “Why did you tell me you love me if you don’t?”

“Jenny, I do love you.” He took her hand. “I just can’t be with you. And I’m sorry that I hurt you. But things had gone too far and I had to leave. And I’m sorry I lied to the press. I’m sorry I dragged you through the mud. But I was just trying to protect myself. I should’ve just told the truth.”

“I’m willing to forgive you for all of that.” She replied. “Just please help me.”

“I can’t help you.” He shook his head.

“You said you loved me.”

“I do.”

“Then prove it.”

“Jenny, I-,” she cut him off with a kiss.

At first, he kissed back. They held onto the kiss for a few moments, but suddenly, he pushed her away.

“No.” He shook his head. “I love you. But I can’t help you. And I can’t be in your life. Get out of my house.”

He started backing her towards the door, but she stopped him.

“Phineas, if you won’t help me, at least help our child.” She begged. It was her last hope.

“Why bother?” He replied coldly. “You’ll just kill it like you did your last one.”

Jenny was stunned by the cruelty of his remark. She had told him her darkest secret and now he was using it against her. How could he say he loved her, then turn around and do that? She shook her head. It was pointless to come here. She should’ve known better. She turned ran out the door sobbing.

*****

As soon as Jenny ran out the door, a wave of guilt and regret washed over Phineas. There was no real reason he couldn’t have helped her. It might have put his reputation at risk again, but he would’ve gotten over it. It would’ve been worth it. He could’ve made sure she was okay. Helped her get some kind of career back. At the very least, he could’ve helped her raise her child. Their child. But instead, he pushed her away.

Charity ran up the stairs crying. He ran after her.

“Charity,” he called. She tried to close the bedroom door on him, but he stopped her. “Charity, please listen to me.”

“I don’t want to listen to you.” She spat.

“Please, you have to lis-,”

“Why should I listen to you when all you do is tell me lies?” She cut him off. “You told me nothing happened between you and Jenny. You told me you didn’t know who the father was. Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”

“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “I-I knew the truth could ruin me. I knew all the truth would do is upset you.”

“Of course it would have upset me. It does upset me. But I would have forgiven you.” She sighed. “I can even forgive you lying to me about it. But I’m not sure I can forgive you ruining that poor girl’s life to save your own reputation. And I’m not sure I can forgive you pushing her away and abandoning her knowing she’s pregnant with your child.”

“I know I shouldn’t have pushed her away.” He replied. “I should never have abandoned her to begin with. I don’t know why I did.”

“Do you love her?” Charity asked softly, almost as if she was afraid to hear the answer.

“I do.” He confessed. “I’m ashamed to admit it, but I fell in love with her.”

“Do you love her more than me?”

“I don’t know.” He sighed. “I don’t even know if I love her in the same way as you. I just know that I love her.”

Phineas sat down on the bed and buried his head in his hands as he started to cry. To his surprise, Charity sat down next to him and ran a comforting hand down his back. They didn’t say anything else for awhile.

That night, Phineas laid in bed next to Charity, but she felt far away. She insisted she had forgiven him, but he wasn’t sure that was true. They laid in silence for what felt like hours, but eventually, Charity spoke.

“Phin, I kept wondering what was different about the way you’ve made love to me since you came back.” She began. “I finally figured it out. You used to make love to me like I was your wife. Now you make love to me like I’m your mistress.”

He sighed, knowing it was true, even though he didn’t like to think of Jenny as his mistress. She meant so much more to him than that. But he could never explain that to Charity.

“I’m so sorry.” He replied. He didn’t know what else to say.

“Were you already in love with her when you left?” She asked after a moment.

“I don’t know.” He sighed. “If I was I didn’t realize it yet.”

He knew the knowledge that he had fallen in love with another woman hurt Charity. She deserved an explanation.

“Charity, she needed me.” He began. “She’s been through so much. She has so many demons and she has no clue how to fight them by herself. She was born out of wedlock, and her parents hated her because of it. They were extremely abusive and her father molested her. When she was 16 she got her first boyfriend, who turned out to be very abusive. He beat her and raped her. He left her and convinced her that she was worthless and that no one would ever love her. She has no idea how to deal with her issues. So she drinks and cuts herself.”

“Oh God,” Charity breathed. “That’s awful.”

“It gets worse. Three years ago she got pregnant out of wedlock.” He explained. “She didn’t know how to deal with the stress so she dealt with it like she did everything. And she drank until she miscarried. She didn’t mean to, but she did. And before she left today, I threw that back in her face. I told her she would kill this baby just like she did her last.”

“Oh my God, Phineas, how could you?”

“I don’t know.” He started to cry. “I already feel guilty. As if I didn’t feel guilty enough already. I’ve felt guilty since we were in Washington. A man sexually assaulted her in a closet at the reception. She tried to tell me what happened but I wouldn’t listen. I made her stay because the president was there. She forgave me, but I never forgave myself. After that night, I promised myself that I would protect her. That I wouldn’t let anyone else hurt her. But I couldn’t keep that promise. And I hurt her.”

“Phin, find her and apologize.” Charity suggested. “She’ll forgive you. I saw the way she looked at you. She loves you.”

“No. I can’t. I tried to love her. But all I did was hurt her. She’ll be better off without me in her life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m thinking of doing a modern AU after I finish this one. It would probably be two or three stories in a series. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, mentions of self-harm
> 
> This one’s a little short, but it’s not as dark as the last few chapters have been. We all need a break from that :)

The next week, Phineas performed his last show as ringmaster. Not that he wouldn’t come back and do it every once in awhile or keep his hand in the show. He loved it too much to give it up completely, but it was time to step away. He’d miss the circus, but he knew it was best if his focus was on his wife and children. Caroline and Helen were growing up fast and he didn’t want to miss it. Besides, after what happened with Jenny, he knew he couldn’t put his marriage at risk again.

As they finished the last musical number, Phineas felt tears well up in his eyes. He almost couldn’t believe he was really stepping aside. But it was time. Phillip was ready to take over. And he was ready to focus on his personal life.

After the show, Phineas got in the carriage with Charity, Caroline, and Helen.

“You did great, Daddy!” Caroline told him, excitedly.

“Thank you.”

“Are you really leaving the circus?” Helen asked.

“For the most part.” He explained. “I’ll still work there, but Phillip will be the ringmaster.”

“Phillip will do great too.” Caroline remarked.

“Yes, he will.” He agreed.

“I’ll miss seeing you perform.” Helen said.

“We all will.” Charity replied. “But this will be for the best.”

“Yes. I’ll get to spend a lot more time with you girls now.”

When they got home, he and Charity put the girls to bed before going to their own bedroom. He closed the door behind him and leaned down to kiss her. The kiss quickly grew deeper and more passionate and they undressed each other as they made their way to the bed. He laid her down and made love to her. Like she was his wife, not his mistress.

Despite his best efforts, Jenny still crept into his mind. He almost moaned her name instead of Charity’s. But he didn’t, and she didn’t notice. When they finished, he rolled off her and took her in his arms.

“I love you so much.” He told her.

“I love you too.”

Even as he laid there trying to fall asleep, Jenny stayed in his mind. It was probably because of the guilt. He prayed she was alright. She would be alright, wouldn’t she? He had to believe so. He would never forgive himself if something happened to her.

He pushed the thoughts away. He had made his decision, and there was nothing he could do about it now.

“Goodnight, Charity.” He whispered. “I love you.”

“Goodnight, Phin.” She kissed him. “I love you too.”

*****

After Jenny left Phineas’s house, she spent a couple nights in a hotel room before she could get an apartment. She had decided to stay in New York City. She didn’t have anyone here, but at least she was away from the scrutiny of European society.

She had enough money to last her until the baby was born, so she wasn’t worried about finding a job, especially since she planned on killing herself after the baby was born anyway. Her apartment was nothing fancy, but it was nice enough. And it was away from the upper class. Away from the judgemental eyes of high society, who would look down their nose at her.

Jenny was incredibly lonely. She had no one now. She desperately missed Phineas’s loving kiss and soft touch. His sweet words and his comforting embrace. Without him, she had no one to comfort her but a bottle of alcohol, and no one to help her handle her emotions but a knife.

She normally only left her apartment when she needed to, but one night, she decided to go to the circus. The night before had been Phineas’s last night as ringmaster, but she was partly relieved that she wouldn’t have to look at his face the whole time and be reminded of how she ruined his life. Or how he ruined hers.

She managed to keep her thoughts of Phineas at bay and enjoy the show. She actually had a fun time. She understood why this show had been such a success. It was incredible.

After the show, she sought out Phillip Carlyle. She hadn’t seen him since they met at Buckingham Palace. But something about him drew her towards him.

She waited nervously at the end of the line of people leaving. When she finally approached him, she wasn’t quite sure what to say.

“You’re Phillip Carlyle, right?” She asked, even though she already knew the answer.

“I am.” He smiled.

“It was a wonderful show.” She complimented. “And it was nice to see you again.”

His brows furrowed in confusion at first. Then his face lit up in realization.

“Jenny?” She nodded. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see the show.” She explained. “I moved to New York City.”

“Why?” He asked. “I assumed you went back to Sweden after the tour.”

“I did, but I couldn’t stay there. So I came back.”

“What happened?”

“Is there somewhere more private we can talk?” There was still a small crowd of people hanging around the tent, and she didn’t want to draw attention to herself.

“Why don’t you come back to my place once we finish up here?” He suggested.

“Sure.” He was so kind to her. She wasn’t sure why. She had never done anything to help him. She had only met him once. She assumed he would hate her because of what Phineas told everyone.

“Why don’t you come backstage with us?” He offered. “I’m sure the others would love to meet you. They didn’t get to at your concert.”

“I hadn’t even realized they were there.”

“Phineas invited them, but he wouldn’t let them meet you. He tried to keep them hidden.”

“Sounds like him.” She remarked. “He cares more about his own reputation than the people around him. And he acts with no regard for how his actions might hurt others.”

“I don’t know if I’d go that far.” Phillip seemed taken aback.

“I guess you don’t know him quite the same way I do.”

“I guess not.” He looked like he wanted to ask questions, but he didn’t. “Come on. I’ll show you to the dressing rooms.”

Phillip led her outside of the main tent and to another one. It was separated by a curtain, with the men changing on one side and the women on the other. She was hesitant to enter at first, but almost everyone had already changed.

“Come on,” he motioned for her to follow him. “Let’s go find Anne, then we can leave.”

“Who’s Anne?” She asked.

“My girlfriend.”

“Oh, she’s the one you kissed at the end of the show, right?”

“Yes.”

“You make a cute couple.” She remarked.

“Thanks.” He smiled. “I love her. Although it’s certainly caused a bit of scandal.” She gave a small laugh.

“You think an interracial relationship causes scandal, try having an affair with a married man and getting pregnant out of wedlock. That’s a career ending scandal.” She smiled back. Phillip stopped in his tracks.

“The baby is Phineas’s?” He looked stunned.

“Do all of you unquestioningly believe everything Phineas tells you?” Phillip didn’t reply. Jenny sighed. “Sorry. It’s alright. I used to too.”

As they kept walking, some of the girls started to notice her. One of them, the bearded lady, approached her as Phillip went to meet Anne.

“Are you Jenny Lind?” She asked.

“I am.” She smiled. 

“I’m Lettie Lutz.” She introduced herself. She shook Jenny’s hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. You’re an incredible singer.”

“So are you.” Jenny returned the compliment, placing her hand on top of Lettie’s. “I cried when you sang This is Me. It’s such a beautiful, emotional song. And I can relate to the lyrics more than I care to admit.”

As if on cue, Lettie looked down and noticed the scars on Jenny’s arm. Her brows furrowed in concern.

“Miss Lind, did you do this to yourself?” She asked, eyes widened.

“Call me Jenny.” She suddenly couldn’t meet Lettie’s eyes. “And yes. I did.”

“I used to cut myself too.” She confessed. “But then I found the circus. And I realized I didn’t need to. And you don’t need to either.”

“How would you like to come back to Phillip’s place with Anne and me?” She offered. She quickly realized she hadn’t asked Phillip, but she hoped he wouldn’t mind.

“I would love that.”

Phillip agreed to Lettie coming back with them. The four of them left and got a carriage to Phillip’s apartment.

Jenny noticed that Phillip’s apartment was quite a bit nicer than her own. Not that it mattered. She wouldn’t need an apartment much longer anyway.

The four of them sat down in the sitting room. Anne sat down next to Phillip on the couch, while Jenny and Lettie sat in chairs across from them.

“You live here together?” Jenny asked.

“Yes. I had to tell the building manager that Anne was my servant in order for her to move in, but we do live together.” He explained. “It hurts that I can’t tell anyone she’s really my girlfriend, but at least I get to be with her.”

Anne took his hand and leaned her head on his shoulder. Jenny smiled, but she felt a twinge of jealousy. Anne and Phillip didn’t have it easy, and they never would, but at least they had each other. She had no one.

“I know it can’t be easy for you, but you’re still lucky.” She told them. “You get to be loved.”

“You’ll find someone who loves you.” Lettie told her.

“I thought I did.” She replied sadly. “He said he loved me. But he was married. And he left me.”

“Wait a minute, did something really happen between you and Mr. Barnum?” Lettie asked. Jenny nodded.

“Jenny, what exactly happened?” Phillip asked.

“When we went on that tour, we quickly discovered that we had a connection.” She explained. “I understood him in a way that his wife couldn’t. She has never had to deal with the upper class as an outsider. But Phineas and I both have. The connection grew deeper pretty fast. We started developing feelings for each other and those feelings eventually grew into a real relationship. Or at least, what I thought was a real relationship. I trusted him. And I told him all the dark secrets from my past and all the shit I’ve been through. Shit I don’t really want to go into now. Until I met him, I dealt with my emotions by drinking and cutting myself. He got me to stop. He really had me convinced that he loved me. That I might actually be worth something. But then I got pregnant. And he left.”

“So the baby is Mr. Barnum’s?” Anne asked. “He lied to the papers? To all of us?”

“I mean, it makes sense that he would lie about that to protect his reputation.” Lettie remarked. “And it’s not completely out of character. I am sorry he led you on, though.”

“So what are you going to do now?” Phillip asked.

“To be perfectly honest, I’m probably going to give the baby up for adoption.” She sighed, wondering if she should even tell them her whole plan. “Then,” she wanted to tell them, but she wasn’t sure how to say it.

“Then what?” Phillip prodded. Jenny took a deep breath before speaking.

“Then I’m going to kill myself.” All three of them stared at her in shock. “I have nothing to live for. I have no one. My life isn’t worth living. So what’s the point?”

“Jenny, you do not have to do this.” Phillip got up and walked over to her. He knelt down in front of her. “I will help you. I’ll be there for you, whatever you need.”

“You will?” She hadn’t expected that. He hardly knew her.

“Of course.”

“So will I.” Anne chimed in.

“I’ll be here for you too, Jenny.” Lettie told her.

“Thank you all, so much.” Jenny broke down crying.

For the first time in weeks, she felt a glimmer of hope. There were people who would be there for her. Maybe she could finally find true friends in them. Maybe she didn’t have to kill herself. Maybe she would be alright.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of self-harm, abuse, rape

Phineas could tell something was wrong. Or at the very least weird. Something was going on. 

 

A week had passed since Phineas’s last show as ringmaster. He was back at the office for the first time since. Phillip was trying to pretend nothing was wrong, but something clearly was. He could tell by the way Phillip looked at him. It was almost like there was something he wanted to say to him, but he wouldn’t say it. 

 

“Phillip, is everything alright?” He finally asked after what felt like the millionth side eye glare from Phillip. 

 

“Of course.” He looked back down at whatever papers he was pretending to go through.

 

“Are you sure?” Phineas pressed. “Because you’re acting like there’s some kind of problem. Is there something going on that I should know about?”

 

“No. There’s no problem.” Phillip insisted. 

 

“Are you positive? Because you keep giving me weird looks and you won’t even look me in the eyes when you talk to me. Did I do something?”

 

“Yes.” He snapped, suddenly looking up at him. Then he sighed and shook his head. “No. No, you didn’t do anything.”

 

“What is going on?”

 

“Nothing.” Phillip shrugged. “I just got in an argument with Anne last night. I’m sorry.”

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“No.” He looked back down at his papers. “I think I’ll pass on relationship advice from you.”

 

Phineas gave up. He got the feeling the story about Anne was a lie. But whatever was going on, Phillip wasn’t going to talk about it. He just hoped it had nothing to do with him.

 

He tried to go back to his work, but he couldn’t stop the nagging fear in his mind. Did Phillip know the truth about what happened with Jenny? No. How could he? Who could have told him? Charity wouldn’t have told him. And it’s not like he was friends with Jenny. He only even met her a couple of times. No. He decided there was no way Phillip knew. There was no way he could. 

 

He pushed his thoughts away and focused on his work.

 

*****

 

Jenny sat in her apartment with Phillip, Anne, and Lettie. They had agreed for at least one of them to check in on her everyday. And if there was anything she needed, all she had to do was ask. It felt good to have a support system. To have real friends. 

 

They had offered to talk to Phineas for her, but she refused. She didn’t even want Phineas to know she was talking to them. As much as she wanted to be with him, she had decided it would be best to keep her distance. 

 

She sat on the couch next to Lettie, while Phillip and Anne were cuddled up across from them. She wore a long sleeved dress to cover her bandaged arms. She had been cutting before they came. As good as it was to have them around, she couldn’t fight all her demons with people she’d known for a week.

 

Phillip had come from the office where he had been with Phineas all day. There was obviously something on his mind. 

 

“Jenny, are you sure you don’t want me to confront Phineas?” Phillip asked. “It’s hard to pretend I don’t know. And it’s hard to be around him knowing what he put you through.”

 

“Trust me, people have put me through much worse.” She shook her head. “Please don’t tell him.”

 

No one replied. They just looked at her with the same expression of pity on their faces. She suddenly felt herself wanting to tell them everything. She braced herself for the pain that would inevitably come. It always hurt to talk about it. But they deserved to know. 

 

“I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but I was born out of wedlock.” She began. “That brought shame on my family. And my parents hated me because of it. Nothing I did was good enough for them. And everything that went wrong was my fault. They were always mad at me. And when they got mad, they screamed at me. And beat me. My mother would starve me for days at a time. When I was seven, my father started molesting me. I tried to tell my mother what was going on, but she didn’t believe me. She would accuse me of lying, then beat me.”

 

“Oh God, Jenny that’s horrifying.” Lettie took Jenny’s hand in hers. “My parents were ashamed of me, and they didn’t exactly treat me well, but they weren’t physically abusive.”

 

“Mine were.” Phillip chimed in, sadly. “I tried so hard to make them proud. I tried so hard to make them love me. But at the end of the day, I just didn’t fit into their world. So they beat me. Eventually, I stopped trying to make them proud. I started doing things just to spite them. I made myself into a scandal just to embarrass them. They’ve all but disowned me.”

 

“I think my relationship with my father is part of the reason I’ve never been in a good relationship.” Jenny had never really met someone who could relate to her experience of having abusive parents. In a weird way, it felt comforting to know she wasn't alone. So she kept opening up. “I got my first boyfriend when I was 16. At first, I thought he was wonderful. But then he started screaming at me and beating me. One night, after about a year, he raped me. He used to be respectful when I said no, but he stopped taking no for an answer. He convinced me I was worthless. That I didn’t deserve love. That he was as good as I’d ever get. Then out of the blue, after about two years of dating, he dumped me. I’ve had a few other boyfriends, but none of them treated me much better.”

 

Jenny started to cry. Lettie pulled her closer and wrapped an arm around her comfortingly. 

 

“I turned to drinking and cutting to deal with the pain.” Jenny continued. “I couldn’t find real love, but I had a lot of one-night stands. About three years ago, I got pregnant. I was panicked, and I drank to calm my nerves. But one night, I drank a little too much. And I miscarried.”

 

“I’m so sorry.” Anne told her. 

 

“After that happened, I tried to kill myself. Obviously I didn’t succeed.” She sighed. “Phineas finally made me feel like I was worth something. I thought he loved me.”

 

“Did he know everything?” Phillip asked.

 

“Everything.” Jenny nodded. “When he first left, I went back to Sweden. But it didn’t go well. No one wanted anything to do with me. And when I visited my parents, my mother screamed at me and hit me. Then my father took me up to his bedroom and raped me. I couldn’t stay there. So I came back here. When I got back, the first thing I did was go to Phineas’s house. I thought he might help me. But he just pushed me away again. I tried to get him to help me for the sake of our child. But he told me it didn’t matter if he helped me because I would just kill this child like I did my last.”

 

“I-I, I don’t even know what to say.” Phillip looked stunned. All three of them did. “How could he do that to you?”

 

“I ask myself the same question every day.”

 

They sat and talked for awhile more. Phillip tried to convince Jenny to let him confront Phineas, but she wouldn’t let him. The conversation moved to the others’ lives. She found out that Anne’s mother died when she was very young and she never knew her father. Her older brother, W.D., had practically raised her. Jenny had only met W.D. once, very briefly, but he seemed like a wonderful man. 

 

After about an hour, Phillip and Anne left, but Lettie stayed behind.

 

“Jenny, I didn’t want to say this in front of Phillip and Anne.” She told her. “I just didn’t feel comfortable sharing it. I’ve never told anyone this before. But I had an abusive boyfriend too. He was actually the only boyfriend I’ve ever had. But he beat me and raped me. He actually got me pregnant, but he beat me until I miscarried.”

 

“Oh, God, Lettie, I’m so sorry. That’s awful.” 

 

Lettie started to cry, and Jenny started to cry too. And for awhile, they just sat in each other’s arms and cried. And it felt cathartic. It felt good to finally cry with someone who understood exactly why she was crying.

 

*****

 

Six months passed. It was July 3, 1851. And it was Caroline’s eleventh birthday. Phineas and Charity were throwing a party to celebrate. They invited all of her friends from ballet class, as well as some of his friends from the circus. 

 

Phillip, Anne, and Lettie arrived together. All three of them had acted distant over the last few months, and no one would tell him why. But he was glad they came. Caroline and Helen loved them, especially Phillip. 

 

Phineas sat on the couch next to Charity while some of the oddities did a performance for the girls. He took her hand and she smiled at him. Everything felt so normal. Everything felt right with the world. In moments like these, he could almost forget he ever met Jenny.

 

Almost, but not quite. He could never completely forget her. He could never forget the way her red hair flowed behind her in the wind like flames. The way her eyes shined like blue pools in the sunlight. The way she could sing loud enough to fill a whole concert hall. The way she could speak softly enough for only him to hear her. The way her lips felt when he kissed her. The way she moaned his name when he made love to her. The way it felt to hold her in his arms while she slept. The way his heart soared when she told him she loved him. The way she smiled when he told her he loved her. 

 

He could never forget her. And he could never forget what it was like to love her. 

 

*****

 

Jenny sat on the banks of the river with Phillip, Anne, and Lettie. It was the Fourth of July, and they were getting ready to watch the fireworks. She looked down at her stomach. She was due any day now. She was filled with anxiety about what would happen when the baby arrived, but she tried to keep those worries at bay. It helped to have her friends with her. 

 

She had grown very close with Phillip, Anne, and Lettie over the past few months. They really were there to support her, no matter what. And if she needed something, they were there to give it to her. She had gotten to know the other members of the circus as well, and she spent quite a bit of time there. Phillip always made sure that Phineas and Jenny were never there at the same time. Phineas still had no idea they were helping her. She still hadn’t let them confront him about any of it and she never would. It was best for everyone if she and Phineas stayed far away from each other. 

 

After the fireworks, they headed back to Phillip’s apartment, all of them more than a little intoxicated. She had expected to wake up the next morning to a hangover. She hadn’t expected to wake up the next morning to her water breaking. 

 

She stumbled off Phillip’s couch in a panic and ran to his room, where he was sleeping with Anne. Lettie was still fast asleep in a chair across from the couch.  

 

“Phillip!” She yelled, shaking him awake. 

 

“What?” He blinked his eyes open, confused. “What’s going on?”

 

“My water broke!” She screamed. At this, both he and Anne jolted awake.

 

“Holy shit.” He stumbled out of bed. “We need to get you to the hospital right now.”

 

They both threw on their robes and ran out of the bedroom with her. 

 

“Lettie, wake up!” Phillip woke her from her chair in the sitting room. “Jenny’s water broke. We’re going to the hospital.” 

 

“Oh my God,” she jumped out of her chair and ran out the door with them.

 

Jenny held Lettie’s hand as they sat in the carriage to the hospital. Phillip and Anne sat across from them. There was a sense of panic in the air, but also of excitement. Jenny was going to have her baby. And she was going to live to raise it. 

 

Phillip, Anne, and Lettie took turns sitting next to her and holding her hand through her contractions. One of them was by her side all day. She was grateful, but she was in too much pain to thank them. 

 

Jenny gave birth to a beautiful baby girl that evening. She appeared healthy. When Jenny held her for the first time, she felt a love she’d never felt before. She immediately loved this child more than she knew was possible. This was her daughter. Phineas’s daughter. And her name was Taylor Sofia Lind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My scenes with Phineas are getting shorter. Sorry, his plot line just isn't as interesting right now. He's basically fine. It's Jenny we need to worry about. But she got a happy ending this chapter! Yay!
> 
> Side note, I just found out that in real life, not only was Phineas in Germany when Charity died, he married some 22 year old daughter of a friend 13 weeks after her death like some kind of fucking creep. (He and Charity had been married for 44 years when she died and he was 63 at that point.) I am incensed! Thank you for coming to my very angry TED Talk.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: self-harm
> 
> The next couple of chapters are going to be shorter. But I hope you enjoy them anyway.

Phineas laid in bed awake. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about Jenny. 

 

“Phin?” Charity called softly. “Are you still awake?”

 

“Yes,” he replied. “Are you still awake?”

 

“I wasn’t.” She told him. “I woke up and saw you still lying there with your eyes open. What’s wrong?”

 

“Jenny is due any day now.” He explained. “If she hasn’t already had the baby.”

 

“Are you worried about her?”

 

“Of course I’m worried about her.” He sighed. “She’s out there somewhere having my baby and I’m not there with her. I abandoned her.”

 

“Phin, if you’re that worried about her, go find her.”

 

“You can’t just go find someone.” He replied. “She’s probably back in Europe somewhere.” 

 

“You said yourself she has no one there.” Charity argued. “She might have stayed here.”

 

“Even if she did, how am I supposed to track her down?”

 

“I don’t know.” She took his hand. “All I’m saying is that if you’re that worried about her, try and find her. Help her. I know you love her. I can hear it in your voice when you talk about her.”

 

“Charity, are you really okay with me loving another woman?” 

 

“Yes.” She insisted. “She needs you. And you can’t control who you fall in love with. I just want you to be happy. And if that means you’re in love with her as well as me, I’m okay with that.”

 

“Chairy, you know I love you, right?”

 

“I know.” She kissed him. “And I love you too.” 

 

*****

 

Three months passed. And Jenny was running out of money. She refused to let Phillip give her money. She was going to get a job. He had offered her a job at the circus, but she refused that too. She could too easily run into Phineas. Besides, she figured he would notice if she was suddenly on his payroll. 

 

The problem was, she didn’t know what kind of job she could get. Jobs for women were pretty limited. She didn’t know much about cooking, cleaning, or sewing. And there weren’t many jobs for women that didn’t involve domestic work. 

 

What else could she do? Being a nurse would require medical knowledge, not to mention school. She could be a teacher, but that would also require schooling. And besides, what school would hire her after all her scandals?

 

She could try to get a career in music. That was the only thing she had any knowledge about. But after her scandal, she didn’t figure many musicians would want anything to do with her. 

 

Jenny could only think of one job she could do given her past and skills. It was a taboo job, but for a woman already marred with scandal, that didn’t matter much. And she didn’t feel like she had many other options. 

 

She asked Lettie to come over to her apartment after the circus. 

 

“What do you need?” Lettie asked when she arrived.

 

“I need you to watch Taylor.” She explained. There weren’t many people she trusted to watch her daughter. She had recently found out she was blind in her right eye and deaf in her right ear. It was going to be harder to raise her than she’d realized. 

 

“For what?”

 

“As you know, I need a job so I can have the money to take care of my daughter.” She told her. “I found one. And I would really appreciate it if you could watch her while I’m at work.”

 

“Of course I’ll watch her, but what kind of job did you get that you need to go to work this late?” Lettie looked confused. 

 

“I, uh, I’m a, um,” She was too embarrassed to say it out loud.

 

“Jenny, are you a prostitute?” A look of realization and concern crossed Lettie’s face.

 

“Yes.” She admitted. 

 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? That’s a dangerous job. Not to mention illegal.”

 

“I have no other choice.” 

 

“Phillip already offered you a job at the circus.” Lettie argued.

 

“But I can’t take that. I’m sorry, but I can’t.” She shook her head. “And you cannot tell anyone about this. If Phillip finds out about this he’ll make me come work at the circus. And I just can’t do that.”

 

“Fine.” Lettie sighed. Suddenly, Jenny heard Taylor cry in the other room.

 

“I’ll go get her.” She got up and walked to the bedroom.

 

She picked Taylor up out of her crib and carried her to the sitting room. She was a beautiful baby girl. She didn’t have much hair yet, but the hair she had was as red as Jenny’s. And her eyes were the same whiskey brown color as Phineas’s, although her right eye was clouded over. 

 

“She needs her diaper changed.” Jenny told Lettie.

 

“I’ll do it.” Lettie offered. “You go on. You have a job to do.”

 

“Thank you.” 

 

“Jenny, wait.” Lettie stopped her at the door. “Be careful.”

 

“I will. I promise.”

 

Jenny stepped out into the street. That night, she had her first customer. The young man didn’t tell her his name, and never asked for hers. He took her back to his apartment. 

 

There was no emotion or connection when she had sex with him. He didn’t even seem to care about her. She was only there to get him off. She hated every second of it and was glad when it was over. He paid her and she left. 

 

It was still early in the night, but she couldn’t bear to go back out into the streets. At least not that night. She hadn’t quite prepared herself for how awful this job would be. But she had no other choice. Not if she wanted to be able to keep herself and her daughter alive. 

 

Jenny held in her tears as she walked back into her apartment. She thanked Lettie and insisted she went home. Taylor was back in her crib asleep. She checked on her before going to the bathroom and taking out her knife. Then she slit her wrists until her tears dried and her pain numbed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. I'll have more soon, although maybe not as soon as I had this one. Thanks for reading! :)


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I imply in the notes of the last chapter that this chapter would be short? Because that was a lie. This might be the longest chapter yet. The word document I wrote this in is 11 pages long. So settle in, this might take a bit to read.

Two weeks passed. Jenny was making decent money. She didn’t like selling her body to strangers, but she had convinced herself she had no other choice. This was what she had to do to survive. 

 

No one but Lettie knew she was a prostitute. Lettie had tried to convince her many times to look for a different job. She was worried about her safety. But Jenny ignored her. She wished she could get a different job, but this was her only choice. Besides, it paid better than anything else she could do. Lonely men would pay a stupid amount of money for sex. 

 

That night, Lettie came over to watch Taylor. Jenny handed her daughter to Lettie. She had just finished feeding her. 

 

“Jenny, you really don’t have to do this.” She tried once again to talk her out of it. Jenny still wouldn’t listen.

 

“Except I do.” 

 

“You have other options.” She insisted. “You’re going to get hurt doing this.”

 

“I’ll be fine.” Jenny walked toward the door. “I’ll be careful.”

 

“No you won’t.” Lettie sighed. “You’re not careful. Judging from your past, you never were.”

 

“Don’t you dare go there.” Jenny spat back, tears welling up in her eyes. “Why do you spend so much time lying to me and telling me nothing that happened to me was my fault if you’re just going to admit that’s not true? I already know what happened was my fault. I don’t need you to throw it back in my face. What I need is for you to support me and be there for me while I do what I need to do to survive and raise my daughter. And if you can’t do that, then why don’t you go ahead and abandon me now, instead of leading me on like everyone else?”

 

“I’m sorry.” Lettie told her. “Go on. Do what you need to do.”

 

“Thank you.” 

 

Jenny walked out of her apartment and into the street. She stood on the corner for several minutes before anyone approached her. But it wasn’t a man. It was a woman. She seemed familiar, but it was too dark for Jenny to recognize her.

 

“May I help you?” 

 

“Jenny, is that you?” Her stomach dropped. Was this someone she knew? The voice sounded familiar. 

 

“Who are you?” Jenny asked. “Do I know you?”

 

“Not very well,” the woman smiled. “My husband knows you better than I do.”

 

Jenny suddenly recognized the woman in front of her. 

 

“Charity?” She was suddenly filled with fear. “What are you doing here?”

 

“I should ask you the same question.” She replied, her voice full of concern. “Are you a, um, lady of the night?” 

 

Jenny cringed at Charity’s euphemism. 

 

“If you mean a prostitute, then yes. I am.”

 

“Why?” Charity asked, with concern.

 

“I have to make money somehow.” Jenny explained. “I am raising a child by myself, after all.”

 

“If it was up to me, you wouldn’t be.” Charity replied. She seemed genuinely caring and compassionate. She had expected Charity to scream at her or hurt her. “I’ve tried to get Phineas to reach out to you somehow, but he just won’t. I’m not sure why. I know he loves you, but I think he’s scared of hurting you again.”

 

Jenny didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what to think. All she could do was start crying again. Charity pulled her into her arms, and for awhile, Jenny just cried into her shoulder. Charity ran a comforting hand down her back. After a few minutes, Jenny pulled away.

 

“So, what exactly are you doing here?” Jenny asked, wiping her tears.

 

“I was taking a walk.” Charity explained. “I needed to clear my head.”

 

“You don’t live anywhere near here.” Jenny knew she and Phineas lived outside the city. 

 

“No, but we met some friends at a bar around here.” Charity told her. “They left, but Phineas wanted to stay. We got into a little argument, and I had to leave. Our relationship has been alright, but it’s been difficult for both of us.”

 

“That’s my fault, isn’t it?”

 

“No.” She took her hands in hers. “It’s Phin’s fault. You just wanted somebody to love you. He let you believe he could be that somebody. And even though he did fall in love with you, he abandoned you anyway. To be honest, what I’ve had the hardest time forgiving him for isn’t having an affair with you. It’s pushing you away.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes.” She squeezed her hands a little tighter. “What he did was selfish. That’s a problem he’s always had. He does whatever he thinks is best for him with little regard to how his actions affect those around him. He ruined your life for no other reason than to protect his own reputation. And I’m not sure I’ll ever fully be able to forgive him for that.”

 

Jenny, again, found herself unable to reply. All she could do was cry. Charity took her in her arms again. This time, she planted a soft kiss in her hair. 

 

“You’ll be alright, Jenny.” She told her. “You really will. You’re an amazing young woman.”

 

She hardly knew Charity, but she let her words comfort her. She had a calming presence that Jenny needed right then. Eventually, Jenny pulled away.

 

“I can try to get Phineas to help you again, if you’d like.” Charity offered.

 

“No.” She shook her head. “I’ve decided my life might be better off without him in it.”

 

“What about your child?”

 

“I think he’s already made it clear he doesn’t want to be part of her life.” Jenny replied sadly.

 

“He should.”

 

“But you can’t make him.”

 

“No. Sadly, I can’t.” Charity admitted. “I better get going. But it was lovely to see you. Take care of yourself, Jenny.”

 

“I will.” Jenny promised. “Take care of yourself, too. And take care of Phineas.”

 

“I will.”

 

*****

 

Phineas was more than a little intoxicated when he and Charity came home from the bar, but he could tell she was acting weird. She’d hardly spoken to him when she came back from her walk. She acted like there was something she wanted to tell him, but she wouldn’t say it. He wanted to ask her what was wrong, but he figured it would be better to wait until the morning. Whatever it was, he knew he would process it better when he was sober. 

 

The next morning, Charity was already out of bed when he woke up. He found her in the dining room eating breakfast with Caroline and Helen. 

 

“Good morning,” he greeted them as he sat down.

 

“Good morning, Daddy,” Caroline replied excitedly.

 

“Morning,” Helen said through a mouthful of eggs. He and Caroline laughed, but Charity didn’t react. She didn’t even acknowledge Phineas. She stared stonily at her food, very intentionally not looking at him. 

 

After breakfast, Caroline and Helen went up to their room to play. Phineas followed Charity to the sitting room. She continued to ignore him, not even looking up when he sat down on the couch next to her. 

 

“Charity, is something wrong?” He asked her. 

 

“Don’t you need to get to work?” She asked, coldly. “Because I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to meet Phillip at the office today.”

 

“I am.” He replied. “But I wanted to talk to you first.”

 

“Well, I don’t want to talk to you.” 

 

“Charity, wha-,” 

 

“Get out.” She cut him off. “Go to work.”

 

“What is going on?”

 

“I said get out!” She snapped, finally looking up at him. There was anger in her eyes, but there were also tears. 

 

Phineas wanted to stay. He wanted to figure out what the hell was going on. But he knew better than to argue with her right then. So he got up and left. As he walked away, he heard her let out a small sob. He turned around and started to walk back towards the couch. 

 

“Charity, please tell me what’s wrong.” He begged.

 

“I told you to get out!” She screamed, standing up. He was stunned by the anger and hurt in her voice and on her face. “Go! Get the fuck out before I hurt you!”

 

Charity had never threatened him before, and he wasn’t sure exactly what she was going to do to him, but he absolutely believed she would do it. Still, even though common sense told him to leave, he was frozen to the spot. 

 

“Go!” She screamed again. She picked up a small vase of flowers from the table and threw it at him. It just barely missed his head, crashing into the wall behind him. “Get out!”

 

She picked up a glass and ran towards him. He ran away. As he ran out the front door, she threw it. It shattered on the ground in front of him. 

 

That day, he tried to focus on his work, but he couldn’t. All he could do was wonder what he had done to make Charity so angry. What had happened to her on that walk? Or was it the argument? He didn’t even remember what it was about, but she had gotten upset and stormed out of the bar. When she came back, she looked even more upset. Usually, when she went on a walk to clear her mind, she came back calm and composed. But she looked even more hurt than when she had left.

 

And whatever it was had clearly boiled over in her mind last night. Now she didn’t even want to speak to him. He knew it might be wise to stay away from her when he came home, but he desperately needed to find out what was wrong. 

 

Charity ignored him again at dinner, and she ignored him all evening afterwards. But after they put Caroline and Helen to bed, Phineas confronted her in their bedroom. 

 

“Charity, what the hell is going on?” He asked her. “Please talk to me.”

 

“I don’t even know where to begin.” She sat down on the bed. 

 

“Is this about our argument last night?” He questioned. “Because I really don’t remember it. I’m sorry for whatever I said. I was drunk and I was being stupid. I didn’t mean it.”

 

“This isn’t about that.” She sighed. “When I went for my walk last night, I ran into Jenny.”

 

“Oh my God,” Phineas felt his stomach drop, suddenly paralyzed with fear. “Where is she? Is she alright?”

 

“Physically, she looked healthy, but mentally, I don’t think she’s doing well.” She told him. “She did mention her child. Your child. So clearly she didn’t kill it.” She glared at him. 

 

A fresh wave of guilt washed over him over how he’d treated her. How cruelly he’d pushed her away.

 

“H-how is she doing?” He feared the answer. 

 

“Not that well. She’s, um, she,” she trailed off.

 

“She’s what?”

 

“She’s a prostitute.”

 

“Oh my God, you, you can’t be serious.” He wanted to cry.

 

“Well, she has to get money to raise a child somehow.” He tried, but he couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. Jenny Lind had to sell her body in order to have enough money to raise their child, and that was his fault. 

 

“What have I done?” He cried.

 

“I don’t really know.” She replied. “All I know is that when I went on that walk last night, I wasn’t expecting to hold your ex-mistress in my arms while she cried over how badly you hurt her.”

 

“I’m so sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say.

 

“Tell her that.” 

 

“I can’t.”

 

“You can and you will.” She spat back. “I will never be able to forgive you if you don’t reach out and try to help her. I’ve had a hard enough time forgiving you for hurting her to begin with, for hurting this woman you claimed to love. But if you let her suffer like this without ever lifting a finger to try and help her, I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to look you in the eyes again.”

 

“Charity, I’m sorry I hurt her and I’m sorry I pushed her away, but why is this such a big deal to you?” He asked her. “I would have thought you would want me to have nothing to do with her.”

 

She started to cry.

 

“I would have wanted you to have had nothing to do with her from the beginning. But you didn’t. You told her you loved her then you abandoned her. You claim you love her, but then you act like you don’t care about her at all. And all I can do is worry. Because if you could do that to her, what could you do to me?”

 

“Charity, I’m so sorry.” He took her in his arms, and for a few moments, they just cried together.

 

“Phin, promise me you’ll try to reach out to her.” 

 

“I promise.”

 

That night, he couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about Jenny. She was out there somewhere having sex with a stranger for money. His heart broke when he thought about a strange man taking off her clothes. Kissing her. Touching her. Being inside her. Without caring about her at all. With no thought to anything except his own pleasure. 

 

This was his fault. He had done this to her. His sweet, beautiful angel. He had let this happen to her. He had heard prostitutes called fallen women before. Jenny was so much more than just a fallen woman. She was his fallen angel. And he had no idea how, but he was going to lift her back up again. 

 

*****

 

A month had passed since Jenny ran into Charity. She hadn’t heard anything more from either her or Phineas. She assumed Charity hadn’t been successful in getting him to reach out to her.

 

Lettie still came over to watch Taylor at night. And she had given up trying to stop her from being a prostitute. Phillip and Anne still had no idea and she intended to keep it that way. 

 

Jenny walked out into the street. She was soon approached by a middle aged man. He took her to his apartment and had sex with her. He paid her and she walked back out into the street.

 

She had lost count of the men she had slept with. But she hadn’t lost the feeling of numbness that came after. But she had stopped going home. Instead, she stayed out in the street, looking for another stranger who would pay for her pleasures. 

 

She waited for quite awhile, but no one else approached her. She was about to give up and go home, when a young man walked up to her.

 

“Hey,” He called out to her as he approached. 

 

“Hello.” She replied seductively. “How may I help you?”

 

“Not to be crass, but I’ve been looking for a prostitute.”

 

“Well, you've found what you’re looking for.” 

 

He led her to his apartment and had sex with her. But somehow, this felt different. He seemed like he cared a bit more about her pleasure than other men had. When he kissed her, there was some kind of emotion, or at least passion behind it. 

 

When they were finished, he paid her and she started to leave. But he stopped her.

 

“No, wait.” He called. She turned around. “I want to talk to you.”

 

“You’re so lonely you need to talk to your prostitute as well?” She teased.

 

“No, I just needed to ask you something.” She walked back to him and sat down next to him on the bed. “You look familiar. Do I know you?”

 

Her stomach dropped. Did he recognize her? Did he know who she was?

 

“No, I don’t think so.” She replied. 

 

“What’s your name?” 

 

“Johanna.” She gave her real name. The name no one actually knew her by. 

 

“Johanna what?” He pressed. “I’m assuming you have a last name.”

 

“Lind.” She sighed. “My full name is Johanna Lind.”

 

“Any relation to Jenny Lind?” He smiled. 

 

“I am Jenny Lind.” She confessed. “My real name is Johanna. Jenny is just a nickname. But it’s what everyone has called me my whole life.”

 

“You mean to tell me that in less than a year, you went from being the most famous singer in the world to being a prostitute?”

 

“Yeah.” She sighed. “It’s a long story. So what’s your name?”

 

“James.” 

 

“James what?” She smiled. “I’m assuming you have a last name.”

 

“James Milton.” 

 

Jenny talked with James for almost an hour. She told him about her daughter and what her life was like now. She didn’t mention that Taylor was blind in one eye and deaf in one ear. And she didn’t mention anything about her past. She did tell him the truth about her affair with Phineas. He listened to everything without judgement. And he comforted her when she got upset talking about Phineas.

 

He told her a bit about himself. He was 32. He worked at a textile factory. He was single and had never been married. His mother died when he was a child and he didn’t have a good relationship with his father. 

 

Jenny wanted to tell him that she didn’t have a good relationship with her father either, but she didn’t feel ready to tell him yet. She hardly knew him. And besides, it all hurt so much to talk about. She needed to prepare herself for that kind of pain. 

 

“I should be getting home.” She told him. “It was nice to talk to you, but it’s really late. I need to get home to my daughter so my babysitter can go home. I’m sure she’s wondering where I am.”

 

“Do you want me to walk you home?” James offered. “The streets of New York City can be a dangerous place at night.”

 

“I think I’m used to the danger.” She told him. “But I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have a little extra protection.”

 

He took her hand and led her down the stairs and into the street. She felt oddly comfortable with him. Almost safe. Almost. But she knew she couldn’t trust him like that yet. Part of her wanted to, but she knew better. She hardly knew him. 

 

She stopped at the entrance to her apartment building. 

 

“Well this is it.” She told him. “Thank you for walking me home. And for talking. This was the first time a client had ever treated me like a person. Like I mattered. When you’re a prostitute, it’s easy to forget you’re worth something not related to sex.”

 

“Jenny, you are worth a lot more than just sex.” He replied sweetly. “How would you like to go on a date sometime?”

 

“I would love that.”

 

“Are you doing anything tomorrow evening?”

 

“Nothing besides work.”

 

“Great.” He squeezed her hands. “I’ll meet you out here at six.”

 

“Alright.” She agreed. 

 

“Goodnight.” He told her.

 

“Goodnight.”

 

Jenny walked back into her apartment with a smile on her face. Lettie looked confused when she saw the smile. She usually came back looking upset.

 

“What are you so happy about?” She asked.

 

“Would you be able to watch Taylor a little earlier tomorrow night? Like, at six?”

 

“I guess. Why?”

 

“I got a date.” She told her excitedly.

 

“Really? Who is it?”

 

“His name is James Milton.” 

 

“And let me guess, you met him because he paid to sleep with you.” Lettie remarked.

 

“Why does that matter?”

 

“Are you sure this is the kind of man you should be going out with?”

 

“He was perfectly nice.” Jenny defended. “He actually talked to me. He didn’t have sex with me like I was only there for his pleasure. He made me feel like I was actually worth something.”

 

“Look,” Lettie sighed. “All I’m saying is that he may not be as kind as he seems. Be careful.”

 

“I will be.”

 

Lettie left and Jenny made her way to her bedroom. And for the first time in a long time, she felt hopeful.

 

*****

 

Phineas had spent the last month trying to figure out how to contact Jenny. It didn’t seem right to just go up to her on the street. That wasn’t how he wanted to reunite with her. 

 

He wanted to figure out where she lived, but he was having no luck. Charity wasn’t even sure if Jenny actually lived in the neighborhood she found her in. And even if she did, he had no way of knowing which apartment was hers or even which apartment building she lived in. He couldn’t exactly go door to door looking for her. 

 

He tried to get Phillip to reach out for him. He had a feeling that Jenny had been talking to him, as well as some of the others from the circus. That would explain why they were suddenly so distant around him. 

 

But Phillip denied knowing Jenny. Phineas's gut told him he was lying, but he didn’t press the issue. Maybe she had asked Phillip not to mention her to him. He wouldn’t blame her. He didn’t deserve to have her back in his life.

 

Phineas decided to write her a letter. Hopefully he could get Phillip to give it to her. And if he couldn’t, hopefully he could find someone who would. If nothing else, it would be somewhat of a relief to put his feelings and thoughts down on paper. 

 

_ Dear Jenny,  _

 

_ I am so sorry. I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve hurt you so much. I abandoned you when you needed me the most. I told you I loved you, then I pushed you away in such a cruel manner.  _

 

_ I am so sorry for everything I’ve done. I ruined your life to protect my own reputation. That fact has eaten me alive with guilt every single day. I know I don’t deserve to have you back in my life after what I did to you. But I want to be part of your life again. I want to help you. I want to be apart of our child’s life.  _

 

_ I want so badly to kiss you and hold you in my arms again. To tell you in person how much I love you. Because I do. I love you. And I need you in my life.  _

 

_ I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But I hope you can forgive me. Because I truly am sorry. I love you so much and I want to have you in my life again. I need to have you in my life again. I love you so much. And I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to you.  _

 

_ Even if you can’t forgive me, even if I never see you again, please never forget that I love you. You’re a beautiful, incredible woman. You’re my angel and you deserve the world. I hope you find happiness someday.  _

 

_ I love you and I always will.  _

 

_ Phineas  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that even though it was way too long and probably should have been two separate chapters. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: physical abuse

The next day, Phineas took his letter to the office. His gut told him Phillip had been helping Jenny. He hoped he could convince him to give her the letter. 

 

“Phillip, can you do me a favor?” He asked.

 

“Of course.” Phillip replied. “What is it?” 

 

“I need you to give this letter to Jenny.” Phillip opened his mouth to object but Phineas cut him off. “My gut tells me you’ve been talking to her. You’ve been helping her. And I hope you have. That’s great. But stop lying to me about it. Tell me the truth. Are you or are you not in contact with Jenny?”

 

“I am.” Phillip finally admitted. “Several months ago, she came to see the circus and I started talking to her. I took her back to my apartment with Anne and Lettie. She told us everything. We’ve been helping her ever since.”

 

“I’m glad to hear that.” Phineas smiled. “So can you give her this letter?”

 

“She didn’t want us to mention her to you. She didn’t want you to know we were helping her. I don’t know how happy she’ll be about this. But yes, I’ll give her the letter.”

 

“Thank you.” He got up and handed the letter to Phillip. “By the way, have you ever thought about offering her a job at the circus? She could be like a vocal coach or a songwriter or something?”

 

“I’ve offered it.” Phillip told him. “She refused. She didn’t think you would want her there.”

 

“I don’t blame her for thinking that after what I did.” He sighed. “But if you could offer it again, and tell her it’s alright with me, I’d like that.”

 

“Why are you so concerned?” He asked. “I mean, sure, she’d be a good fit at the circus, but she has another job. She won’t tell me what, but she says she’s making decent money.”

 

“Phillip, her other job is the problem.” He was stunned that Phillip had no idea. “She’s, she’s,”

 

“She’s what?”

 

“She’s a prostitute.”

 

“That’s ridiculous. She would never,”

 

“Charity ran into her on the street a few weeks ago.” Phineas cut him off. “I didn’t think she would either, but she did. And it breaks my heart that she had to resort to that.”

 

“I’ll talk to her.” Phillip told him. 

 

“Thank you.”

 

*****

 

Jenny was startled by a knock at her door. Lettie wasn’t supposed to arrive for two more hours. Neither was James. She got off the couch and opened the door. It was Phillip.

 

“Phillip, what are you doing here?” She smiled.

 

“I have a letter for you.” He explained. “It’s from Phineas.” 

 

She was stunned. She hadn’t expected to hear from him ever again. She was speechless as he handed her the letter. 

 

“Thank you.” 

 

“You’re welcome.” He still had a nervous look on his face, as if there was something he wanted to say, but wasn’t sure how to say it. 

 

“Is there something wrong?” She asked.

 

“Are you-,” He sighed, then shook his head. “How are you doing? How is Taylor?”

 

“We’re both fine. Would you like to see her?”

 

“I would love that.”

 

Jenny led him inside to the bedroom, where Taylor was taking a nap. She fussed a little as Jenny lifted her out of her crib, but she quickly soothed her. She handed her to Phillip.

 

“She’s growing so fast.” He remarked. “She’s adorable.”

 

“She is.” She agreed.

 

“She has Phineas’s eyes.” He mentioned. He paused for a moment. “I’m sure he would love to meet her.”

 

“Perhaps,” she sighed. She wasn’t sure if she was ready for that yet. “But, I don’t know. It’s just, I-, I don’t know. Things seem so complicated right now, I-,”

 

“It’s alright, Jenny.” Phillip cut her off. “It was just an offer. You don’t have to go see him if you don’t want to. But if you ever change your mind, just say the word.”

 

“I will.” She smiled. “Thank you.” 

 

“I probably better get going.” He said, handing Taylor back to Jenny. “Anne will be expecting me.”

 

“Alright.” She laid Taylor back in her crib. “It was nice to see you. And thanks again, for the letter.”

 

“No problem, Jenny.” 

 

After Phillip left, Jenny sat down on her bed and opened the letter. She started to cry as she read it. Phineas had apologized for everything. He told her he loved her. He wanted her back in his life. He wanted to help raise their child. 

 

She wanted to write back right away. Tell him that she forgave him. That she still loved him. That she would love to have him back in her life. She was certain this letter was sincere. That he really did love her. 

 

But she couldn’t write back yet. Things were just too complicated. And what if he didn’t mean it? What if he was just going to push her away again? She didn’t think she could bear the pain of his rejection again. 

 

So even though she thought the letter was sincere, that he was telling the truth, she put the letter in her dresser. Maybe she’d write back another day. 

 

*****

 

“Did you give Jenny the letter?” Phineas asked Phillip the next day at the office.

 

“I did.”

 

“Did you offer her a job here?”

 

“No.” He sighed. “It just didn’t seem like the right time. She wasn’t even ready to see you again yet, let alone work with you. Give it some time.”

 

“We may not have much time.” Phineas remarked. “She could get killed out there while we wait for the right time.”

 

“Listen, I’m just as concerned about Jenny as you are, but I can’t push her to come work here when she isn’t even ready to see you again.” 

 

Phineas gave a defeated sigh. He knew Phillip was right, but he wasn’t sure he could handle the uncertainty of waiting. 

 

“She did seem happy to get your letter.” Phillip told him. “Who knows, she might reach out to you first.”

 

“I hope she does.”

 

“I did mention the possibility of you meeting your daughter at some point.” He informed him. “She wasn’t ready for that yet, but she said she’d tell me when she was.”

 

Phineas couldn’t get past the first sentence. He had a daughter he had never even met. He hadn’t even known the child was a girl until a few seconds ago. 

 

“Holy shit.” He sighed. “My daughter. What-, what’s her name?”

 

“Taylor.” Phillip smiled. “She named her after you.”

 

“She named her after me?”

 

“Yes, Phineas Taylor Barnum, she did.” 

 

“Why?” Phineas was shocked.

 

“Because she loves you.”

 

“Even after everything I did, she still loves me enough to name her child after me.” He really couldn’t believe it. Phillip nodded.

 

“Her full name is Taylor Sofia Lind.”

 

“That’s a beautiful name.” He remarked.

 

“She’s adorable.” Phillip told him. “She has your eyes. Well, um, one of them.”

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

“She’s blind in her right eye. She’s also deaf in her right ear.”

 

“Oh.” He really didn’t know what to say. 

 

“Jenny blames herself for it because she drank too much when she was pregnant.” Phillip explained. “That and all the other stressors she endured while she was pregnant.”

 

“I don’t know if she should totally blame herself for that. None of that would’ve happened if I hadn’t abandoned her.” Phineas paused. “What exactly has happened to Jenny since I last saw her? Because I feel like there’s a lot I don’t know about.”

 

“There is.” Phillip agreed. “But it’s not my place to tell you.”

 

 

That night, Phineas went home to Charity and cried himself to sleep. He told her everything he had learned about Taylor, as well as his worries about what had happened to Jenny after he pushed her away. Charity held him and told him everything was alright. But he knew it wasn’t. And it never would be again unless he could find a way to help Jenny.

 

*****

 

Two months passed. Jenny had never replied to Phineas’s letter. She wanted to, but at this point, she didn’t feel like she could. She and James were in an official, committed relationship now. He knew everything that had happened to her. And she knew he wouldn’t like it if she started communicating with Phineas again. He didn’t even know the letter existed. 

 

Phillip, Anne, and Lettie had all raised concerns about James. They didn’t trust him. They thought he sometimes acted possessive over her and was trying to keep her away from them. Sure, he wanted to know where she was going to be and who she was going to be with. And he didn’t seem to like her friends. But Jenny just saw it as him being overprotective. He knew about what she had been through. He was just trying to keep her from getting hurt again. 

 

They were most concerned that James had moved in with her. He had lost his job at the textile factory, and he couldn’t afford his rent anymore. She wasn’t going to let her boyfriend end up homeless. So she took him in. They understood the reason he moved in to begin with, but what they really didn’t like was the fact that he didn’t move out when he got another job. But Jenny was alright with that. She enjoyed having him there.

 

Lettie especially didn’t like that James had told her she didn’t need to come over to watch Taylor anymore. He was home from work by the time Jenny left at night, so he had decided he should watch her. Jenny didn’t really like that he had made that decision for her, but she felt like his heart was in the right place. 

 

“Lettie, he’s only trying to help me.” Jenny had insisted.

 

“Really? Because right now, it seems more like he’s going to hurt you.” Lettie had replied sadly. Then she had turned around and left.

 

A couple of weeks had passed since then. Jenny was sitting on the couch with James after he got home from work when they heard a knock at the door.

 

“I’ll get it.” She got up and crossed the room.

 

It was Phillip.

 

“Phillip, what are you doing here?” She asked.

 

“I need to talk to you.” 

 

“About what?”

 

“Your job.” He sighed. “I know you’re a prostitute. I understand why you didn’t want us to know, but Phineas told me. He wanted me to offer you a job at the circus again. He’s alright with you working there, Jenny. He wants to be a part of your life again.”

 

“Excuse me, what’s going on here?” James asked, approaching the door. “What exactly do you think you’re doing here?”

 

“I, uh, I was offering Jenny a job at the circus.” Phillip explained. “We’re just worried about her. Prostitution can be a very dangerous job and-,”

 

“Jenny doesn’t need a job with your stupid circus freaks.” James spat. “And I really don’t appreciate you coming here and telling my girlfriend what to do.”

 

“I wasn’t telling her what to do.” Phillip defended himself. “It was just an offer. You’re the one who butted in and tried to make the decision for her. You’re the one who’s telling her what to do.”

 

“She doesn’t want your fucking job, loser.” 

 

“She didn’t say that. You did.” Phillip retorted. “Why don’t you let her make up her own mind?”

 

“My girlfriend is not going to have any association with your damn freakshow.” James growled. “Now get the hell out of here.”

 

“Sorry, I was just making an offer.” Phillip threw up his hands. “We’re just worried about her. Because, unlike you, we actually care about her.”

 

James grabbed Phillip and slammed him against the wall.

 

“I told you to get the hell out of here.” He punched Phillip in the face. “I’d suggest you do what I tell you.” 

 

He pulled Phillip from the wall and pushed him down the hallway. Phillip walked away, flashing Jenny an apologetic look before he turned around and left. James came back inside and slammed the door.

 

“James, he was just looking out for me.” Jenny defended. “They’re just concerned about me. Prostitution isn’t exactly the safest or most legal job in the world. They just want to know I’m safe.”

 

“It’s my job to look out for you, not theirs.” He spat back. “And from now on, I want you to stay the hell away from those freaks. Do you understand me?”

 

“Yes.” She nodded, looking at the floor.

 

“Look me in the fucking eyes, you stupid bitch.” He grabbed her hair and yanked her head up so she was looking him in the eyes. “I want you to stay away from those circus freaks. Do you understand me?”

 

“Yes. I understand.”

 

“Good.” He let go of her hair and pushed her away. “Now, I think you’d better get to work.”

 

“I don’t need to leave quite yet, it’s only-,”

 

“I told you to get to work.” He cut her off. “Go on. Get out and be a whore. It’s all your good for anyway.”

 

Jenny turned around and walked out, tears welling up in her eyes. That was the first time he had shown the capability to be truly abusive. She had never seen him hurt anyone before. And he had never called her names like that before. Well, actually he had. But it had just been a few times. He was just upset with her. He didn’t mean any of it. He was just worried about her, right? He was only trying to protect her. He just didn’t trust anyone in the circus after what Phineas did to her. 

 

She knew deep down something was wrong. She had been in abusive relationships before. She feared that was the path this was heading down. But she pushed her worries aside. He was just trying to keep her safe. That was all. 

 

That night when she got home, James wasn’t in the sitting room. That was odd. He usually waited for her on the couch.

 

“James?” She called. “Are you here?”

 

She walked down the hall and found him in the bedroom. He was sitting on her bed. He had the letter in his hands. 

 

“James?” She called out, nervously.

 

“What the hell is this?” He looked up at her, rage in his eyes. 

 

“That’s a letter from Phineas.” She confessed. This wouldn’t end well and she knew it. 

 

“I thought you said you were no longer in contact with him?”

 

“I’m not.” She insisted. “I never replied to that letter. I don’t want anything to do with him.”

 

“Then why’d you keep it?”

 

“I-I don’t know.” She stammered. “I just, I-I,”

 

He slapped her in the face.

 

“People don’t keep love letters from people they want nothing to do with.” He spat. “So why the fuck did you keep this, you stupid bitch? Tell me!” He slapped her again.

 

“I-I don’t know.”

 

He punched her. 

 

“Yes, you do.” He pushed her to the floor. “You still love him, don’t you?”

 

“No, I swear to God I don’t.” She told him, panicking. “I don’t know why I kept that. I should have thrown it away. I’m sorry.” She tried to get up, but he pushed her down again, this time getting on top of her, pinning her to the ground. 

 

“You’re not sorry,” He punched her again. “You still love him, you stupid slut. You fucking lied to me!”

 

“No, I-,”

 

“Shut the fuck up!” He screamed. He started hitting her, again and again. She tried to get away from him, but she couldn’t. He kept screaming at her and hitting her and there was nothing she could do but endure it until he got tired of beating her. 

 

Every inch of her body hurt by the time James got off of her. 

 

“You stay right there, you dumb whore.” He ordered. She was too frightened to even think about disobeying him. He left the room and came back a few moments later with a box of matches. “Now, I’m going to do what you should’ve done with this letter to begin with.”

 

He lit one of the matches and set the letter ablaze. He let it burn in his hand, letting pieces of spark and ash fall to the ground. When it was burned, he dropped the remaining pieces to the ground and stamped out the fire with his foot. Then he left her alone, crying on the floor, with only the pile of ash, the burnt remains of her dreams of Phineas, to keep her company. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's only like 4 or 5 chapters left, so we're getting towards the end here. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: sexual abuse, self-harm, actual suicide attempt
> 
> I apologize in advance. This is an intense chapter.

Two and a half years passed. It was now August, 1854. Phineas still hadn’t seen or heard from Jenny. James was trying his hardest to keep her away from the circus. But she had given Phillip, Anne, and Lettie his work schedule. They took turns coming over and checking on her when they knew he was at work. He had yet to catch them.

 

They were all worried about her. They had seen bruises and scratches on her. Lettie had confronted her about them, but Jenny insisted he didn’t beat her. He had only hit her a few times. They all knew deep down that was a lie, but no one pressed the matter further. 

 

They knew for sure she had started cutting again. Or rather, she had never stopped. They were sure she was still drinking too. 

 

They also knew she was still a prostitute. Apparently, James wouldn’t let her find another job, even if it wasn’t at the circus. 

 

Phineas sat with Charity and the girls at dinner. Caroline was 14 now, and Helen was 11. They weren’t little girls anymore. Well, they would always be little girls to him, but they were starting to grow into young ladies. 

 

Caroline was still studying ballet. After she finished high school, she hoped to study at a dance school. Helen was still too young to know for sure what she wanted to do, but she seemed to be interested in working with him and Phillip at the circus. 

 

“I’m excited to see you as ringmaster tonight, Dad.” Helen told him through a bite of food. “It’s been so long.”

 

“It’s been almost a year.” He replied. “Phillip does a fantastic job, but I have to step back into the role every once in a while.”

 

“Do you think Jenny will be there?” Helen asked. Phineas almost choked on his food.

 

“What?”

 

“Jenny Lind. She still lives in New York City.”

 

“How did you know that?” 

 

“Phillip told me. I asked about her one time.” She explained. “He says they’re friends now. Maybe she'll come to see you be ringmaster again.”

 

Phineas and Charity exchanged a look at Helen’s innocence. The girls still had no idea what had really happened between him and Jenny. And he intended to keep it that way. 

 

“Perhaps.” He forced a smile. “But don’t get your hopes up.”

 

“I asked Phillip once if we could see Jenny again, and he said no.” Caroline told them. “I don’t think she wants to see us.”

 

“Why wouldn’t she want to see us?” Helen asked. “I thought she liked us.”

 

“Girls, it’s,” he sighed. “It’s complicated.”

 

Charity had stopped eating as the conversation went on around her. She looked like she might cry.

 

“Let me guess,” Caroline rolled her eyes. “It’s one of those adult things we wouldn’t understand yet.”

 

“Something like that.” He replied.

 

“What could have possibly happened on that tour that you can’t tell us?” Caroline pressed. “It’s not like you slept with her or something.”

 

Charity froze. 

 

“We’re not having this conversation right now.” Phineas stated, decisively. 

 

“Oh my God, did you?” Caroline’s mouth fell open. She was a teenager now, and more than old enough to understand things like this. He desperately wished she wasn’t. 

 

“N-no, no, of course n-,” he tried to defend himself, but Caroline cut him off.

 

“You cheated on Mom, didn’t you?” Phineas just sat there. He couldn’t lie to them, but he couldn’t admit it either. “I can’t believe you.”

 

Caroline got up and walked out of the room. 

 

“Caroline, I can explain,” He called after her. But she didn’t turn around.

 

Helen started to cry. He wasn’t sure if she was old enough to understand exactly what he had done. But she certainly understood he had done something bad. 

 

No one said a word. And no one ate any more of their dinner. Eventually, Phineas broke the silence. 

 

“I should get going,” he stood up. “The show’s in a couple of hours.”

 

Charity followed him out of the room. 

 

“Phineas,” she stopped him at the front door. “How are we going to explain what happened to them?”

 

“I have no idea.” He shook his head. “I’m not even sure how Caroline figured it out.”

 

“She’s a smart girl.” She sighed. “I guess she was bound to figure out something happened eventually. And the example she gave of what you didn’t do happened to be exactly what you did.”

 

“Will they ever forgive me?” He asked. “Can I even expect them to?”

 

“I don’t know.” She replied. “I’ll talk to Caroline. If she sees that I forgave you, maybe she will too.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“You better get going.” She told him. He nodded. 

 

“I’ll see you later.” He started to turn around and leave, but she stopped him. 

 

“I love you.” She reached up and kissed him.

 

“I love you too.”

 

At the show, he easily stepped back into the role of ringmaster. The crowd loved seeing him again. Charity and Helen came out to see him, but Caroline didn’t. He wasn’t surprised. Jenny wasn’t there either, which also didn’t surprise him. 

 

He often worried if she was alright. But that worry had been pushed to the back of his mind. Now, his main worry was Caroline. He’d already pushed away one daughter. He couldn’t bear to lose another. 

 

*****

 

Jenny walked home on a warm August night. She had found some semblance of normalcy, despite the fact that her life was still anything but normal. So much had changed, and yet, somehow, nothing had. She felt as though she was just going through the motions of life at this point. 

 

She was engaged to James now. Part of her was happy about it, although part of her told her to run far away from him. But she couldn’t run. She was stuck here. Even though James screamed at her and beat her on almost a daily basis now, she was stuck with him. And somehow, she loved him. And she believed that he loved her.

 

Taylor was three now. She was developing fairly normally, despite the fact that she was blind in one eye and deaf in one ear. Jenny swore she saw more of Phineas in her everyday. But she never said that out loud, for fear of how James would react.

 

Jenny had never been able to reach out to Phineas, even though part of her still wanted to. Every morning, after James left for work, Phillip, Anne, or Lettie would come to check on her and Taylor. It was reassuring to know that she still had friends. That James hadn’t driven them away. Although deep down, she feared what he would do if he caught one of them there. But he never had. 

 

Jenny walked up the stairs to her apartment. It was a little earlier than she usually got home, but the streets hadn’t been very busy, so she’d decided to head back. As soon as she opened the door, she knew something was wrong. James wasn’t in the sitting room, where he usually was. Had he gone to bed? She doubted it. He always waited up for her. 

 

Suddenly, she heard a cry. It was Taylor. Her stomach dropped. What the hell was going on? The noise was coming from the bedroom. She still lived in a one bedroom apartment, so Taylor still slept in the same room as them. 

 

She heard Taylor cry out over and over as she approached the bedroom.

 

“Stop!” She cried out. 

 

“Shut up, you stupid brat!” James screamed. 

 

Taylor kept crying and screaming, but whatever James was doing, he wasn’t stopping. 

 

Jenny thought she might vomit when she looked inside the bedroom. James was holding Taylor down on the bed. She was naked. And he was molesting her. 

 

Rage filled her. James could do whatever he wanted to Jenny, but he could not hurt her daughter. Instinct kicked in, and against her better judgement, she ran into the room.

 

“Get the fuck off my daughter!” She screamed, dragging him to the ground. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

 

“I do whatever the fuck I want to do.” He growled, getting up to face her. 

 

“Not to my daughter, you don’t! Get the fuck out!”

 

“Don’t you dare tell me what to do, you stupid bitch.” He slammed her against the wall. “I would think you’d have learned better by now.” 

 

He punched her in the face, but she kneed him in the groin and pushed him off her. She ran into the hallway, but he followed. That was fine. She had a plan now. She knew James had a gun. And she knew where he kept it.

 

She ran to the coat rack and took his pistol from the inside pocket. She turned around to see him running at her. And without even stopping to think about it, she pulled the trigger. She shot him three times. Once in the arm, once in the leg, and once in the stomach. 

 

He tried to lunge for her, but he was disoriented now. She put the gun to his head and backed him to the front door. 

 

“Leave now, or I will kill you.”

 

“You wouldn’t dare.”

 

She fired a warning shot into his shoulder. 

 

“I would.” She put the gun to his head again. “No one hurts my daughter and gets away with it. Understood?”

 

James put his hands up and backed out the door.

 

“Get out! Now!” She screamed. He turned and stumbled down the hallway. She shot one last time, this time in the back as he went down the stairs. She heard him fall forward and roll down the stairs. 

 

As soon as he was out of sight, she shut and locked the door behind her and sank to the floor, sobbing. What the hell had just happened? 

 

A wave of guilt crashed over her. She had endured years of his abuse, completely unaware that he was abusing Taylor as well. She had let him hurt her daughter. She should have left him long ago. Instead, she had allow them to inflict the same kind of pain on her daughter as had been inflicted on her in her own childhood. 

 

She got up and walked back to the bedroom, where Taylor was still on the bed, crying. She put her clothes back on her, then held her in her arms.

 

“Shhh,” She soothed her. “He’s gone now. It’s alright.”

 

Once she calmed Taylor down, she tucked her into bed. She sang her a lullaby as she tried to get her to go to sleep. 

 

Once Taylor was asleep, she went to the bathroom and took out her knife. She slit her wrists as tears of anger and guilt streamed down her face. She didn’t even bother to clean the blood off the sink when she was done. 

 

Instead, she wandered out into the sitting room, where she sat on the couch and stared out the window. She stared out the window and cried for hours. She watched the night fade into day. And as she watched the sunrise, she decided this day would be her last. She couldn’t do this anymore. She had tried so hard to be a good mother. To protect Taylor. But she couldn’t do it. Her last hope was that someone else could. 

 

Jenny grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and wrote out her suicide note.

 

_ I am so sorry. I tried so hard. But I couldn’t do it. He hurt Taylor. And it’s my fault. I couldn’t protect her. If I can’t even protect my own daughter, what good am I? What’s the point of living? I just don’t see one anymore. I’m sorry. Take care of Taylor. And tell her I love her. _

 

_ Jenny Lind _

 

She walked across the room, to where the gun was still laying on the floor. She picked it up and put it to her head. She pulled the trigger, but the gun was empty. So she dropped it and went to the kitchen. She dug in her cupboards until she found rat poison. 

 

She took the cap off and laid it on the counter. She took a deep breath, then took a drink. At first, she felt nothing. But after a few minutes, she felt sick. She fell to the floor, vomiting and convulsing. Then, everything went black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide is never the answer. If you're reading this right now and you're thinking about suicide, talk to someone. Call the suicide hotline. Help is out there. You're not alone. I know people say it all the time, but it really can't be said enough. Suicide is never the answer. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. I'll have more soon.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty short. I'm sorry if it feels rushed.

Phineas was sitting on the couch with Charity. They were having a peaceful morning. But all of a sudden, there was a frantic knock at the door.

 

“I’ll get it.” He said, getting up. As he walked to the door, the person knocked again. Whatever this was, it couldn't be good. The person started speaking as soon as he opened the door. 

 

“Phineas, you need to come to the hospital with me.” It was Phillip. He looked upset. 

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“It’s Jenny.” He told him. “She attempted suicide.”

 

“Oh God, no.” He instantly felt like he might vomit. He started to cry. 

 

Charity ran to the door.

 

“What’s going on?” She asked.

 

“Jenny attempted suicide. I found her this morning.” Phillip explained. “She’s still alive, but she’s unconscious.”

 

“Will she live?” Phineas asked, nervously.

 

“I’m not sure.” Phillip replied. “Before we go, Charity, I need you to hide this.”

 

Phillip took a pistol from his jacket.

 

“Why?”

 

“I found it on the ground in Jenny’s apartment.” He told them. “She didn’t use it to attempt suicide, but there was blood on the floor by the door and down the hallway and the stairs, and the gun is empty. James was nowhere to be found. I don’t know what happened, but I think she might have shot him. If she did, and if he’s dead, I don’t want her to be arrested and sent to prison for murder. Because as far as I’m concerned, James had it coming.”

 

“From what I've heard about him, I would agree.” Charity remarked. “I’ll hide it.”

 

“Thank you.” Phillip replied. “Now let’s get to the hospital.”

 

Phineas followed Phillip to the carriage. 

 

“So what exactly happened when you went to check on Jenny this morning?” Phineas asked.

 

“I knew something was wrong the moment I walked up the stairs and saw blood on the floor. The trail led to her apartment. Her door was locked, which is unusual. She usually leaves it unlocked for us. I knocked on the door, but there was no answer. Luckily, she had given me a spare key. When I got inside, I saw more blood on the floor. Taylor was on the floor in the kitchen, kneeling in front of Jenny, crying and screaming for her to wake up. There was a suicide note by her body. It said she was sorry and to take care of Taylor, although it wasn’t addressed to anyone in particular. There was an opened container of rat poison on the counter. I put the note and the gun in my pocket. I picked up Jenny and told Taylor to follow me. Then I took her to the hospital.”

 

“Oh my God,” Phineas had no idea what to say. “Do you still have the note?”

 

Phillip nodded and took the note out of his pocket.

 

“Do you want to read it?” Phineas nodded. 

 

The note absolutely broke his heart. It was a note from a broken, desperate woman. She tried so hard to do everything right, and still nothing turned out like she wanted it to. 

 

“Do you know what she’s talking about? About not being able to protect Taylor?”

 

“I think James did something to Taylor.” Phillip told him. “I asked Taylor what happened and she said that last night, James was hurting her and Jenny attacked him and kicked him out.”

 

“So Jenny saw him hurting Taylor, then she attacked him and shot him?”

 

“That’s what I think happened.” 

 

“Is James still alive?”

 

“I have no idea.” Phillip shook his head. “I hope not. He doesn’t deserve to be. He deserves to be rotting in Hell.” 

 

When they got to the hospital, the nurse took them to Jenny. It was the first time Phineas had actually seen her since he pushed her away. 

 

The nurse brought them chairs and left them with Jenny. Phineas sat down beside the bed and took Jenny’s hand. He started to cry. 

 

This was his fault. If he hadn’t abandoned her, if he hadn’t pushed her away, none of this would’ve happened. He could’ve helped her. He could’ve protected her. But he hadn’t. And now, she was asleep and might never wake up. 

 

Suddenly, he noticed the little girl. She had red hair just like Jenny. She sat on the bed sobbing. 

 

“Taylor hasn’t left Jenny’s side.” Phillip explained. “She refused.” 

 

She looked up at them when she heard her name. 

 

“Who are you?” She asked, in a tiny voice.

 

“Taylor, this is your father.” Phillip explained. “Your real father.”

 

“You’re my Daddy?”

 

“I am.” Phineas nodded. 

 

He looked into her eyes. One was cloudy, but the other looked just like his. He got up and walked around the bed to her. He sat down on the bed beside her and she crawled in his lap. He held her in his arms while she cried. He cried too. 

 

He had always hoped he would get to meet his daughter one day. He never imagined it would be like this. 

 

“Will Mama be okay?” She asked through her tears.

 

“I sure hope so.” 

 

*****

 

Jenny opened her eyes, confused. Where was she? How did she get here? She quickly realized she was in a hospital. And then, suddenly, it all came flooding back. The suicide attempt hadn’t worked. She closed her eyes, frustrated. 

 

She could feel the weight of other people on the bed. Then she heard a voice. She opened her eyes again. 

 

“Mama’s awake.” It was Taylor. “Daddy, Mama’s awake!”

 

“Thank God.” She thought she recognized the voice. But it couldn’t be him. He wouldn’t be here. But when she turned her head, he was there. 

 

“Ph-Phineas?” She called, tiredly. “What are you doing here?” 

 

“I want to help you.” He squeezed her hand.

 

“Why?” Everything he had said the last time she had asked him for help suddenly came flooding back. She let go of his hand. “Haven’t I ruined your life enough?”

 

Shame and guilt instantly crossed his face when she repeated his own words back to him. Reminded him of how cruelly he had pushed her away before.

 

“Jenny, I am so, so sorry.” He took her hand, this time pulling it to his chest. “I was panicked and confused. I was just trying to protect my own reputation. I wasn’t thinking about you, or our daughter, or anyone but myself. I’m so sorry that I abandoned you. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most. But I’m here now. And I promise I will never abandon you again. You’re my angel. I love you.”

 

She smiled up at him. He leaned down and kissed her. It was a kiss full of genuine love and care. Jenny hadn’t felt a kiss like that in years. She held on for as long as she could. 

 

Suddenly, a voice broke them apart. 

 

“Well, I leave for a few minutes and I miss Jenny waking up and reuniting with Phineas.” It was Phillip, walking into the room with a smile on his face. “I feel as though I should leave you two alone for a bit. You have a lot of catching up to do. Taylor, how would you like to go get ice cream?”

 

“Yes!” She chirped excitedly, jumping down from the bed, where she had been sitting next to Phineas. "Mama's awake!" She told Phillip excitedly.

 

"I see that." Phillip smiled. He took her hand and led her out of the room. 

 

Once they were gone, Phineas leaned down and kissed Jenny again. 

 

“I love you.” He told her.

 

“I love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was short, but I wanted to end the chapter on a happy note. Because the last few chapters have been anything but happy. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed that. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: self-harm, mentions of physical/sexual abuse

Four days passed. The poison had been flushed out of Jenny’s system. Much to Phineas’s relief, she would make a full recovery. She would be just fine. 

 

“The doctor says I can be released soon.” Jenny told him as he sat by her bed, holding her hand. 

 

“That’s wonderful.”

 

“It’s not as wonderful as you think.” She sighed. “I tried to take my own life. They think I’m insane. They’re going to send me off to some asylum and lock me up for the rest of my life.”

 

“They are not.”

 

“They are.” She insisted.

 

“Did they tell you that?”

 

“No, but-,”

 

“Then they’re not going to.” He cut her off. “Even if that’s what they want to do, I’m not going to let them.”

 

“Phineas, where will I go?” She asked. “I can’t go back to my apartment. James could still be out there somewhere.”

 

“You’ll come home with me.”

 

“Will Charity be alright with that?”

 

“Of course.” 

 

“How long can I stay with you?” 

 

“As long as you want.” He kissed her. “Whatever you need, I’m going to be there for you. And our daughter. And no matter what happens, I want to be a part of her life. And yours. I love you. I love you both.”

 

*****

 

After six days in the hospital, Jenny and Taylor left with Phineas and Phillip. They were first headed to her apartment so she could gather their things. She wasn’t particularly looking forward to going back. James could be there waiting for her. But she comforted herself with the thought that she had Phineas and Phillip to protect her.

 

James wasn’t there. And all of his things were gone, which either meant that he had come back and gotten them or someone had come and gotten them for him. She didn’t really care which. She was just relieved. It was highly unlikely he planned on coming back. And she was moving out of the apartment anyway. Once she was back on her feet, she and Taylor would find another apartment. One without so many bad memories attached to it. 

 

Once they were finished packing, they headed out to Phineas’s house. Phillip helped carry their things inside, but left afterwards to get ready for the circus, leaving Jenny and Taylor alone with the Barnums. Charity was kind and compassionate, and Helen greeted them warmly, but Caroline seemed hostile. Jenny wondered why. She remembered that as a little girl, Caroline had been so excited to meet her. What happened?

 

At first, things ran fairly smoothly, but at dinner, things got awkward fast.  

 

“I don’t get why we have to let them stay with us.” Caroline remarked, as if Jenny and Taylor weren't sitting at the table with them.

 

“Caroline, don’t be rude.” Charity reprimanded. 

 

“Well, just because the whore drank rat poison doesn’t mean she has to move in with us.” Jenny realized that Caroline must have found out what happened on the tour. 

 

“Caroline!” Charity snapped. “I will not have you speaking to our guests that way.”

 

“She’s not a guest!” Caroline shouted. “She’s Dad’s mistress!”

 

Jenny wanted to get up and leave. What the hell was she doing here? She had already almost torn this family apart once. Now here she was doing it again. 

 

“Caroline, knock it off!” Charity yelled. 

 

“But-,”

 

“Caroline, stop.” Phineas cut her off. “Jenny is staying with us because she can’t be on her own right now. And she needs help taking care of her daughter, who happens to be your sister. So I expect you to treat them with kindness and respect.”

 

“Respect?” Caroline rolled her eyes. She turned to glare at Jenny. “What exactly have you done to earn my respect? You slept with my father and almost destroyed our family.”

 

“Caroline, that’s enough.” Charity said sharply. “Either knock it off or go to your room.”

 

“Fine.” Caroline got up. “But let’s be perfectly clear. That whore is not worthy of my kindness or respect and that little brat is not my sister.”

 

Caroline turned and stormed out of the room. For a moment, everyone sat in stunned silence. It was Jenny who broke it.

 

“Phineas, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.” She started to cry. “I should go.”

 

“Jenny, you have nowhere else to go.” Phineas replied. “Caroline figured out what happened a few weeks ago. She’s been resentful of me and now she’s taking it out on you. But she’ll come around. Just give her time.”

 

“I don’t want to create more problems than I already have.” Jenny sighed. “I appreciate your kindness, but I’ve already hurt your family enough. And I think my being here is just going to cause more hurt. You don’t deserve that.”

 

“Jenny, you’re the one whose life fell apart after the tour.” Charity told her. “You need help. And we’re going to be here for you.”

 

After dinner, Phineas helped Jenny settle into her room, while Taylor went with Helen and Charity. Helen had agreed to let Taylor sleep in her room, since she and Caroline had separate rooms now.

 

Once they got settled in, they went back downstairs to the sitting room. The adults talked while Helen played with Taylor. Phineas and Charity were clearly determined to make Jenny feel welcome in their home, especially after what happened with Caroline. 

 

That night, Phineas came to check on Jenny before she went to bed. She was sitting on her bed crying, with her knife in her hand, slitting her wrists.

 

“Oh God, Jenny, stop.” He sat down beside her and pried the knife from her hand. He put the knife in his pocket. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

 

He led her to the bathroom, where he cleaned her arms and bandaged them. Then he led her back to her bedroom.

 

“You know, I bought that knife the same day I told you I was pregnant.” She told him as they sat back down on the bed. She leaned her head on his shoulder and he put his arm around her.

 

“Jenny, I am so sorry.” He replied softly. “About everything.”

 

“It’s alright, Phineas.” She sighed. “I should get to sleep.”

 

She climbed into bed and Phineas tucked her in. She smiled. She hadn’t been tucked into bed since she was a child, and that had only happened a few times. 

 

He leaned down and kissed her.

 

“Goodnight, angel.” He whispered. “I love you.”

 

“Goodnight. I love you too.” He started to leave, but she stopped him. “Phineas,” she called softly. He turned around. “Can you stay with me?”

 

“Of course, love.”

 

He climbed into bed next to her and took her in his arms. She cuddled up next to him. 

 

She decided it was time to tell him what had happened to her after the tour. She knew he wanted to know, but he was too scared to ask. He was waiting for her to bring it up. 

 

“After I quit the tour, I went back to New York for a few days before going back to Sweden.” She started. “I went to visit my parents. They weren’t exactly pleased to see me, especially considering what you had told the papers about me had long since made its way overseas. My mother opened the door and we got into an argument. Then she screamed at me and hit me a few times. Then my father came downstairs. He said I needed to be taught a lesson in respect. Then he took me upstairs to his room and raped me.”

 

“Oh God, Jenny. That’s awful.” He held her a little tighter. “I’m so sorry.” 

 

“No one in Europe wanted anything to do with me and I had nothing left there.” She continued. “So I came back to New York. You were my last hope. But you pushed me away.”

 

“Jenny, I’m sorry.” She could hear the guilt in his voice. He started to cry. 

 

“I stayed here because I had nowhere else to go.” She explained. “One night I went out to see the circus, which is how I met Phillip, Anne, and Lettie. After Taylor was born, I had to get a job. I became a prostitute because I didn’t know what else I could do. I only told Lettie. She wasn’t happy about it and tried several times to talk me out of it, but she agreed to watch Taylor while I worked. I was miserable doing it, but I made decent money. That’s how I met James. He started out as a client, but we both realized immediately that there was chemistry between us. At first, he was great. But then he moved in with me after he lost his job, and things went downhill fast. He screamed at me and beat me almost everyday. But I stayed with him. I was actually engaged to him when, um, when things ended.”

 

“Jenny, what exactly happened before you,” he trailed off.

 

“Before I tried to kill myself?” She finished his sentence. “I came home from work early the night before. I heard Taylor screaming for help, and James trying to keep her quiet. When I walked in the bedroom, she was naked and he was molesting her. I attacked him and got him off her. I ran to the sitting room and grabbed his gun. I shot him three times at first, then a fourth when I was trying to get him to leave, and a fifth as he ran down the hallway. That night, I realized I just couldn’t do it anymore. Taylor was the only reason I hadn’t killed myself years ago. I tried so hard to protect her, but she still got hurt. If I couldn’t even be a good mother to her, what was the point? So I opened the kitchen cupboard and drank rat poison.”

 

“Jenny, do you know if James had ever molested Taylor before that?” He asked.

 

“I’m not sure.” She replied. “It wouldn’t surprise me. I came home early that night, so he could have been doing it when he knew I was still working.” She paused. “Phineas, what if James is still out there? Just waiting to find me and get his revenge?”

 

“If he ever tries to hurt you again, I’ll protect you.” He promised. “I’m so sorry for all the hurt I caused you. If I had just stayed with you, none of this would have happened.”

 

“It’s alright, Phineas.” She told him. “I forgive you. I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure why I turned Caroline into a bitchy teenager, it just kind of happened ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> We're getting to the end here. There's only a couple more chapters left. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed that. I'll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s kind of a lot going on in this chapter, including the first sex scene in a while

The next morning, Phineas woke up with Jenny in his arms instead of Charity. It felt a little strange after all these years, but it felt right. He really had missed falling asleep next to her. He had almost forgotten the details. The way her body felt pressed up against him. The sound of her breathing. The way her beautiful face looked so at peace. But he hadn’t forgotten how holding her in his arms made him feel. He could never forget that.

For awhile, he just laid there, watching her sleep, admiring how gorgeous she looked in the morning light. Suddenly, her eyes fluttered open.

“Good morning, love.” He smiled.

“Good morning, Phineas.” She gave a small yawn. “I slept better last night than I had in years. Since,” she trailed off.

“I really am sorry.” He told her. “About everything.”

“It’s alright.”

“No, it’s not alright, Jenny.” He insisted. “I abandoned you when you needed me most.”

“But you’re here now.” She replied. “And that’s all that matters to me.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

He kissed her, and for awhile, they held on. Until they were interrupted by a small sob. Phineas turned over to see Charity standing in the doorway, crying.

“Oh God.” He muttered. He got out of bed and walked over to her. She turned and walked away from him. “Charity,”

Charity didn’t respond. She just kept walking. He grabbed her arm and stopped her.

“Charity, please talk to me.”

“I don’t know what to say.” She cried.

“Chairy, I love you.”

“But you love her.” She argued. “I just heard you tell her that. So who are you lying to?”

“I’m not lying to either of you.” He pulled her into his arms.

“How can you honestly say you love both of us?” She asked. “I still sometimes wonder if you love anyone but yourself.”

“Charity, I know this is a giant mess, but we’ll figure it out.” He kissed her. “Please know that I love you. And no matter what happens, I am never leaving you.”

“How can you say you’ll never leave me when you already have? I knew you would leave me the moment Jenny walked back into your life. But I encouraged it because I love you and I want you to be happy. I thought I would be alright if you left me. But I’m not.”

“I’m not leaving you, Chairy, and I mean that.” He insisted.

“I wish I could believe that.”

Charity walked back to her bedroom. His bedroom. But would it still be his bedroom? Or would he share a bed with Jenny? He didn’t know. He didn’t know anything. All he knew was that he had fallen in love with two women, and that it had created a mess that he had no idea how to sort out.

*****

Jenny laid in bed and started to cry. Phineas had just gotten out of bed and walked out, without a word to her. He had walked out to comfort Charity. Probably to tell her that he didn’t really love Jenny. To tell her that he loved her. She thought she heard him tell Charity he wasn’t leaving her. Jenny had never expected him to leave his wife. She didn’t even think she wanted him to do that. She just wanted him to love her. And he told her he did. But he told Charity the same thing. So who was he lying to? A nagging voice in Jenny’s head said it was her.

Of course he was lying when he told her he loved her. He could never truly love someone like her. She was just an ugly little wretch. She was a fucking disaster of a woman. She had once been the most famous singer in the world, but her troubles had taken over her life. She’d gotten lost in her own dreams, and it had been her own foolish mistakes that had brought her back down to reality. And her fall from grace ruined her life.

Perhaps this would be a reason Phineas would love her. After all, he had once been just as lost in his dreams as her. And that was when they had fallen in love. But when he came crashing back down to reality, he hadn’t let it ruin him. He’d had Charity there to lift him back up. Because she was everything Jenny could never be. She was kind, caring, beautiful, and endlessly compassionate. Even to some poor, tortured souls like Phineas and Jenny. Charity was perfect. Jenny was endlessly flawed. So of course when it came down to it, he had chosen Charity over her, leaving her with no one but her own demons. And he would do it again. Because he didn’t love her. He loved Charity.

*****

After an awkward breakfast, Phineas went upstairs to change out of his pajamas. When he came back downstairs, another argument had broken out, this time between Caroline and Jenny. Jenny was distraught and crying, while Caroline was incensed. They were screaming at each other. Taylor was sitting in the corner sobbing, while Charity held her in her arms, comforting her. Helen simply stood there in shock, watching the scene unfold in front of her. None of them seemed to notice him come down the stairs.

“You hurt my daughter!” Jenny accused.

“The stupid brat deserved it!” Caroline screamed at Jenny.

“She didn’t mean to do it!” Jenny yelled back. “She’s three, you little psycho!”

“Oh, I’m the psycho? I’m not the insane whore who tried to destroy a family then drank rat poison! And it’s not my fault that your little brat is going to turn out to be a psychotic bitch like her mother!”

Jenny didn’t reply. Instead, she attacked Caroline, throwing her to the floor. She climbed on top of her and punched her in the face, over and over again. At this point, Phineas had to intervene. He ran over and dragged Jenny off of Caroline.

“She attacked me!” Caroline cried, getting off the floor.

“What the hell happened down here?” He asked them.

“Taylor accidentally tripped Caroline.” Jenny explained frantically. “Then Caroline pulled Taylor by her hair and threw her  against the wall and tried to choke her. I dragged her off of her. Then you saw what happened next.”

Phineas sighed. He had figured Caroline was going to have issues with Jenny and Taylor being here, but this was out of control.

“Caroline, come with me.” He told her sternly. “We really need to talk about this.”

“But she-,”

“Don’t argue with me.” He cut her off. “Come on.”

She was still visibly angry, but she didn’t argue further. He led her out the front door and sat down with her on the steps.

“Caroline, I know you’re still angry about what happened on the tour.” He started. “But please do not take it out on Jenny and Taylor. What happened four years ago wasn’t Jenny’s fault. And what’s going on right now isn’t her fault either. Everything is my fault. Jenny has been through more in her life than you can possibly imagine. She needed me to be there for her. I could have just been her friend, but I made the choice to be more than that. I didn’t choose to fall in love with her, but I did choose to act on it. I made a conscious decision to start an affair with her. And when I found out she was pregnant, I made the conscious decision to push her away and ruin her life, rather than deal with the consequences of my own actions. I ruined her life, and now I have to fix it. You have every right to be angry with me for cheating on your mother. But don’t be mad at Jenny. And don’t take it out on her or your sister. They’ve been through enough.”

“I’m sorry.” Caroline muttered. “I shouldn’t have been mean to them. But Jenny almost took you away from us. And I’ve been scared she’ll do it again.”

“No one is ever going to take me away from you.” He reassured her. For a moment, they sat in silence. Caroline looked like she had a lot to say, but for once, she wasn’t saying any of it. “What’s going on in that head of yours, Caroline? Whatever it is, you can tell me. That’s why we’re out here. To talk through this.”

“I just don’t understand how Mom forgave you.” She remarked. “You slept with another woman. You fathered her child.”

“I don’t even understand how she forgave me.” He replied. “But I know why. Because she loves me. And she knows I love her. And she knows I love you and Helen.”

“Do you love Taylor?”

“Of course I do. She’s my daughter.”

“Do you love Jenny?”

“I do.” He confessed.

“Are you gonna leave Mom?”

“No. I could never leave your mother. I love her.”

“But you just said you love Jenny.”

“I know.”

“So what are you gonna do?” She asked. “What’s gonna happen now?”

“I have no idea.” He shook his head. “What I do know is that I love you and Helen very much, and whatever happens, I will always be here for you.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.” He smiled at her. “So are we good now?”

“Yeah.” She smiled back. “We’re good.”

“Good. So I expect you to treat Jenny and Taylor with kindness now.” He told her. “Remember, Taylor is just as much your sister as Helen.”

“I know.” She agreed. “You know, Taylor’s actually kind of cute.”

Phineas laughed.

“I know. I have three very cute daughters. And none of them got it from me.” He rustled Caroline’s hair like he used to when she was little. She giggled. “Come on. Let’s get back inside.”

*****

The rest of the day, things settled down. Caroline had apologized to Jenny and Taylor for how she treated them.

That night, Phineas came into her bedroom to say goodnight. Jenny was sitting in a chair by the window, staring out sadly.

She couldn’t stop thinking about that morning. About Charity. The look on her face as she stood in the doorway. The sound of her soft sobs. She was such a sweet, perfect woman. She didn’t want to cause her any more pain than she already had.

Phineas loved Charity, and Jenny thought maybe she should leave him alone. She loved him, but he didn’t love her quite the same way. How could he?

“Jenny,” Phineas called softly, pulling her out of her thoughts. “Are you alright?”

“Of course.” She forced a smile as he walked over to her.

“Are you sure?” He knelt down beside her and took her hand. “You look sad.”

“I’ve just been thinking.” She told him.

“About what?”

“You. And Charity.” She looked back out the window. “I know you love her. I’m not trying to take you away from her. I would never want that. You love her and she loves you. You should be together.”

“Jenny, what do you mean?” He turned her face back to his.

“You don’t love me.” She replied. “You can’t possibly. You have Charity. But that’s okay with me.”

“Jenny, I do love Charity.” He squeezed her hand. “But I love you just as much.”

“You don’t have to lie to me, Phin-,”

He cut her off with a kiss. She latched on desperately. The kiss quickly grew deeper and more passionate.

He stood up, pulling her up with him. They began undressing each other as he guided them toward the bed. When they were naked, he laid her down and started rubbing her gently.

“Phineas,” she moaned.

“It’s been far too long since we last made love.” He remarked.

“Yes,” She agreed. She gasped as he put one finger inside her, then another. He leaned down and kissed her again.

“Are you sure you want this, love?” He asked, removing his fingers.

“I’m sure.” She smiled.

He kissed her again. She gasped as he entered her. She had forgotten just how much she loved having him inside her. She’d had countless other men since she was last with him, but none of them could compare. Because those men were only having sex with her. But Phineas actually made love to her. His touch and his kiss were passionate, but gentle and loving. He cared about her pleasure, not just his own.

“Jenny,” he moaned into her mouth.

“Phineas,” she moaned back. His lips moved from her lips and down her jawline and her neck.

“God, I love you. I missed this so much.” He told her, thrusting a little harder. “Your kiss. Your touch. Your body. The way you feel. The sound of your little moans and gasps.”

“Fuck, I,” She tried to reply, but she was lost in pleasure. “I, fuck, Phineas, I love you.”

“God, you sound like an angel.” He bit softly on her neck, eliciting another moan from Jenny. “You look like one too.”

“Phineas,” she moaned a little louder as his lips moved down her neck.

“You are an angel.” He moved back up to her face. “You’re my angel.”

His lips met hers again. They moaned into each other’s mouths as they finished.

When they were done, he rolled off her and she cuddled up next to him.

“That was amazing.” She told him.

“It was.” He agreed. He kissed her softly. “You’re amazing. You’re a kind, beautiful, incredible woman. You’re my angel. And I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently Hugh Jackman and Rebecca Ferguson are going to star in another movie together. Sadly it has nothing to do with P.T. and Jenny, but it still sounds interesting.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that. There’s only 2 chapters left. I’ll have more soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	31. Chapter 31

The next morning, Phineas woke up with Jenny in his arms again. This time, they were both naked. But she still looked just as beautiful. He planted a soft kiss in her hair. Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled.

“Good morning, angel.” He kissed her.

“Good morning.” She kissed him back. “Last night was incredible.”

“It was.” He agreed. “We should do it more often.”

“How about right now?” She suggested. Her voice sent a wave of arousal through him, and the look in her eyes multiplied it.

“You don’t have to ask me twice.”

He kissed her, passionately as he reached a hand between her legs. She moaned into his mouth, and he had to have her right now. He rolled on top of her and they made love again. It was just as amazing as the night before.

When they finished, they got out of bed and got dressed. Jenny went to check on Taylor and Phineas went to see Charity. She was sitting at her vanity, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Charity, honey, what’s wrong?” He kneeled down beside her.

“I saw you and Jenny last night.” She told him. She started to cry again. “I went to her room to see if you were there and you were making love to her. Telling her how beautiful she is and how much you love her. I should have just walked away, but I couldn’t. I stood there, watching.”

“Charity, I-,” He didn’t even know how to reply.

“And as I watched, I couldn’t help but wish I was in her position.” She continued. “I wished you were making me moan like you made her. I wished you were moaning my name like you moaned hers.”

“I-I’m sorry,” he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“No you’re not. And I’m not asking you to be.” She got up from the vanity. “Why don’t you go downstairs and eat breakfast or something?”

“Charity-,”

“Just go, Phin.”

*****

That afternoon, Jenny went down to the circus with Phineas. She hadn’t seen Phillip, Anne, and Lettie since she left the hospital, and she was looking forward to catching up with them. Taylor stayed home with Charity and her sisters. They had all decided it was important for Caroline and Helen to bond with their younger sister.

Lettie ran up to Jenny and hugged her as soon as she saw her.

“Jenny, oh my God, it’s so good to see you!” She exclaimed. “How are you doing?”

“I’m doing alright.” Jenny smiled. “I’m doing better now that I have Phineas.”

“Are you two going to get back together?”

“I’m not sure.” She replied. “It’s complicated. We kind of already are. I mean, we slept together last night and this morning, but he’s still with Charity.”

“Is he going to leave her?” Lettie asked.

“I don’t think so.” Jenny shook her head. “And honestly, I wouldn’t want him to. I’m not trying to break up their family. And I know he’s still in love with Charity. He insists he’s in love with both of us. I don’t know how true that is.”

“This sounds complicated.”

“It is.”

“How’s Taylor?”

“She’s doing alright.” Jenny told her. “Caroline is still mad at Phineas for cheating on Charity, and at first she was taking it out on us. But she seems to be accepting Taylor better now.”

“That’s good.” Lettie squeezed her hand. “You two have been through so much. You deserve to be happy. And safe.”

Jenny spent a few hours at the circus. It felt good to catch up with her friends. She watched their rehearsal from the stands with Phineas. She loved watching them perform, but it made her miss the stage. She hadn’t performed since the tour. Her music career was over. She had done her best to move on with her life, but watching her friends perform made her wish she could too.

“Jenny, are you alright?” Phineas asked. “You look sad.”

“I miss singing.” She explained. “I miss performing.”

“I’m sure we could find a way for you to perform again if you want.” He replied. “There’s tons of theatres in New York. Surely at least one would let you perform.”

“But I don’t have any connections in the industry anymore. And I can’t just walk into a theatre and say I want to perform here.”

“I’m sure Phillip and I can come up with something.” He smiled.

“Phineas, what theatre is going to want me to sing there?” She asked. “I’m just some scandalized, ruined singer.”

“You’re not just any scandalized singer. You’re Jenny Lind. You’re the Swedish Nightingale. Four years ago, you were the most famous singer in the world. There are people who would still pay good money to hear you sing. We’ll figure out something.”

*****

Phineas spent the rest of the day thinking about finding a way for Jenny to perform again. As optimistic as he tried to be to her face, deep down he knew she might be right. There might not be a theatre that would want her to perform after her scandal. He hoped everyone had forgotten about it. After all, four years had passed. But there was always a chance that they would remember. She might not be able to get her career back.

That night, he sat on the couch next to Charity, lost in thought. Jenny was upstairs putting Taylor to bed.

“Phineas, are you alright?” Charity asked, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“I’m fine. Just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Jenny really wants to perform again, but she’s worried no theatre will let her, and honestly I’m kind of worried myself.”

“Why don’t you worry about that later?” She asked with an edge of seductiveness to her voice.

“And do what instead?” She kissed him.

“I don’t know.” She crawled in his lap. “How about something that will distract you from your worries?”

He kissed her back, and it quickly grew more passionate. When they started to undress each other, she pulled away.

“Why don’t we take this upstairs?” She suggested.

He didn’t reply. He just picked her up and started kissing her again. He carefully carried her up the stairs while they made out. When they got to their bedroom, he closed the door behind him while she started undressing him. He laid her down on the bed and finished undressing her.

“God, you’re beautiful.” He told her as he finished undressing himself. He crawled on top of her and kissed her again while he teased her. She moaned.

When he finally entered her, she gasped. He made love to her more passionately than he had in a long time.

“Charity,” he moaned into her mouth. “I love you so much.”

“Fuck, Phin, I love you too.” She replied.

When they finished, he rolled off her and took her in his arms.

“Phineas, do you really promise that you’ll never leave me?” She asked.

“I promise.” He squeezed her a little tighter. “I could never leave you. I love you. And I always will.”

*****

Jenny cried herself to sleep that night. Phineas didn’t even come in to say goodnight to her. It was probably because he didn’t love her. He didn’t care about her, no matter how much he pretended to.

She felt the urge to cut herself, but he had taken her knife. And she had thought that was okay, because if she had him, she didn’t need it. But she knew she would never truly have him. He was in love with Charity, not her. And all she was doing here was disrupting a perfectly happy family.

She decided that night that she should leave as soon as possible. She couldn’t stay with the Barnums anymore. Phineas wanted to be with Charity, and she wasn’t going to force emotions out of him that he just didn’t have. He could still be part of Taylor’s life, but that would be it. There would be no kind of relationship between him and Jenny.

The next morning, she woke up to a kiss on her forehead and a light shake of her shoulder.

“Wake up, love.” She opened her eyes to see Phineas kneeling beside the bed.

“Don’t call me that.” She replied.

“Jenny, I-,” he instantly seemed to know what was wrong.

“You didn’t even come say goodnight to me.”

“I was with Charity.”

“I know that.” She spat, sitting up. “Do you think I couldn’t put that together on my own?”

“No, that’s not-,” he sighed. “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t say goodnight to you, but I’m not going to apologize for sleeping with my wife.”

“I’m not asking you to.” Jenny shook her head. “I’m just asking you to stop pretending you love me when you don’t.”

“I do love you, Jenny.” He tried to take her hand, but she pulled it away. “I know this is complicated, but I really do love you. I’m not pretending.”

“How am I supposed to believe that?” She asked, tears welling up in her eyes.

“Jenny, why don’t you meet me in the sitting room after breakfast?”

“Why?”

“You, me, and Charity are going to sit down and talk this out. We are going to figure out some kind of solution to all this. Because this constant drama and uncertainty isn’t good for any of us.”

“Fine.” Jenny agreed. She already knew what she was going to say, but she didn’t tell him yet.

After breakfast, they sent the girls upstairs and went to the sitting room. Phineas insisted Jenny and Charity sat on the couch, while he sat in a chair across from them.

“First of all, I would like to apologize to both of you.” He started. “I have caused both of you a lot of hurt, and I never meant to do that. I love you both so much, and neither of you seem to understand that. I know this is a complicated situation, and it’s not one any of us ever envisioned ourselves in. But we have to figure this out. Because I can’t be with one of you without hurting the other, and I’m tired of hurting you.”

“I have a solution.” Jenny spoke up. “I should leave. I’ll be fine on my own. I promise I’ll get a different job and I’ll be more careful. I can’t stay here anymore. You two have a beautiful family, and I can’t destroy that.”

“You are not leaving.” Phineas objected. “There’s no way you’re ready to be on your own again. And even if you were, that’s not what I want.”

“That’s not what I want either.” Charity told her. “I do care about you. I want you and Taylor to be safe. And to be honest, I really enjoy having Taylor around. She’s so sweet, and it’s nice to have a little girl around here again.”

“Do you really want me here?”

“Yes, I do.” Charity. “And I have a solution of my own. I know I still love Phineas, and I think he still loves me. And I know he loves you and you love him. I can’t let him leave me, but I can’t let him leave you either. So, what if we were in an open relationship?”

“What do you mean?” Phineas asked.

“The two of us are still married, and still in an active relationship, but we are both free to be with other people. So you are free to be with Jenny, and if a man were to come along who I was interested in, I would be free to be with him.”

“Are you sure you’re alright with that?” Phineas asked her.

“Yes.” She nodded. “Would that be alright with you, Jenny?”

“Of course.” Jenny agreed, a little stunned that Charity was alright with Phineas sleeping with another woman.

“Obviously it’s alright with me.” Phineas smiled.

“Thank you,” Jenny turned to Charity. “I don’t even know where to begin, I-,”

“It’s alright, Jenny.” Charity took her hand. “I want you to be happy. And if you need to be with Phin for that to happen, then it’s alright with me. You’ve been through so much. You deserve to be happy.”

Charity pulled Jenny closer and hugged her. Jenny cried into her shoulder. But they weren’t tears of sadness. They were tears of joy. And Jenny couldn’t remember the last time that had happened. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God, there’s only one chapter left. I literally can’t believe I wrote this entire thing in like 3 months. I have never written anything this fast before. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that. I’ll have the last chapter out soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: unbearable fluff and happiness because this is the last chapter :)

A month had passed. Things were beginning to calm down again. Everyone seemed to be adjusting well to the new arrangement. Caroline and Helen had both completely accepted Taylor as their sister, and Charity and Jenny were quickly becoming friends. They weren’t a traditional family, but they were a family nonetheless.

Phineas had heard that James Milton’s body had been found in the alley behind an apartment building. The lead suspect in the police’s investigation was a coworker of James’s who lived in the apartment building. Apparently, they were once friends, but they had gotten into some kind of fight shortly before James’s death. To Phineas’s knowledge, Jenny’s name had never come up in the investigation, and he prayed it never would. He had never even told her James was dead. She had enough issues without having to deal with the guilt of killing someone, even if it had been to protect her daughter.

Jenny had actually started working with Phineas and Phillip at the circus. She was a vocal coach. She had initially argued that the circus troupe didn’t need a vocal coach, but they were eager to have her. And she felt like she needed a job. So a job at the circus was a natural fit for her. She still wanted to perform, though. Phineas and Phillip had spent a lot of hours in meetings with theatre owners. There were a few that he thought might actually let her perform, but he was waiting until he got some kind of confirmation from one of the owners to tell her.

Phineas was on his way home from work. He had told Jenny to go home before him. He told her he was staying late to work on some extra paperwork. He was actually out getting a surprise for Jenny.

The jealousy between Jenny and Charity had passed. They understood that he truly was in love with both of them. But Jenny was still struggling with depression. Phineas knew she always would, no matter how good of a place in her life she was in. And on the nights he spent with Charity, he knew she was lonely. She had a hard time sleeping. So he got her something to help with her loneliness. He hoped she'd like it.

“Jenny!” He called when he got inside.

“She’s upstairs playing with Taylor.” Charity told him from the couch.

“Come with me.” He told her. “I have a surprise for her.”

She got off the couch and turned around. She gasped when she saw what he was holding in his arms.

“Oh my God, it’s adorable!”

“Shh.” He motioned for her to be quiet as he led her up the stairs.

He knocked on the door to Taylor and Helen’s room before.

“Who is it?” Jenny called.

“It’s me. I have a surprise for you.” He replied. “Everyone close your eyes.”

“Alright.”

“Are they closed?”

“Yes.”

He opened the door and walked in the room.

“Alright. Open your eyes.” He smiled. All three of their faces lit up when they opened their eyes.

“Mommy, it’s a kitty!” Taylor exclaimed excitedly.

“Oh my God, I love it.” Jenny crossed the room to take the cat from his arms. It was a small, calico cat with green eyes.

“Her name is Aster.” He told her. “She was the prettiest cat they had. I named her after the New England Asters. Your favorite flower.”

“I can’t believe you still remember those flowers from the tour.” Jenny remarked. “And she’s beautiful. I love her. I’ve always wanted a pet. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, love.” He kissed her.

“Mommy, can I pet her?” Taylor asked.

“Of course, sweetheart.” She knelt down so Taylor could reach her. “But be gentle.”

Phineas’s heart soared seeing them so happy. All he wanted was to love them and care for him. He was so glad he could finally make them part of his family. He could finally be there to take care of them and keep them safe. He could finally give them the life they deserved.

*****

 That night, Phineas slept with Charity, but Jenny still slept just fine, cuddled up to Aster. She was adorable, and it was nice to have something to help her feel less alone. She had always wanted a pet, but her parents had never let her get one. And after she moved out, she didn’t feel like she could take proper care of herself, let alone an animal. Besides, she’d had bigger problems in her life. But now, she finally felt like she might be in a good enough place in her life to be able to have a cat.

The next day, Phineas gave her another surprise after dinner. She was in the sitting room with Charity and Phineas, reading, when he suddenly spoke up.

“Jenny, I have good news for you.” He told her. “You remember the theatre you performed your first concert here at? The owner has agreed to let you perform again. It’s one night, but this could be exactly what you need to get your career going again.”

“Oh my God, Phineas, are you serious?” She was stunned. She knew Phineas and Phillip had been trying their hardest to find a way for her to perform again, but she never thought they’d really be able to come through.

“One hundred percent serious.” He smiled. “If it works for you, the concert will be six weeks from Friday, which gives us plenty of time for preparation, as well as advertising.”

“I can’t believe it.” Jenny felt like she might cry. “I honestly never thought I would get to perform again. I thought the scandal had ruined my career forever.”

“It took a lot of convincing and a lot of work, but I had to make this happen for you.” He replied. “I was the one who ruined your career. I had to fix it.”

“Thank you so much.” She got up and hugged him.

“You’re welcome, angel.” He kissed her.

Charity got up and walked over to her. She smiled and pulled her into a hug.

“Congratulations, Jenny.” She told her. “You deserve this.”

Jenny pulled out of the hug, but Charity didn’t quite let go of her. Instead, she leaned in again and kissed her. Jenny was shocked, and was even more shocked to find herself kissing her back. She had never kissed another woman before, but she enjoyed it.

Neither of them really knew what to say when they pulled away. Jenny turned her head to see Phineas sitting in his chair, seemingly just as stunned as they were.

“Well, I’m glad to see you two really like each other.” He remarked, with a small laugh. Charity blushed.

“I-I don’t know what came over me, I just-,”

Jenny cut her off with another kiss. This time, the kiss quickly grew deeper and more passionate. Charity started to unzip Jenny’s dress, but then pulled away. She fixed Jenny with what was quite possibly the sexiest stare she had ever seen in her life. If Charity had told her to take off her clothes and let her fuck her on the floor, she would have agreed in a heartbeat.

“Why don’t we take this upstairs?” She asked, seductively.

“I’d like that.” Jenny replied with a smile.

“Can I join you, or would that be weird?” Phineas asked. They both laughed.

“Of course you can join us.” Charity invited. The three of them made their way up to the bedroom.

*****

Another six weeks passed. Phineas’s relationship with Charity and Jenny has transitioned from an open relationship to a polyamorous one. They were all happy together. Charity and Jenny now said they loved each other, as well as Phineas.

Tonight was the night of Jenny’s concert. Phineas was with Jenny in her dressing room. Charity had already kissed her and wished her good luck. She had gone to take her seat with the girls.

Phineas was holding Jenny to comfort her. She was nervous. He hadn’t seen her this nervous since the first time he saw her perform.

He remembered that first concert. He remembered the way she was looking in the mirror that night. The way she talked about herself. He didn’t know then what her problem was. But he did now. He knew about all her demons. And he was just as determined as ever to help her fight them off.

“I have to go on soon.” She said. “What if I’m terrible? What if they hate me? What if-,”

“Jenny, stop.” He cut her off. “You’ll do amazing.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes.” He kissed her. “Now, I think it’s time for you to go on.”

“Alright.”

“You really will do great.” He told her. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Jenny did incredible, and the crowd loved her. Just like Phineas knew would happen. Her voice was just as amazing as it had been four years ago. Four years ago, during that first concert, was when he had really started to fall in love with her. He hadn’t known he loved her then, but he knew it now. And he would never let her doubt it again.

*****

Jenny was terrified as she stepped onstage. She thought she had wanted this, but now that the moment had arrived, she wasn’t sure she could do it. But as soon as she started to sing, all her nerves disappeared. And she remembered exactly how much she loved performing.

She ended her concert with Never Enough. The words meant more to her now than they ever had. She remembered singing this song at her first concert in New York. Then, she sang the lyrics to Phineas, only wishing he could really be hers someday. When she sang it in Cincinnati, she had lost all hope of that happening. But now, he really was hers. And she knew for a fact that she wouldn’t want whatever success she could gain now if she didn’t have him by her side.

At the end of the concert, Phineas stepped onstage to bow with her. She hadn’t expected him to do anything more than take her hand while the audience applauded. But when they came back up from their bow, he pulled her in and kissed her. She kissed back instinctively, but as soon as she remembered where they were, she pulled away in shock.

“Phineas, what are you doing?”

“Jenny, I love you and I don’t care who knows it.” He smiled and kissed her again, and this time, she held on.

At the reception, most people were complimentary towards Jenny, and congratulated her on her return to the stage. Some people gave Phineas and Jenny looks of suspicion, and gave Charity looks of pity. But Phineas and Charity didn’t seem phased by it, and Jenny tried not to be either. Phineas and Charity were both very outwardly affectionate toward Jenny, which comforted her, although she was still worried about people’s reactions. But Phineas and Charity didn’t seem to care, and she tried her best to push her worries aside.

Besides, it was the circus troupe who were attracting the most disgusted looks. They had been invited to attend the reception as well as the concert this time. There was no way that Phineas and Jenny were going to let them be shut away during the reception again just to make the upper class guests more comfortable.

During Phineas’s toast, he told Jenny he loved her in front of everybody, and when he finished his speech, he kissed her again. Jenny was able to return the sentiment during her own toast.

After the toast, a middle aged woman approached Charity, and although Jenny stayed away from them, she was close enough to hear what they were saying.

“Don’t you take issue with your husband kissing another woman and telling her he loves her?” She asked, with a look of judgement and scorn.

“No.” Charity replied with a smile. “Why would I? I love her too.”

“I don’t understand.” The woman looked confused. Charity just laughed and walked over to Jenny. She pulled her in and kissed her. When they pulled away, they looked back at the woman, who was staring at them in shock and horror. Several people were, but Charity didn’t seem to care, and Jenny didn’t either.

Another woman came up to Jenny, just as horrified as the others.

“I don’t understand how someone like you can not only associate with the circus, but also be in a relationship with a married couple.” She remarked in horror. “Just think of what people will say when they find out.”

“Let them talk.” Jenny replied. “I’m done letting what people say run my life. Some in the upper classes may not be so accepting, but people want to hear me sing. And that’s what matters.”

She walked away to where Phineas was standing, watching the conversation.

“That was a fantastic response.” He smiled at her. “And you were one hundred percent correct when you said that people still wanted to hear you sing. In fact, just a few minutes ago, I got an offer from the leader of an orchestra. He wants to tour with you.”

“Are you serious?” Jenny was stunned.

“Completely.” He told her. “So what should I tell him? Will you do it?”

“Only if you come with me.”

“As if I would let it happen any other way.” He replied. “Actually, I was thinking we could take Charity and the girls with us.”

“I would love that.”

That night, Jenny’s thoughts swirled as they rode home in the carriage. Tonight was the beginning of a brand new chapter in her life. A chapter full of love and happiness. This was all she had ever wanted. She had never thought she would truly find love. But she had. She had a family that loved her, and real friends there to support her. She had a beautiful, wonderful daughter, and amazing people to raise her with. All her success before hadn’t seemed to matter much. She’d had no one to share it with. But now she did.

Four years earlier, Jenny was just a lost, broken dreamer. But one lost dreamer had met another. And now, they had found their way together.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS DONE!!!! This is so bittersweet for me. I literally can’t believe this is finished. Thank you all so much for reading and for all your comments and kudos. It means so much to me and it makes me so happy to know that you’ve enjoyed reading this as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> I’m still planning on doing the modern AU, but that’s gonna take a little more planning out and stuff. In the meantime, I have a couple of shorter fics that I’ll be writing. I also write fanfic for the Netflix show The Crown, if you’re interested in that. 
> 
> Anyway, I really hope you’ve enjoyed reading this story. I don’t know when I’ll have more fanfic for this fandom, but hopefully soon. Thank you all so so much for reading. I love you all! :)


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